My mental health issues vary and change depend on the situation. I have found myself with a lot more paranoia than I did before I started university. It's a trait that seems to have been brought out from being on my own, away from home without my voice of reason, my mum to push those stupid thoughts aside. My brain has always been able to convince me that things aren't what they seem. With a history of suicide, an example is that at that moment you aren't thinking about reality, your brain is telling you that those people most important in your life would be better off without you. That they hate you and you might as well just give up. But that is never the truth even if your little voice of reason in your head can tell you that.
I've struggled a lot with my paranoia in the last couple of weeks and days. I started my checking routine from my OCD again in the past couple of months that I hadn't done for a good year and had spent six years working on, to get rid of that compulsion. They are back and as difficult as ever, your brain is saying, but you might have missed something do it again, but you are just tired and wanting to just get into bed and sleep but you find yourself checking at least four more times before you can settle down again.
Last night my brain had convinced me that I was going to die in the night. I was terrified and of course didn't want to sleep at all and it took me a good three hours to settle down and actually sleep. I begun my pacing again which sucked because having to get up and pace to get the panic attacks to stop was exhausting.
The delusions have gotten worse in the past couple of weeks. I have always been able to convince myself that things were happening that actually weren't at all. But in the past couple of weeks I have my found more easily wrapped up in stupid scenarios and think I am somebody else. It's horrible because I can find myself in public, thinking that I am somebody that I am not. It sounds so stupid and silly when I discuss it but in that moment it is terrifying because one half of your brain is playing out this storyline and a tiny voice is trying take the control back and come back to reality.
I cannot wait to see the psychiatrist this month and finally begin to work over everything that has happened in the past few months. I'm hoping that they will be able to help me move on and continue working on getting better instead of feeling like I am stuck on the top of a rollercoaster with no control as to when it is going to fall back to earth again.
Rebecca
