Dear Grandad

Today marks the 10 year anniversary since my grandad passed away (FYI, I was not that little when it happened, but this is the only picture I have of the both of us). It's really bizarre how time has passed so slowly and so quickly since we lost him and I wanted to write a little about him on the blog, as 10 years without him is a lot.

I've not really ever discussed what it was like losing my grandad and some of my feelings about everything that happened and I feel ready to finally talk about what that time was like. I was 12 years old and had just been taken out of school the October before we lost him. Around Christmas time I remember being sat down and told that my Grandad was dying of cancer. This was the first death in our family and a moment I will always remember. I don't remember much of that evening afterwards and I don't even remember feeling particularly worried. We were told he was going to die but I never really understood what that truly meant because I'd not dealt with it before.

We lost my Grandad Ken really fast from finding out he was dying. We found out in December and by June he was seriously ill in hospital. I remember going and visiting him during the day with my parents because I was at home and I remember the view from his window. I don't think I knew that this was it, that we were going to lose him and I don't really know if my parents knew it either, but then I've never talked to them about it. My grandad died very suddenly and it shocked me because he seemed so well when I used to visit him. He came home for a weekend and I thought that maybe this was the road to him getting a little better, but looking back I think it was a chance for him to say his goodbyes. I remember the last time I saw him in the hospital and I refused to kiss him goodbye, I did not want to say goodbye to him and I never did. It kills me that I was being a stubborn kid and I never truly said goodbye to him.

I was with my other grandparents when I found out the news. I was called into their living room and my grandad sat me down and told me. I didn't know how to process what was going on and I remember I wasn't pushed to talk if I didn't want to. I went and shut myself in the office and cried for a while. This started a lot of anxiety in me and I find myself still struggling with the anxiety from time to time. It was like a lightbulb had been turned on and my eyes had been opened to the realities of life. I was terrified and didn't sleep for months. I didn't know what was going on but I just knew I wanted him back.

It's scary how fast these ten years have gone and how much has happened in that time. I'm ten years older and no longer a child but a fully grown human. These last 10 years have not been easy and it's weird that I will never seen my grandad again. It still doesn't feel real that he's gone but then it feels like a completely separate life time that he was here with us. It still hurts that he's missed so much and sometimes I hope there's something after we die so that he can see how far we've come.

Grandad, I miss you. Thank you for being a wonderful grandad.

Rebecca
xxx

I DID IT!

So I have some news...

I cannot believe it and I am stunned to have achieved what I set of to uni to achieve. I started this blog when I was looking around universities and trying to find somewhere to study. It wasn't an easy road and I shared my experiences with this blog over the last three years. From day one of my degree I wanted to leave with a First, I didn't finish secondary school because of bullying, I got average grades in my A-Levels because of mental health issues and I wanted to prove to myself that I could do it.

I'm one of those people who kicks themselves for not achieving the best grades that they can and I have worked so hard over the last three years to make sure that I was on the right track to finishing with the highest mark I could achieve. Dropping out of high school and missing so much of my education made me feel stupid and I begun to doubt myself. I didn't feel like I was smart enough to go to university and with the lower grades than expected in my A-Levels it just didn't seem possible.

It has been a rollercoaster of emotions and at points I didn't think I was ever going to complete this degree. At points I was ready to throw the towel in and if I hadn't transferred to The University of Salford there is no way I would be graduating this year! I did this to prove to not only myself but so many people that I could do it. At every step of my life someone has tried to put me down, told me I would never amount to anything and in turn made me want to work harder. So to those people, I thank you for giving me the drive to finish this degree and to nail it!

But it's not those people that deserve that thank you as much as my family. They have been there every step of the way and I couldn't have done it without them. My parents have been by my side in some mega dark times and always encouraged me to follow my dreams and do what I love. They have never given up on me and I honestly owe everything to their love and support over the last few years.

I need to give a special shoutout to an amazing woman who has also been a huge rock throughout the last three years of my life. She's always been a phone call away when I was stressed and upset and was instrumental in making sure that I was happy and supported throughout this degree. She's been my fairy godmother and I love her insanely for everything she has done for me.

A final shoutout is needed for the wonderful four humans who have made the last two years a crazy, funny rollercoaster. They were in my first class at the new university and took me in straight away. They helped me re-settle myself and have been by my side the whole way through this degree. They are a talented bunch and I have loved every second with them.

MY DEGREE IS OVER AND I DID IT!
The blog isn't going anywhere, but I want to say thank you for reading and following me over this journey over the last three years!

Rebecca
xxx

#StandUpToBullying Day

It's #StandUpToBullying day and I wanted to write a blog post and I wanted to talk about my experiences and show that is possible to work past the experiences you are going through. I was badly bullied for 4-5 years between the transition from primary school to high school. I was pushed over in the playground, called names and mentally torn down. I quickly became isolated and started to hate myself. At the age of 11 I became suicidal and remember thinking about different ways to end my life, but was always put off at the thought of my family having to find me and what that would then do to my younger siblings.

Sunday nights and the mornings before school were hell as I battled the anxiety and how ill that was making me. I felt super poorly every morning and would try and work out ways to not go to school because I couldn't face what was going to happen to me at school every day. I would spend hours in my room just crying and struggled to sleep with the fear of school. I never felt like I was being listened to by the teachers at school and was constantly told that the main bully was only picking on me because he liked me. I felt like the teachers were trivialising the mental damage being done as a playground crush. I felt like I was just becoming a joke to everyone and didn't fit in anywhere. I remember at one point being sat down in an empty classroom and asked to write a list of all the names I was being called. The teacher pushed me to come out with a long list and I remember getting upset because that wasn't the worst part of the bullying, it was the bits around the name calling that was traumatic, the things he was saying to me about my personality and my appearance.

I was constantly made to feel like I was lying and making things up, which is something I still struggle with ten years later. These things were happening to me daily and yet I felt like a joke amongst the teaching staff and the adults at school that should have been responsible for helping me. Teachers would refuse to let me go to the nurse when I felt poorly and even the nurse begun to talk down to me when I was being asked to be sent home. The main bully was never punished for what he did and when he was excluded for a couple of days he would celebrate that he had extra days to play on his video games. In fact I was the one that was punished, I was put into isolation rooms to "help me" and made to sit through hours alone without any school work. A couple of months into Year 8 (age 12), the bully threatened to kill me with a weapon he brought into school, nobody searched him that day and several days later when they did search him, they of course found nothing. This was the last straw for my parents and took me out of school to keep me safe, both from him and because mentally I was getting worse and rapidly becoming more suicidal.

I then spent the following four years being homeschooled and became more and more isolated. I watched lots of people from school fade away and started to feel like I was missing out on "normal" life. I rarely left the house and I found it hard to talk to people my age. I spent years struggling with feeling like I was not normal, that I didn't know how to communicate with people my own age. When I started college, I really struggled to fit in and didn't know how to talk to people my own age. I then started to get bullied at college and yet again found that teachers didn't know how to deal with what was happening and found that I became a joke with my peers. As the years progressed, I moved to a different class and the bully was excluded. Although my mental health got worse, I decided to go to university. This was the best decision I ever made and I finally found myself and people who would support me, instead of tearing me down.

University saved me, it showed me that I can be myself and that people would still care. I found somewhere where I fit in and made friends who love me for who I am and in a month, I am graduating from a course that I've loved.  I'm happy and although sometimes I still have wobbles, I've come a long way from what happened to me 10 years ago. I'm still here and I'm so grateful for my parents for helping me through the darkest of times. I wouldn't be here if it wasn't from them and their love and support over the years. It is possible to get past bullying and it's important to remember that this is never your fault. Find a good support network, someone you can talk to and know that you are never alone. Time makes things easier and although sometimes these things can still haunt you, it is possible to get past what has happened. It's important to keep pushing forward and know that you can get through this.

If you would like any help and someone to talk to about your experiences then The National Bullying Helpline is really helpful: http://nationalbullyinghelpline.co.uk/

Thank you for reading,
Rebecca
xxx