My Freshers Thoughts...

I have about 10 weeks until university and the anxieties have begun to bubble away. There's lots of things that are expected of anyone starting university and my parents have tried to "encourage me" (a gentle shove) into experiencing the full "uni experience". It is a conflict that my brain has continued to have since I confirmed my place at university. I think my parents are worried that people will think I'm weird or isolate me if I don't make the effort to join in because I've never really had a group of friends and I have missed so much of the vital socialization process.

I would love to feel like I want to do those things and experience those experiences and as much as I "might change my mind when I get there", but I do not want to go clubbing and excessively drinking. That as much as it may be good to push my anxiety also makes me feel extremely poorly with anxiety wise and I have learnt that if I have extreme anxiety over something that doing it just makes the anxiety worse in the long run.

I know I'm making excuses and I know that it will disappoint my parents but those typical ideas of "freshers" doesn't appeal to me. I want to work on feeling safe and comfortable where I am and not instantly throwing myself in the deep end with it all in one go. When watching Freshers stuff on TV I genuinely begin to feel sick at the thought of going into a club and being in that environment. That's not my personality and that's not something that with my illness would be something I could even do.

I want to do it slowly and at my pace and I don't know if I will get that chance to do so. I need the time to work through everything and as sad as it sounds get myself into a familiar routine. I want to make my own choices and I want to feel comfortable as it's going to be such a big change for me to deal with. It's hard to talk about it sometimes because I don't want to be the loser that doesn't go out and prefers the more quiet past times. I don't want to be throwing up all night and leaving myself vulnerable, I want to be safe and know that I won't be judged for that.

It's going to be a rough and scary time and I'm starting to worry that I've made the wrong choice or that my illness is going to get bad again.

Rebecca
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