Dear 16 Year Old Becky, ------------------------->
There is so much I want to tell you about your future and so much that I wish you knew so that you had something to hold onto when things got crap.
This is the year I first attempted to take my own life. I stood staring at the busy rush hour traffic and considering stepping out into it. This happens in April-May time and you don't end up telling anyone that this happens for months. Know that there are people out there that are going to help you and you should never have felt ashamed to tell an adult that could help you, instead of the people we do go to first and inevitably hurt you and end up not even staying in our life.
Those first few weeks afterwards were tough because deep down I knew the severity of what had just happened and I still can remember the sheer sense of relief when I reached out and grabbed that lamp post to stop myself from stepping out into the traffic. The next few months are a rollercoaster and somewhat of a blur. It's hard to remember quite what happened in those few months, there was numerous doctors visits, multiple nights of tears and a couple more suicide attempts (it was scary).
16 year old Becky, I wish I could show you that you are never alone, that there are so many people around you that love you dearly and how your life is going to be so different in five years time. I wish you could see the incredible friends you have now and how eventually you won't feel that gut wrenching loneliness. We have our moments where you feel like you can't go anymore, when everything seems pointless but just know that now you have so much around you and things will get better.
Around July-August time of 2012 we get the diagnosis of all the things that are wrong and for a while this becomes our identity. It's almost as if instead of just being in our head we become the depression and the anxiety and everything else that's thrown in there. Even at 22 it's hard sometimes to let this have a control over you but it get's easier to manage and you slowly learn to adapt and grow with everything. Those illnesses do not make you any less of a person. They do not make you a "crazy person" who does not deserve love. They are just a disability that you will eventually learn to handle and control as best as you can.
It's weird to look back now on the difficulties that we faced over those first few years. I can never forget what it's like to feel so numb, so alone and so deeply depressed. I can't believe how far we have come and how much we have achieved over the last 6 years and how much we have grown and changed as a person. Yes, things aren't always good and there are the occasional bad brain days, we still live with a constant voice flickering in our heads with the anxiety and the OCD but it has become so much more manageable now that we know what we can do to look after it. Sometimes I wish I could go back and tell you everything will be okay, to show you what is still to come and to show you that it gets better. I hate thinking about the broken 16 year old and all that we went through but to come out the other side is so rewarding. Please don't be afraid to talk to someone, they're there to help you. Write out your feelings in a notebook and try not to put so much online. Twitter is still such a great outlet for your emotions but I can see how this is worrying and scares people but also don't let that put you off letting it out somewhere.
You've got this, I promise you.
Yours Truly,
Rebecca
xxx
