I wasn't a naughty child and I didn't have a bad childhood but I have suffered all my life with mental health issues and that made my growing up very difficult. This isn't a mean post about my parents because they are and they were the most incredible parents. But I wasn't an easy child to look after and so I wanted to write a letter to my parents when they had those tough times with me as I was growing up.
Dear Mum and Dad,
I wanted to write to you in the past because I know that whatever time in my life you are dealing with that this may help you. I'm so sorry that things weren't easy and now that we have my mental health diagnosis we continuously look back at things that could have changed and you could have do to help me. I've sat with mum as she's got teary over things she could have done differently and I just wish that she could see that she didn't know and now she is the most incredible mother in the world.
There's been things that you will be faced with that are clear signs of my illness that we hadn't realised and it left me frustrated and upset and thinking that I may end up no longer with my family. I get frustrated a lot at the boys if things aren't going right and I maybe shouldn't have shouted as loud and gotten so angry but with my anxiety and OCD my brain can't handle things that I can't control. I can't really remember how that felt as a child but I know now that it is so hard to deal with things out of my control.
I wish we had known about my illnesses when I was little, we could have stopped so many arguments and so many words that we regret speaking. I don't remember much of my childhood and I put that down to my illness but I want you to know that I don't hold a grudge with you for how my childhood was lived. We didn't know what I was going through. I was a scared child who didn't know what was happening inside my head, I could describe it and it made me behave in ways that I really truly regret.
I hate that I got so angry with my brothers and that I still have moments where I just explode and I know that there is no justifying what I have done and still do but I want you to know that I explode when I have held a lot inside, when my anxiety is bad and I can't control my surroundings or if it is too noisy and I can't get my brain to focus. I wish I could take back all the times I was a horrible child and all the times that I messed up. I hate that I was so vile growing up and I really am truly sorry. Life gets easier as we grow and learn and I just want you to know that I love you so much and you do the most fantastic job.
I love you.
Rebecca
xxx
No comments:
Post a Comment