It's been awhile since we've had a sit down and a chat, I've been blogging for the university over at: http://blogs.staffs.ac.uk/student-blogs/author/b015586f/ and have some what neglected my own personal outlet. University is finished for the year and I am now safely back home. Admittedly I've not been live blogging like this one and a lot of what you have heard from me, was back-ups that I never really knew when to post. But now that the year is over, I am once again ready to be the best I can be for the blog.
So life updates, starting with the most important thing, my brain... I've faced a med change since we last spoke and that has made me rather poorly for the past few weeks. I've become a hermit that doesn't want to leave the house and is still struggling to even get out of bed in the morning. It could be better but we've hit the scary patch of suicidal thoughts and questioning my very existence head on and taken minimal damage from the blow. It's been a while since I felt like this and with such a change at home from when I moved away it's hard to have the courage to talk about how I am truly feeling. It's my brain over thinking and telling me a load of horrible things to make the situations so much worse in my head.
Outside update, I have now made a bird friend called Jeremy, he is sitting by my foot and regardless of how cute he actually is, I am slightly terrified of a rogue bird attack. Robin's are friendly right?
My brain is making me feel rather out of it and very much in that fish-bowl again. Nothing feels real which is terrifying. I've never been drunk or high but I can imagine that is totally what this must feel like and that is the biggest, don't drink, don't do drugs a person could ever need in their life. Life in the fish-bowl isn't fun, life is continuing on around me and here I am stuck in the same rut that I have been for the past two weeks. My paranoia is increasing daily and I'm wondering when I'm just going to explode and destroy everything around me, I'm waiting to ruin every relationship I have because I can't stop the 10,000 thoughts rushing through my brain every second.
I keep thinking about how this is my life now, I don't have that golden ticket to get me out of this never-ending cycle of up's and down's. I'm trapped with mental health issues until I die and that is so terrifying. I hate it enough now, but 20 or 30 years down the line how much more am I going to loath and despise this illness that I have. It's scary and I wish I could just make it go away but I can't and I hate that for the rest of my life I will have patches where I feel as crappy as this.
The first year of university is officially over and with all my work handed in, I can now reflect on the past 9 months. It's been a long journey, that hasn't been easy but I did it, which is something I never thought I was going to be able to say. To be fair I am surprised I even got to university to begin with. Should we have a show of hands on who is surprised too? I cannot believe a year has passed and that it wasn't a completely awful and terrifying experience like I expected. Far from it, I have loved my new freedom and all that it has given to me.
I've done things I never thought I'd do by myself without my family besides me like I used to need it to be. I've grown up and have been able to overcome things on my own. I've been on nights out and done far more socially than I have done in years. University made me realised how deprived of necessary social time I had become since dropping out of school when I was 12. I never got those experiences of growing up with friends and having them there for years and years, but I have finally had the chance to meet new people who love me for who I am and who don't care about my past or my brain crap and I love it.
I still can't quite believe I have done it and the year is over. It's gone scarily quick and I look at the guys graduating, realising that that is really only around the corner and knowing how quickly that time will go. I still can't believe the people that looked after me at the start and took me under their wings will be gone when I return next year and I cannot thank them enough for the support that they have given me this year.
So you are all caught up. I'm unsure of where my summer will go and what I want to do with the spare time I will have but we will figure it out along the way, I am sure of it. Until next time, enjoy the sunshine.
Lots of Love,
Rebecca
xxx
