When I feel really low, my brain tends to separate myself from the rest of the world around me. It's the most horrible feeling to be watching the world continue on around you but feel like you're only spectating, as though you're not actually meant to be there. It can be tough because life will be continuing on and I can be in the middle of it, moving, talking, breathing and yet still feel completely as though I am not actually existing like everyone else.
It feels like your watching the world in a fish bowl. That you are standing on the outside looking in whilst life continues to float along as normal. It can sometimes feel as though you are completely loosing the battle with your mind because you can't escape watching the fish and diving in to join them, instead you are trapped on the outside of the bowl and can't speak the same language.
It's like my body goes into auto-pilot in times like these. I can still be "there" as people would refer to it. I can have conversations and do things, but it doesn't feel like I have any control or choice about what I say or what I do. It can be scary at times like this because you're not sure if you can truly trust yourself to leave your safe spot that you retire to living in as much as humanly possible until you feel better.
It's like your brain enjoys the suffering and decay. You haven't washed for days, brushed your teeth this morning or gotten dressed. You hide away under your duvet and spectate the world moving around you as you feel empty and some what dead inside. You haven't used the bathroom for hours and yes you need to go, but the ache of your bladder is some what comforting, as though you deserve to be subjected to that pain. You haven't eaten at all all day, you're hungry but as the sun sets, you know you'll be forced to eat something by one of the fish that you have been watching and you dread even the thought of letting anything nourishing past your lips, because you deserve the pain.
At times like these it's so easy to wish that you could just disappear, You pray (regardless of the fact that your not religious) that your bed will swallow you up into extinction. It never does and you continue to lay there with your own mind. The dangerous and horrible experience. Your brain is currently telling you to "drop the act, no one is going to believe you" but you can't escape and suddenly you feel like you're drowning. Like you're actually the fish in the bowl and yet your not equipped for that life. You try to breath but it's difficult and slow and you just wish the world would stop so that you could get off.
It doesn't. And the world continues, as normal. You can watch for a while but one day you will be forced to slot yourself back into place and join life once more.
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