Leaving the house is scary

The last two years has been difficult for everyone. The pandemic has ensured that most people have been locked away in their houses for a long time. My workplace stayed open through the pandemic but I did take the first six weeks of lockdown off work because my OCD and anxiety had been heightened by the fact that a health crisis was sweeping the globe. Although I've been going to work every week since then, I've found that leaving the house for other things is now setting off my anxiety and panic attacks. 

It's been really difficult navigating this new anxiety over leaving the house and it reminds me a lot of when I first got seriously poorly with my mental health and I needed someone to come with me anywhere I went. My grandad was taking me to and from college because I couldn't get on public transport, my mum was meeting me for lunch every day because I was struggling with being at college during my lunch breaks. I needed a support network just to help me leave the house and that was overwhelming and made me feel like I was a burden on those around me. 

Not being able to leave the house other than to go to work was really difficult for my anxiety as I couldn't get that experience of leaving the house. With my anxiety, if I don't do something regularly then it tends to make me more anxious and so leaving the house became one of those things. Like the rest of the world, I wasn't going shopping, to the cinema or out for a meal and suddenly those things became a lot more overwhelming than I had realised. 

I'm sure I'm not the only person experiencing this and I'm sure that a lot of people regardless of whether they previously experienced anxiety are experiencing this anxiousness when leaving the house. It's tough and I've had a couple of rough experiences where my anxiety has got the better of me. Back in September my fiancé and I went to a Final Fantasy VII concert at the Royal Albert Hall, I was so excited to be back watching live music again and I'd never been to the Royal Albert Hall before. We took our seats and I told my fiancé I didn't need to take an emergency anxiety pill because I was feeling okay. But as soon as those lights went down and the orchestra begun preforming, I couldn't breath, I felt sick. The room begun spinning and I couldn't escape. 

Before the concert begun, the guy next to me made a comment about people getting up to get to the stairs during the concert and I was instantly on edge as I knew that that might be me. If I have a panic attack, sometimes I just need to get out. I also knew I didn't want to ruin the concert for my fiancé and by getting up to sit in the hallway would mean that he would come with me, despite me encouraging him to stay. He's amazing at making sure I am okay in situations where my anxiety is beating me and I knew he wouldn't let me struggle on my own. 

I fought through, despite being unable to concentrate and barely remembering a thing from the concert. I got through it but I still felt like I'd failed. I felt like I'd ruined the whole thing for my fiancé who caught me, mid panic attack, not knowing what to do. I know I looked like a deer in the headlights, panicked and continuing to panic because I couldn't get out, I was stuck, but I also didn't want my brain to win. 

I've continued to have these panic attacks when leaving the house and honestly, it is incredibly difficult. I just want to hide away and not leave the house which is scary. I don't feel like I can go anywhere without my fiancé with me and that feels so limiting and I also worry about becoming a burden on him. I'm taking baby steps where I can. Leaving the house and doing little things like going and sitting in a coffee shop every now and again. 

It's really tough and I feel like I'm 16 again. I feel like I've taken a huge tumble backwards and lost all of the hard work that I had in place over the last decade. I don't ever want to be that sick again and trying to stay strong in times that are very unknown can be tough. But I'm determined to get back to normal again, to be able to leave the house without wanting to go back inside. I will get there, I know I will but for now it's baby steps until the world feels less overwhelming again. I'm sure I'm not the only one out there experiencing this and I hope if that is you, then you find some comfort in knowing you are not alone. 

Lots of Love,

Rebecca

xxx

A Reintroduction

My oh my how I've missed writing for this blog. It's been a year since I last shared anything with you and I'm so incredibly sorry. It's been hard in these covid times to know what to write and although my brain hasn't been behaving the best, it's been far better than it was when I first started writing on this blog. I do have a post that i've been writing on every now and again about how I'm finding leaving the house a little overwhelming again but I wanted to reintroduce myself before I jumped back into writing again. For those of you who are new here, or have just stumbled across my blog after a long old time, hello :)! My name is Rebecca and I'm now the grand age of 26, which still doesn't quite feel quite right yet. A lot has changed from the last time I shared a bit more about my life and it feels strange that so much has happened that I never wrote down in blog post form. 

The last time I wrote about myself I had just graduated from my BA undergrad degree with a first and I was over the moon, everything felt like it was falling into place and I had my future ahead of me. Skip to almost 3 years later and I feel a little bit stuck. I've just completed my masters degree (with a distinction) but i'm still in that limbo of trying to find a job in the industry I've been studying towards since my teens. It's a confidence kicker and some days I question whether I'm ever going to actually make it into a radio production job and whether the constant rejection might actually break me. BUT I'm very determined and I want to ensure that I achieve my dream, however long it takes. So I'm plodding along, applying for anything and everything that pops up and hoping that this year something finally sticks. 

I'm also engaged now, which is crazy to me! I met my lovely fiancé whilst working in my current job and the last almost three years have been wonderful! It is the happiest I have ever been and in the midst of a lot of life rubbish, he's been such a support by my side through everything. Not a day goes by where I'm not incredibly grateful to be with him. 

As another year begins, I'm determined to start writing more as this blog was such an outlet over some of the hardest parts of my life and I miss being able to just share that experience with you. I'm also determined to read more and aim to start getting my little book reviews back up and running. I know I made all these same promises last year but I promise I'm going to try this again! 

If your new here, welcome and if you're returning to the mild chaos, welcome back. This is hopefully a cosy, safe space and I'd love to keep you here!

Lots of Love,

Rebecca