Dear Grandad

Today marks the 10 year anniversary since my grandad passed away (FYI, I was not that little when it happened, but this is the only picture I have of the both of us). It's really bizarre how time has passed so slowly and so quickly since we lost him and I wanted to write a little about him on the blog, as 10 years without him is a lot.

I've not really ever discussed what it was like losing my grandad and some of my feelings about everything that happened and I feel ready to finally talk about what that time was like. I was 12 years old and had just been taken out of school the October before we lost him. Around Christmas time I remember being sat down and told that my Grandad was dying of cancer. This was the first death in our family and a moment I will always remember. I don't remember much of that evening afterwards and I don't even remember feeling particularly worried. We were told he was going to die but I never really understood what that truly meant because I'd not dealt with it before.

We lost my Grandad Ken really fast from finding out he was dying. We found out in December and by June he was seriously ill in hospital. I remember going and visiting him during the day with my parents because I was at home and I remember the view from his window. I don't think I knew that this was it, that we were going to lose him and I don't really know if my parents knew it either, but then I've never talked to them about it. My grandad died very suddenly and it shocked me because he seemed so well when I used to visit him. He came home for a weekend and I thought that maybe this was the road to him getting a little better, but looking back I think it was a chance for him to say his goodbyes. I remember the last time I saw him in the hospital and I refused to kiss him goodbye, I did not want to say goodbye to him and I never did. It kills me that I was being a stubborn kid and I never truly said goodbye to him.

I was with my other grandparents when I found out the news. I was called into their living room and my grandad sat me down and told me. I didn't know how to process what was going on and I remember I wasn't pushed to talk if I didn't want to. I went and shut myself in the office and cried for a while. This started a lot of anxiety in me and I find myself still struggling with the anxiety from time to time. It was like a lightbulb had been turned on and my eyes had been opened to the realities of life. I was terrified and didn't sleep for months. I didn't know what was going on but I just knew I wanted him back.

It's scary how fast these ten years have gone and how much has happened in that time. I'm ten years older and no longer a child but a fully grown human. These last 10 years have not been easy and it's weird that I will never seen my grandad again. It still doesn't feel real that he's gone but then it feels like a completely separate life time that he was here with us. It still hurts that he's missed so much and sometimes I hope there's something after we die so that he can see how far we've come.

Grandad, I miss you. Thank you for being a wonderful grandad.

Rebecca
xxx