I have about 10 weeks until university and the anxieties have begun to bubble away. There's lots of things that are expected of anyone starting university and my parents have tried to "encourage me" (a gentle shove) into experiencing the full "uni experience". It is a conflict that my brain has continued to have since I confirmed my place at university. I think my parents are worried that people will think I'm weird or isolate me if I don't make the effort to join in because I've never really had a group of friends and I have missed so much of the vital socialization process.
I would love to feel like I want to do those things and experience those experiences and as much as I "might change my mind when I get there", but I do not want to go clubbing and excessively drinking. That as much as it may be good to push my anxiety also makes me feel extremely poorly with anxiety wise and I have learnt that if I have extreme anxiety over something that doing it just makes the anxiety worse in the long run.
I know I'm making excuses and I know that it will disappoint my parents but those typical ideas of "freshers" doesn't appeal to me. I want to work on feeling safe and comfortable where I am and not instantly throwing myself in the deep end with it all in one go. When watching Freshers stuff on TV I genuinely begin to feel sick at the thought of going into a club and being in that environment. That's not my personality and that's not something that with my illness would be something I could even do.
I want to do it slowly and at my pace and I don't know if I will get that chance to do so. I need the time to work through everything and as sad as it sounds get myself into a familiar routine. I want to make my own choices and I want to feel comfortable as it's going to be such a big change for me to deal with. It's hard to talk about it sometimes because I don't want to be the loser that doesn't go out and prefers the more quiet past times. I don't want to be throwing up all night and leaving myself vulnerable, I want to be safe and know that I won't be judged for that.
It's going to be a rough and scary time and I'm starting to worry that I've made the wrong choice or that my illness is going to get bad again.
Rebecca
x
Tuesday, 30 June 2015
Wednesday, 24 June 2015
I Think About You Way Too Much...
I wouldn't consider myself completely obsessive of people (despite the OCD diagnosis). Although I sometimes find it hard to say goodbye to people who became important in my life. I know I shouldn't think about you daily but I do. Everything reminds me of you and the relationship we once shared. Times change and I know that, I can repeat it to myself multiple times but it still does not stop me from feeling like you abandoned me without a proper goodbye. I think a lot about the things that made us laugh and how we acted like naughty school children, pushing boundaries until somebody else began to crack with frustration and the fact they were in the presence of two complete idiots.
We did stupid things sometimes and I still cherish the memories of the laughter and the smiles that we shared. I miss the stupid little things sometimes, like how you would twist the same piece of hair when you were concentrating, even though you would deny it, knowing full well that I had watched you do just that minutes before-hand. I miss the first feelings I had of a best friend, someone who looked beyond my illness and loved me nonetheless. Certain songs still remind me of you, how we'd sing along stupidly at the tops of our voices or how you would do this stupid dance that had me in hysterical fits every single time.
You were a complete angel and at times I was overwhelmed by how comfortable around you I felt. You did so much for me, from being a mentor to a friend and even someone to sit beside me when I would panic and need to cry. I saw you get so protective of me that I wondered if I meant something more to you. When strangers would sail through our lives you were always right beside me, pressed to my side and a protective hand to watch out for me. I saw you consider hurting someone for the way they hurt me and it took so long to reassure you that it was okay. That I was okay.
I will always appreciate all that you did in your time in my life. From making tough situations just that little bit easier by making silly jokes or messing around with me, you were always there right beside me helping me through the tougher parts of our time together. I will always cherish those stupid times we had together, where we would act like idiots and sit laughing whilst everybody else around us tried to continue what they were doing. I loved being able to watch you work hard at something you loved so passionately that it radiated out of you. The little smile that would appear when you knew you'd made me laugh.
We did stupid things together from creating monsters to making people jump and I want to thank you for those memories. I know you never knew how much I cared and I was always to afraid to ask if you felt the same. But then you left and my world fell apart. I think about you so much that I begin to worry that it's not normal. I know it's not normal but I still can't cope with the idea of finally letting you go. For a while I became a bit of a stalker, as though helping myself grieve would be lessened by just appearing at random points in your life. But then I saw her and I realised you had moved on. You found somebody else to create those stupid memories with and someone else that gets to enjoy watching all the little things that made me so stupidly smitten.
I worry that I may never get over you, and the longer the time goes on the harder I worry that there's something wrong with me that I can't say goodbye. I miss you a lot and it doesn't get easier when your best friend just leaves. But I have one thing i'm sure about, I will know someone that I will love so innocently that won't just turn and leave me. I sometimes wonder if I ever cross you mind. If you hear songs that I do and remember stupid times we had together. It's difficult letting go of the past but one day I will be able to let you go too.
We did stupid things sometimes and I still cherish the memories of the laughter and the smiles that we shared. I miss the stupid little things sometimes, like how you would twist the same piece of hair when you were concentrating, even though you would deny it, knowing full well that I had watched you do just that minutes before-hand. I miss the first feelings I had of a best friend, someone who looked beyond my illness and loved me nonetheless. Certain songs still remind me of you, how we'd sing along stupidly at the tops of our voices or how you would do this stupid dance that had me in hysterical fits every single time.
You were a complete angel and at times I was overwhelmed by how comfortable around you I felt. You did so much for me, from being a mentor to a friend and even someone to sit beside me when I would panic and need to cry. I saw you get so protective of me that I wondered if I meant something more to you. When strangers would sail through our lives you were always right beside me, pressed to my side and a protective hand to watch out for me. I saw you consider hurting someone for the way they hurt me and it took so long to reassure you that it was okay. That I was okay.
I will always appreciate all that you did in your time in my life. From making tough situations just that little bit easier by making silly jokes or messing around with me, you were always there right beside me helping me through the tougher parts of our time together. I will always cherish those stupid times we had together, where we would act like idiots and sit laughing whilst everybody else around us tried to continue what they were doing. I loved being able to watch you work hard at something you loved so passionately that it radiated out of you. The little smile that would appear when you knew you'd made me laugh.
We did stupid things together from creating monsters to making people jump and I want to thank you for those memories. I know you never knew how much I cared and I was always to afraid to ask if you felt the same. But then you left and my world fell apart. I think about you so much that I begin to worry that it's not normal. I know it's not normal but I still can't cope with the idea of finally letting you go. For a while I became a bit of a stalker, as though helping myself grieve would be lessened by just appearing at random points in your life. But then I saw her and I realised you had moved on. You found somebody else to create those stupid memories with and someone else that gets to enjoy watching all the little things that made me so stupidly smitten.
I worry that I may never get over you, and the longer the time goes on the harder I worry that there's something wrong with me that I can't say goodbye. I miss you a lot and it doesn't get easier when your best friend just leaves. But I have one thing i'm sure about, I will know someone that I will love so innocently that won't just turn and leave me. I sometimes wonder if I ever cross you mind. If you hear songs that I do and remember stupid times we had together. It's difficult letting go of the past but one day I will be able to let you go too.
Thursday, 18 June 2015
A Letter To My Non-Existent Grandma
So why not share a letter with the world and not actually be brave enough to send this to my real grandma? I don't know but this idea seemed less scary and less likely to have a response from her and with that in mind this feels more comfortable than an actual letter to her.
Dear Grandma (if you really still deserve that title from me),
It's time I wrote you a letter because I think about you a lot. You didn't bring that much happiness into my life but you are still my grandma and we still are family. I write random letters to you every now and again but they end up in the fire rather than in the post box. I don't even really know what I want to say to you, I just want to let it all out for a bit.
I get upset when I think about how much of our lives you have missed, how much we have grown, how much we have changed and how much you don't know about because you have chosen to distance yourself from us. In some ways I'm happy that we don't talk anymore, you were abusive to my little brother and my mother with the things you would say and I never felt truly that you loved us. I could hug you and your arms would lay flat by your side and it hurt me that you clearly didn't care about me and my siblings. I get angry and upset at you when I think about the time last year when I tapped you on the shoulder and said "hello grandma" to you and you chose to hide from me and walk away. I hate that instead of the warm greeting I was expecting you left and continued to turn and watch me as you walked away, leaving me standing dumbstruck on a pavement.
I don't know why you and dad don't talk anymore and it makes me incredibly angry that you are both far too stubborn to call each other. Mum says to me that maybe you think that I could too make the first move but as your grandchild I feel like there should be some part of you that wants to fight for us and you haven't shown that. You haven't shown me that you care. I get upset sometimes when I think about you because you are our grandma and you are choosing to stay out of the lives of your eldest child and four of your five grandchildren. In some ways it doesn't surprise me because even growing up and when grandad passed away you always seemed to favor our cousin over us. Maybe grandad was the reason we stayed in your lives for a lot longer that we might have done.
Growing up I don't really remember loving you as much as our other grandparents because you never seemed to care like they did and continue to do. They would tell me off for talking badly about you because they were hurt that we could feel like that about you and that our love for you was fading. They don't tell me off as much about it anymore, although grandad still remains neutral and tries to help you side where he can. You're just a loss cause now and I must realise that you don't want to be in our lives. I feel angry a lot when you cross my mind because you still have a hold on my thoughts and you still linger and I wonder if you ever think about us. You're not really friendly talking topic in our house anymore but sometimes I get reminded of you through my laugh or my mannerisms and admittedly I miss you when it happens even though it makes me repulsed that I can be so much like you and I try incredibly hard to make sure that I don't become the woman you are.
I wanted to catch you up on the lives of your grandchildren. How we have grown in the time since we last saw you. You may never see our faces again but we have changed so much in the time you have not been in our lives. It get's scary when I look at my brothers and my sister and I think about all the changes you have missed and not only the growth physically but also the growth we have achieved as individuals and as a family. I think the last time we saw you Sam (in blue) was just starting to overtake you height wise and now he is well over 6 feet tall. Which shows you how much time has passed since you saw all four of us in person.
Phoebe will probably be the most drastic change, she has grown so much over the last couple of years. She is currently on the final countdown to finishing primary school and I can't wait to watch her grow through secondary school. She's extremely creative and funny and when she's in a lovely mood she's the loveliest person out there. She continues to make me proud with her optimism of life and her determination to keep going despite the hurdles thrown at her. She's an incredible kid and I'm so very sorry that you've missed out of spending time with her as she's grown and gotten older. Her style is still unique and she's very much a tom boy, she goes out to play with the boys and can do everything they do and more. She's part of scouts and it's so fun to watch that shape her passions in life and her personality. She's going to be incredible at whatever she does and I am quite certain it will be something creative, my guess right now is that she will do something down the writing route, whether that be an author or a journalist as she loves to construct stories.
Jacob is now 13 and in the top of all of his classes in his year group. He is and always has been incredibly smart. He will be picking his GSCE's next year which seems a little crazy to think about because I still remember him being little and running naked around the house (luckily this stopped with age!). Jacob loves computer games but has a real passion for building robots and has been a part of robotics (or lego club as we call it) for quite some time now. He's extremely good at programming and knows how to debate his way out of most situations. He's an interesting personality, he enjoys debating and still gets some sort of satisfaction out of making us angry at him. I wouldn't be surprised if he goes into some form of computer programming or game design when he gets older but on the other hand we all think he would back an incredible barrister. Jake is now taller than me which can be rather frustrating when I need his help to get things off of shelves and I can no longer hold things in the air out of his reach.
You would not believe the difference of Samuel since you last saw him! He is just about to finish school and only has a few GCSE's left to finish. He plans on being an aeronautical engineer when he is older which involves designing and developing planes and space craft. He's currently looking for apprenticeships but may end up starting his A-Levels in september. He's now well over 6 feet tall and when I get in his way he likes to pick me up and move me which admittedly gets old after a while. We bickered a lot as children but now he is one of my best friends and with age we have become a lot closer. His girlfriend has been a part of our lives now for a couple of years and it is so lovely to have her as part of our family. I cannot wait to watch him grow up and follow his career choice, it's going to be truly incredible to be there a long side him, supporting him through it all. He is incredible practically and knows more about things we would consider "rubbish" than a lot of people. I know he will achieve his dreams but I really think that will involve a move to america in the future and I am pretty sure he could work for NASA if he tried hard enough!
As for me life has been a struggle. I got diagnosed with mental health issues a few years back and have been extremely poorly and am very lucky to still be alive, a true credit to the work of my incredible mother. I turn 20 in August which seems a little scary but I cannot wait for the start of a new year. I am a complete radio lover and worked for Hospital Radio for almost three years, where I then moved on to Drivetime at Chelmsford Community Radio. I love it and couldn't be happier with what I am doing and enjoy learning something every time I am behind a microphone. At the start of the year I got nominated for best newcomer across the country and although didn't win still feel highly accomplished and know I am on the right path. In September I move to Stoke-On-Trent to begin studying Radio Production and Staffordshire University and although nervous at times, I am incredibly excited for the new challenge and chapter in my life. My dream is to work for Radio 1 but as I get older and more experienced I can't wait for any experience I can get from commercial radio stations. I refuse to give up and am very determined to get to where I want to be with my life regardless of what can hold me back at times.
As for Mum and Dad they are the most incredible parents anyone could ask for. They don't have an easy life and a lot seems to go wrong for us but they remain strong in their marriage and also as a family. Things get tough sometimes but they have always been incredibly supportive of all of us and continue to work hard to make sure that we are looked after and a strong family unit. They are incredible and I am so proud of how much they do in order to keep the family running smoothly and I am so lucky they are our parents and that I get to call them mum and dad. Times are changing fast in our house but they continue to remind us that we have a place to call home and come back to whenever we need it and for that I am so lucky because I could not even begin to imagine a relationship like yours and dads with my mum and I refuse to let that relationship that we have ever leave because she is my best friend, my mummy and the most wonderful and beautiful woman that I will ever meet.
The latest addition to the family is our 8 month old Goldendoodle puppy Tilly. She can be a horror when she wants to be but is incredibly loving and friendly and brings so much joy to all of our lives including dads. I'm pretty sure he prefers her over us and she is know to cuddle up with him on the sofa. I feel so lucky to have her in our lives and she continues to help me with my daily battles. It's so amazing to be so loved when you have been out and how affectionate she can be. Just the other day she came and snuggled with me whilst we watched a film. She is full of energy and can be a bit mad at times but she is still a puppy and I can't wait to watch her grow. She loves fetch the most and loves a little swim but makes rather funny noises when she goes in the sea or rives. She however HATES baths and being brushed, but with all that fur it's something she has to learn to deal with. I love her so much that it makes my heart swell when she is so loving and she really is the best dog ever.
You're now caught up on our lives and although you may never read this which is rather sad to me, it's been nice to stop and look at everyone for a bit and realise how much they have changed and how I have changed. I think about you a lot and yes I miss you sometimes because at the end of the day you will always be my grandma. I hope you are well and although I don't know how much I really mean it, I love you.
Yours Truly,
Rebecca
xxx
Dear Grandma (if you really still deserve that title from me),
It's time I wrote you a letter because I think about you a lot. You didn't bring that much happiness into my life but you are still my grandma and we still are family. I write random letters to you every now and again but they end up in the fire rather than in the post box. I don't even really know what I want to say to you, I just want to let it all out for a bit.
I get upset when I think about how much of our lives you have missed, how much we have grown, how much we have changed and how much you don't know about because you have chosen to distance yourself from us. In some ways I'm happy that we don't talk anymore, you were abusive to my little brother and my mother with the things you would say and I never felt truly that you loved us. I could hug you and your arms would lay flat by your side and it hurt me that you clearly didn't care about me and my siblings. I get angry and upset at you when I think about the time last year when I tapped you on the shoulder and said "hello grandma" to you and you chose to hide from me and walk away. I hate that instead of the warm greeting I was expecting you left and continued to turn and watch me as you walked away, leaving me standing dumbstruck on a pavement.
I don't know why you and dad don't talk anymore and it makes me incredibly angry that you are both far too stubborn to call each other. Mum says to me that maybe you think that I could too make the first move but as your grandchild I feel like there should be some part of you that wants to fight for us and you haven't shown that. You haven't shown me that you care. I get upset sometimes when I think about you because you are our grandma and you are choosing to stay out of the lives of your eldest child and four of your five grandchildren. In some ways it doesn't surprise me because even growing up and when grandad passed away you always seemed to favor our cousin over us. Maybe grandad was the reason we stayed in your lives for a lot longer that we might have done.
Growing up I don't really remember loving you as much as our other grandparents because you never seemed to care like they did and continue to do. They would tell me off for talking badly about you because they were hurt that we could feel like that about you and that our love for you was fading. They don't tell me off as much about it anymore, although grandad still remains neutral and tries to help you side where he can. You're just a loss cause now and I must realise that you don't want to be in our lives. I feel angry a lot when you cross my mind because you still have a hold on my thoughts and you still linger and I wonder if you ever think about us. You're not really friendly talking topic in our house anymore but sometimes I get reminded of you through my laugh or my mannerisms and admittedly I miss you when it happens even though it makes me repulsed that I can be so much like you and I try incredibly hard to make sure that I don't become the woman you are.
You're now caught up on our lives and although you may never read this which is rather sad to me, it's been nice to stop and look at everyone for a bit and realise how much they have changed and how I have changed. I think about you a lot and yes I miss you sometimes because at the end of the day you will always be my grandma. I hope you are well and although I don't know how much I really mean it, I love you.
Yours Truly,
Rebecca
xxx
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)