Off the Meds...

So about 2 weeks ago, without telling anyone, I decided to come off of my meds and see if anyone noticed. Or even if I noticed any difference at all. I've been on Fluoxetine for almost two years and after an already two year battle they were the first medications that didn't make my mental health issues worse. They were a lifesaver and it made me so happy that I was finally starting to feel somewhat normal again. They helped me incredibly. I no longer felt extremely depressed and suicidal each day and I started to feel as though I had a little control again. If I missed a day and forgot to take them, I could feel it that evening and into the next day, I became extremely dependant on them.

"Why did you stop then?" I hear you ask. To be fair, it just felt like the right step to take. I've been on some form of medication since I was 16 and I was approaching my 21st birthday and although it helped me improve it didn't find it was "helping" me anymore. Yes it was keeping the depression at bay, with those infrequent patches, but I will always have those. But I felt numb. I didn't feel anything anymore and I had forgotten what it was like to feel happy or even sad, I just felt empty. It was something I had always attributed to my bad patches of depression but then I begun to realise that I was waking up every day feeling this way and I didn't like it.

I've heard about how mental health issues can cause you to do impulsive things and I have always fallen victim to this but this was my biggest impulsive move that I have ever taken. It started off with me just forgetting by accident, breaking out of my two year habit until one day I just realised that it had been a couple of days and I was still feeling okay. So I made the jump, I stopped taking my meds and I have been so incredibly lucky to have had no real repercussions. I feel 100x better than I did when I was so heavily medicated, I feel free.

I've had this new wave of confidence, I feel I can take on any challenge set before me now. My mental health issues are no longer a barrier for me and instead of turning things down, I am finally saying yes and feeling like I mean it, instead of just pushing myself to say yes to things. I haven't felt like I needed my anxiety meds to attempt everyday situations, so my diazepam (emergency panic attacks/ anxiety meds) has been sitting deserted in my bag, something I feel incredibly proud about because for so long, I was so dependant on them when I was thrown into unknown or stressful situations.

I feel like a new me, ready to take on any situations thrown at me, instead of worrying that I can't do things anymore, I know I can do anything, with just a little extra work in the face of my anxiety. My illnesses no longer have a hold on me, they no longer are me and I am ready to finally become my own person, away from my past. In no way I am saying do the same, don't do what I did, get some expert advice. But know that one day things will start to look like they are heading up!

Lots of Love,
Rebecca
xxx