Anyway, I wanted to talk about having Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), which I've previously done a couple of times but it's been more noticeable recently and so I wanted to document my current experiences with OCD to show that it isn't all even numbers and obsessive organisation and cleaning, like the stereotype for this illness is. Right now I'm struggling with two things: fingernails and noise (what a combination huh?). My fingernails (and my toenails really) are a constant thought cycle currently circling my brain. I used to have lovely long, strong fingernails but recently, I can't stop obsessing when they get too long. I can feel them there and their presence is a continuing weight on my brain. They feel funny and although I am trying to forget they are there, I just keep thinking about them sitting on the end of my fingers. They're going to end up getting cut very shortly because my brain cannot handle the feeling of them anymore.
I'm also struggling with noises. You see when you have an already noisy head, any additional noise can always be a little bit overwhelming. I'm currently reading 'Are We All Lemmings and Snowflakes' by Holly Bourne who's main character struggles with the same thing, albeit a lot more intensely but enough to make my little current OCD around noise feel a lot more understood. I struggle with disruptive noise, noise that can be controlled. Slamming doors, when doors can be shut quietly is an example. I obsess and listen out for the noise of the one door being shut incorrectly. I hear it EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. without fail. It aggravates me and makes my skin crawl. I get frustrated and my brain starts spiraling at the sound that could so easily be stopped. I get upset that my brain is like this. Irrational. I know I'm being irrational and these things are so stupid but I can't control it. My brain obsesses over these things until I snap and give in to trying to fix what is making my OCD worse.
Having OCD isn't always about having to have things lined up correctly or the cutlery in the correct slots in the draw. It's sometimes constantly having dry, sore, cracked hands from continuously having to wash your hands after you've touched things and have 'contaminated' your fingertips. I currently work in a hospital shop and I find myself rinsing my hands without even having realised I've whisked myself to the sink every 20 minutes to remove anything off my hands that could make me sick. Or having OCD that makes you check 4 different spots in your room several times before you go to sleep because there's a dead corpse/zombie thing behind you or under your bed. It's stupid, I know it's stupid but if I don't check and something happens it will be my fault. I check the front door several times once I've left the house, even sometimes turning the dog around halfway up the road to just quadruple check.
I feel stuck and trapped by an illness that controls every second of my day, every thought that I have is laced with OCD. I have thoughts that I am horrified by, disgusted at myself and terrified to ever share, thoughts that I would never act on but my OCD is always there with the "what ifs?". I've included some great content that shares more about experiences with OCD because it's a stigma that I am so desperate to destroy. It's a stigma that makes me continuously feel like I'm a freak, that I don't belong in normal society surrounded by normal people because it controls me so insanely. So please, if you'd like to learn more about the illness there are a couple of videos and this brilliant article from Hattie Gladwell for the Independent.
Thank you for reading and I will be back to normal on this blog very soon!
Rebecca
xxx
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