Life 10 Years On | Anti-Bullying Week 2017

It's Anti-Bullying Week 2017 and I thought I'd attempt to write something. I used to do a lot on social media around Anti-Bullying Week and I don't really know why I stopped. But this year marks 10 years since I was pulled out of school because of the bullying and I can't believe that 10 years has passed since I went through everything that I did whilst I was in school. Weirdly it still feels crystal clear and I can remember nearly everything as though it was yesterday. For uber-cringey reference, if you want to know more, here is a 7 YEAR OLD VIDEO of some of my experiences
(I've watched 10 seconds of that video, recoiled in horror and closed the tab down so ENJOY!):

A lot has changed in the last 10 years and it's not been the easiest of times. 5 years ago I was diagnosed with OCD, Depression, Panic Attacks and Anxiety and a lot of this had actually started from when I was at school. I was so severely bullied that I'd find myself having panic attacks about going into school and found myself in waves of depression and self doubt. I was 12 years old, I hated myself and I was extremely suicidal. I didn't want to exist anymore and I didn't feel worthy of even being alive.

So around this time 10 years ago after the bully threatening to take my life and my parents hearing me tell them that I didn't want to live anymore, they decided to pull me out of school. Home-education was not all it is cracked up to be. Although I was happy, I was also alone and only ever interacted with my family. I became isolated quickly and still find myself struggling to communicate with others without a little bit of niggling self doubt in the back of my mind. I'd spent the years before that being isolated from my peers and then not seeing anyone whilst being homeschooled was tough. I find socialising still extremely difficult, I don't like to go out and feel safer and more comfortable at home. Although it's been tough, moving to university was the best thing I could have done, it's pushed me out of my comfort zone and made me realise that I don't stand out as much as I think I do.

I still struggle with my self confidence, which is understandable after years of relentless bullying. For me it didn't just stop at school, I then faced bullying in my first year of college when I joined at the age of 16. Having people tell you horrible things about what you already hate about yourself is difficult and I still struggle to find the confidence most days to feel okay with myself and my appearance. I don't like talking out in class because I don't feel as smart as everyone else after the time I missed at school, I hear the voice in the back of my head telling me I'm wrong and that I should be quiet.

I hate that there are still so many negatives to everything that happened at school and how it still affects me 10 years later. But there are also so many positives. I'm the happiest I have been in years, it's taken a lot of time and work but I'm at a place where I am happy a solid 80% of the time and for me that is everything. I am determined, I want to achieve the best that I can achieve because I have so many people to prove wrong and do show that I am more than capable of doing anything (myself included). I now have the greatest friends who stick by me for morale support when I need someone to tell me I am doing okay and I feel so lucky to have people in my life who are on my side and love me for who I am. I am brave, I make choices that push me out of my comfort zone and I work hard to make sure that I am on the path to doing what I want to do, even if that scares me sometimes.

I can't believe that 10 years ago I was ready to end my life. I didn't want to be here anymore. Things are so different now and although I still have times where life is hard the bullying has only made me stronger. I sometimes feel like I am behind in so many aspects of life but like everything that has happened in my lifetime, I'm just doing things a little differently to everyone else. I'm so lucky that my parents took me out of school when I did because I genuinely don't think I'd be here today without them. So to the kids who thought it was okay to make my life a living hell, I hope you're happy also, that you've matured and grown as people and that one day you'll think back to everything that happened and feel ashamed that you ever thought that was okay. I don't hate those people anymore, I don't really think about them either and I think that everything I've been through in those last 10 years has shown me how time fixes everything and that eventually it will be okay.

Yours Truly,
Rebecca
xxx