Life has been through some pretty big changes in the past couple of months and I realised I hadn't spoken about anything. So when a big wave of depression hit, I realised it was time to get back to the keyboard and begin writing again. So welcome back, hello!
A couple of months ago, I decided I wasn't happy with my uni and the course I was on, it was pretty devastating to me because I had spent so much time and effort picking the perfect university for me. I loved it there, I loved the people and the town and I was happy. That was until some pretty big changes lefts some pretty big holes and I came to the realisation that if I ever wanted to make it in Radio then staying at that university was not going to benefit me.
I came up to look at Salford, look being the main word in that sentence and was offered a place before I'd even been there an hour. I don't know what it was exactly that gave me the guts to do it, but that afternoon I was packing up everything from my old university and preparing to move to Salford. It was a crazy couple of weeks and something that has shown me that I do have the guts to make these crazy jumps in life. Yes it might be absolutely terrifying at the time but I know that I can do anything and nothing is going to stop me now.
It's been wonderful up here, I'm being pushed and although I am finding it harder, I know it's going to work out better for me in the long run. What I wasn't expecting was the huge black cloud to come rolling over and knock me off my feet a bit. I struggle with depression a lot, I know how to handle it, it's just tough when you're in a new place, further from home, far away from people you know and you can't walk next door to your best friend for a hug.
It's been super tough, my brains had me running through my days, wasting my time in those crappy situations it likes to put me in. When I'm not out and at uni, I'm inside not myself, escaping to somewhere better and somewhere where I don't have to think about my brain (whilst having those little back of the mind thoughts that I'm completely losing my mind). When those paths between reality and this fictional state crossed about a week ago my brain didn't know how to compute it. I met the band that take up that fictional state in my head and I think my brain hoped it would continue to run over.
I've spent the majority of the week, watching the same videos on youtube, obsessing and wondering why I wasn't good enough. I mean the conscious "normal" part of my brain knows exactly why. It was 15 minutes, I am just another media person, they don't know me and I don't know them like I think I do. I hate that the irrational part of my brain hoped that maybe I'd be plucked out of this reality and thrown into that fantasy world because it was never going to happen.
And so my depression has been piling up and up, I don't like talking about it to anyone because I don't want people to worry. The super important, been here forever people are too far away and I don't want to seem weird to my new friends. It's hard, because now I feel so alone. My brain is running all these thoughts and I'm tired. I don't want to be in this crappy state anymore, I want to be out and living my life, but I can't I feel trapped here. It's harder to go out and see the world and I'm less inclined when I don't have my best friend by my side to go and hang out with me. It's difficult.
I know I'll be okay and that I can get through this, I always do. But right now the cloud is there and it's taking a while for the storm to pass, but I know that as the weeks go by that it's going to get better. I just need to get myself out of this storm, brush myself off and go and search for the sunshine.
Rebecca
xxx
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