It's been a while since I've posted anything here on the blog (I same this every time, I know). I have written lots of blog posts and just not felt right about posting them or get frustrated with it as I'm writing it. I've had blogging block.
I wanted to write about my mental health and where I'm at. Things have changed so much since we last spoke about my brain (last September!!!) so we are well overdue on an update. Last time we spoke I had just come off of my Fluoxetine, that I had been on for just over two years. My dosage had been doubled at the psychologist appointment because I was experiencing more patches of depression and suicidal thoughts and so it was suggested that I up the dosage. That left me feeling more numb than before. I felt like I didn't have emotions anymore and I couldn't feel anything at all.
It was horrible and I knew I couldn't keep going like this. It wasn't the safest option but I just went cold turkey and stopped taking them, not telling anyone for a few weeks to see if they noticed a difference. In hindsight and for advice to anyone reading this thinking of doing the same thing, please tell at least one person, just in case. Something could of gone horrendously wrong, I could have had a bad reaction to just cutting the meds, that I had been taking every day for two years, out of my life completely. My body could have reacted badly, my brain could have reacted badly and I could have gotten seriously ill. You're supposed to wean off of these sorts of meds and over the 5 years that I've been taking various meds for my mental health issues I've had to spend a lot of time weaning off of different medication. It gets so tiring and frustrating because you never know if it's actually doing anything.
So I came off of my main meds and things have been great. I don't feel numb anymore and although I'll still get those waves of depression, I can handle them now. It's weird to look back and see how differently I handled those patches of depression and everything that has changed since the start up to now. I was a shell of a person, I was depressed all the time and anxious and I didn't know how to control or handle it. But over the years you learn different tips and tricks to help you keep a control of the situation. Yes, when you get depressed it's hard to remember that you've gotten through it before but the trick is to surround yourself with people that care about you, to talk to them continuously and make sure that someone is going to be there to help you through. It's difficult I know but getting over that hurdle of talking to people will really help you.
I still get patches of anxiety and panic attacks, but like the depression, I have tips and tricks to handle it now. I can now easily identify if I'm feeling anxious and although I don't always know what is triggering it, I can now handle it. There's some great apps that I use for the panic attacks which are good to help settle the anxiety. The 'Mindful' app is really handy, it has a 'Pause' feature which helps encourage you to breath and distracts you from the panic attacks. I find this one really useful in those situations that I know trigger the panic attacks, like getting on the bus. It also teaches you mindfulness which helps control the anxiety through breathing. It's my go to app for anything anxiety related.I will do a blog post soon on all the apps that I use to help me handle my mental health issues and the tips and tricks that use for when I am having a tough time. Overall though I have a good handle on my brain right now and it feels so nice to finally feel like I am on top of it and in control of everything. The other day, I went past the place where I had my first suicide "attempt" and I couldn't help but look at all the things that have changed since that day. Everything came rushing back, that moment, the days afterwards, the doctors appointments that followed, the attempts that came and that fear of those moments and days. Things have changed and I'm back on a good path and that is something I am so happy about. I know I will never be fully recovered and I still live every day with the extra noise in my brain but it's now something I can handle. It takes practice and isn't easy but it's possible.
Rebecca
xxx
