Hello,
Just to let you know before you start reading that I'm adding a TW for talks of suicide and mental health if you're in a bit of a vulnerable place right now, only read if you feel you can. There's no pressure to skip this one. Side note for those who might worry, I'm okay.
If you've been around on this blog for a while, you'll know I have mental health issues that have caused me some trouble, especially over the last decade. If you're new here, then hi! My name is Rebecca and I have OCD, anxiety and depression, it's not the best combo!
For a long time I've had a handle on my brain and the way that it runs. Of course I have bad days but there are more good days than bad now. However, this was massively different 10 years ago when I tried to end my life. I was in my second year of college when I went to step out into a busy road of rush hour traffic, but somehow my body stopped me and I clung to a lamp post for a little while before I made it to classes for the day. I got really poorly after that and that year was a complete blur because of the medication and because my brain was so poorly.
I did manage to get a hold on things though and found that with a few little methods of controlling my anxiety I was able to handle whatever life threw at me. That didn't mean that bad voice just went away, that the anxiety was gone and that my OCD was non-existent, it just meant that those things were quieter and more manageable.
I've worked really hard to get to where I am today and if the suicidal teenage version of myself could see me now, I think it would bring her comfort to know it can get better. Despite all of the work and all of the good days, sometimes my brain gets a bit tired. I have rough days, like anyone else would and with a lot of big life changes happening in the last few years, I've sometimes struggled to stay on top of my brain.
There's been some sad nights where I've cried at my fiancé and just tried to make sense of those things and I've even started counselling to work on what is upsetting me and how I can move on and make things better. I've tried really hard to manage and again, there's been more good days than bad, the bad days have been progressively harder to handle.
I've you've read my blog before you might have seen that I've really been struggling with leaving the house and the anxiety that is causing me since the pandemic. I've also been in the process of being diagnosed with endometriosis. My whole body just feels like its failing me and I feel trapped and unable to do anything about it. On top of this, other things have been happening in my life and this has snowballed into a bigger down patch than I normally get.
I don't really know why I'm writing this. I just feel like my blog has always been me working on my mental health and for once I'm tired. I describe the mental health issues I have as a "bad voice". It sounds like my thoughts but is separate to my own thought process. For example I can experience a bad thought, but I'm able rationalise that thought and know that it's not my own. Sometimes it's barely there but other times it can be louder than my own thoughts.
Things got really dark recently when my brain told me that those who love me would be better off without me here. Now I know this isn't true and that I have these wonderful people in my life for a reason and we have so much to look forward to as we keep moving forward. But that voice was so loud and and it was so hard to hear myself when it was happening.
Being in that moment is scary. I'm sure you've heard about it before and if you don't experience it yourself, I'm sure you can imagine how scary that situation is. I felt so alone, despite being bundled up in my fiancés arms and although I knew I wasn't going to do anything, just having those thoughts again was overwhelming. I was worried I was getting as sick as I once was and I didn't want to lose another year of my life when things are so happy right now.
Depression sucks. It strikes at the worst times and sometimes we don't even know why it's there. I also like answers. When I'm sick, when something isn't working, I need to know why and where it came from. So I have a million theories of why my brain is currently feeling mushy and not running at full capacity, but I'm also determined to fight it, which is something I've never really experienced.
I'm not scared of getting "mentally unwell", I know I have support if I need it, medications that have worked for me previously and ways that I can get better. So we will fight this for every last fibre of it's being and I will make it out the other side. Right now I'm tired, struggling to concentrate and just wanting to lay in bed all day, but this isn't forever and I have amazing things coming up to get me through.
If you feel like me right now, know you're not alone, that although those suicidal voices are scary they can't control you and although you might not feel very important or special, there are people that would be lost without you in their lives. If you need someone to talk to The Samaritans are a brilliant resource and can be contacted at 116 123 or if you're like me and hate phones and feel like you can handle a bit of a wait for a response then email them at jo@samaritans.org
You're not alone and things will get better (I need to remind myself of that as well),
Rebecca
