I feel I should apologise for not bringing you a little dosage of my life for a few weeks (hey, you may have preferred the quiet!). I've been lacking inspiration and creativity as my mental health has taken quite a bit of a dip, which has had me hiding away in bed as much as I can get away with. The one thing doctors always ask you when you're feeling like this is what has triggered such a dip and more times than not, I don't know what has done it or it has just decided to remind me that it still exists in my little world. It's always the frustrating question that makes me wonder if psychologists know all that they think they do.
My dip begun with anxiety and panic attacks, which started almost two weeks ago now and have been happening daily since then. I don't know if I have ever explained how my body deals with a panic attack so I will explain how I suffer with them. If I have a panic attack over something it will begin with a thought about it and the panic will begin to rise and I will notice that feeling of tension beginning to bubble away inside me, if nothing has me anxious to begin with than a panic attack will start with step 2, I will completely panic, when there is nothing that has "triggered" a panic attack than this bit can be extremely frustrating as the panic has come from nowhere. I then begin to start breathing rapidly (like hyperventilating) or in some cases, gasping for air. It can feel like I can't breath and with the rapid breathing I can begin to make myself lightheaded and started to feel extremely dizzy.At the moment where this is a daily thing, I am constantly feeling dizzy and every slight movement is horrible.
During the bad panic attacks I can begin to feel nauseous (not helping the panicking at all) and I have in some instances had to leave rooms because I've worried I was going to through up in front of people. My panic attacks tend to fade away after 5-10 minutes but after a few panic attacks in a row my lungs and chest can begin to feel achy and tender after the hyperventilating. I at the moment am also constantly having the feeling of a tense set of lungs. Panic attacks can be crippling and after 2 weeks of pretty much constant panic attacks I feel exhausted.
Annoyingly though, my other mental health systems have begun to rear their heads too, my brain is starting to have a bad depression patch, I'm feeling extremely low and very "out of it". It's like going back in that fish bowl that is watching the world go by and having very little control of anything I say or do. It's not nice to not feel like you've got control and to feel disorientated and out of it is stressful because there's no easy way to just make it disappear. I've been trying to give meditation a go and have listened to many the guided meditation, but I'm finding it hard to focus when listening to them and just end up getting angry at myself for not being able to pay attention.
I'm hoping this all subsides shortly so I can get back to writing more for you all.
Lots of Love,
Rebecca
xxx
