A Letter For You.

There's a few situations in my life that constantly fill my head and remind me of times in my life that affected me greatly. I may over react when I talk about a certain situation which resulted in a comment from someone else saying "the other day he was the worst pedophile in the world". I know that doesn't lessen my emotions and the damage that instance caused me. So I thought I would right a letter to you personally.

Dear...
You had no right to touch me. No right to force yourself upon me. No right to think that my fights to get away were just teasing you and making you work for me. You had no right to make me feel as disgusting as I did for so long.

It makes me angry that for such a long time I gave you justification for what you did. "He's just a stupid teenage boy." "I have so much going on in my brain right now that I couldn't cope with that." or "I'm sorry I reacted weirdly. My illness stops me from being normal.". I was an idiot for thinking that what you did was okay. That when I told you no you kissed me again and when I tried to get away you took my hand and touched yourself with it. How dare you think that is ever the right way to treat a woman.

It took me a couple of days to work up the courage to tell my parents what you had done. I felt like I was to blame. Like I was disgusting for what you made me do. It might not have been the most horrific of things but I still could not wash and feel clean for days afterwards. I spent my nights sobbing at how worthless and disgusting you had made me feel and when I finally told my parents I felt like it was my fault and that I had let them down.

I've realised it was never my fault, that I am far better than that. I would never take that advantage of another human being like that. I might be a woman and the world may have shown you how it wants women to be treated, but I am not a piece of meat for sale, I am more than you will ever know. In this modern society we are taught to "victim blame" to the point where I would lay in bed and over think the situation. Was I wearing too exposing clothing? Should I have been more careful and made sure someone else was around? Did I ask for it?

For a long time I was terrified of you. Whenever I saw you I would feel like I was going to throw up. I was scared you were going to do things to me again and I didn't want you to touch me again. For a good year after everything happened even the thought of you would give me panic attacks, I would have times where I knew we would see each other and I would sit and cry with anxiety at just the thought of seeing you again. It took me a while to feel "safe" around you again and even now sometimes when I see you I get those old fears and panic attacks it's left to the people around me to pick up the pieces.

I don't feel like you ever felt the true consequences of your actions and I still spend times wondering about what it was that made you behave the way you did. I'm sorry that you got a damaged girl after everything you had done and I'm sorry that you got me desperately searching for answers but for such a long time you made me feel physically repulsed by myself and I was searching for you to give me an answer that I was looking for. It may not have been the way a girl would normally re-act but consent would have completely changed that situation and I may not still be affected about what happened that night. I never truly told everyone the full story because it still makes me feel horrible and I hate that you can still do that to me.

One day I hope things will change and that maybe we can have a better relationship, but until then I am going to work super hard not to want to hit you when I see you.
Yours Truly,
Rebecca

How Bad This Week Has Been...

I started feeling like a mental breakdown was starting on Tuesday. I've had enough of them in my time to know when they are starting. I start to lose control of my thoughts and then my actions and my words. It sounds stupid but it's like another person has moved in to my head, a bad person who makes me think, say and do things that hurt, upset and frustrate others. It's like watching yourself in a dream where you have no control on anything that you are doing, those times where you are trying to scream and you can't. Or in simpler terms almost like a Sims character where your traits and actions are being controlled by someone else. It's auto-pilot and the start of a mental breakdown for me.

According to my psychologist they won't test me for bipolar disorder until I am 21, apparently that is when the symptoms begin to show. You know that's rubbish and so do I. When one of my breakdowns happens I begin to show those symptoms of bipolar a lot more than normal, I can be manically depressed and crying and then 10 seconds later uncontrollably hyper. Both in their own rights are horrible, but the uncontrollably "high" patches are horrible because that's when I begin to say inappropriate things and behave horribly and it's so difficult because I can't control myself at all. I've recently started describing it like being drunk. You know that point where you're all giggly and can't control what you are saying or doing? That is how it feels when these high points hit.

I don't really tend to talk about how bad it gets to anyone. With University coming up I want to show my parents that I can be okay and "normal" and they have nothing to worry about. I also worry about ending up in the psychiatrist unit, and although I thought that I wasn't as afraid as I used to be about it, I have recently had this overwhelming fear that that is where I am going to end up soon. Yes it might be for the best but with everything going on right now, I don't think I could handle that too.

Some thoughts have been scary and nobody has really known about them. I've been extremely suicidal and that voice inside my head that tells me to end it has thought of any way humanly possible for me to do it. That's been happening since Wednesday night, I've had very light relief but it has been a constant stream in my mind. I've been putting on a brave face and acting "normal" because I don't want my parents to worry. But this is the worst I have been in a very long time. Probably since the last time I considered overdosing and got extremely close to doing so. Very early Thursday morning I considered just sneaking out and finding a way that I could kill myself that wouldn't end up with my family having to find me somewhere in the house. It's stupid but when I get suicidal I think about these things a lot, my mind obsessively plans and works out the easiest way to go about things. I even wrote a suicide note for the first time this week, I told people I wasn't going to do anything stupid but really I thought that I would soon be free.

It's hard because I don't feel like I have that understanding anymore. I don't want my family to pussy-foot around me whilst I am like this but with a head full of constant noise it's hard to cope with anything much more than a simple quiet chat. My brain hurts, my head hurts and I feel so numb. It's frustrating because I was stupid enough to think I was getting better and yet the cycle has begun again. Life is hard and one day I really hope I can figure this mess all out.

Rebecca
xxx

Baking With Becky | Braybrook's Favourite Cookies

I thought I would try something new on this blog and begin to show you some recipes. I can't say that this will be regular but I want to show you some things that I enjoy cooking. So where better to start than the family favourite cookie recipe. These produce more sponge-y cookies rather than chewy. My mum doesn't like cookies but these she loves, along with the rest of the household.

Starting with the butter I choose to use unsalted butter as the recipe calls for salt later on and I don't want the cookies to be too salty. Everyone says differently about the butter in cookies as it affects the end result but I prefer to use soft/runny butter so I stick it in a bowl in the microwave for 30 seconds to 1 minute, stopping and taking it out to check that it hasn't turned to liquid completely. This can then be added to your large mixing bowl ready to be mixed with the sugar.

This recipe calls for two different types of sugar, on the recipe it says soft dark brown sugar but I use soft light brown sugar as the cookies don't come out as dark and can look a bit burnt with the dark brown sugar. So the recipe asks for brown sugar and caster sugar for these cookies. You can then add this too the bowl with the butter and begin to mix until they are creamed together and the mixture has become light and fluffy. Although this is easy with soft butter, it's a lot faster and nicer to your arms to use and electric mixer if you have one!

In another bowl crack one egg and add your vanilla extract and beat until the egg mixture becomes a little lighter and has a couple of bubbles appearing. You don't want to over mix your egg (you will know if the mixture becomes too bubbly) as this will change the overall cookie at the end. I tend to get lazy at this part and although you are supposed to add the egg gradually and beat it in, I get too afraid that I will curdle the mixture so I choose to add the egg mixture and the flour at the same time to stop the butter and egg curdling together.

Your drys are as follows: Flour (plain, all purpose flour is good enough for the job), Bicarbonate of Soda and Salt. I tend to sift all this ingredients together as I can be sure that there are no lumps in it and also it's easier to just bung the sieve on the bowl and chuck all the drys in (I'm such a star baker if you can tell). I then add this to the cookie mixture at the same time as the egg and vanilla goo and mix as this saves the cookie mixture from curdling and makes the process a little faster (I can make these in about 10 minutes if I don't stick it in the fridge!).

FINALLY THE BEST INGREDIENT! Yet another recipe change for you with this. The recipe I use calls for 175g of chocolate chips but they come in bags of 100g's so I just end up shoving 200g's of chocolate chips in my dough! I have also tried cooking chocolate and chopping up 175g's, it works just as good as chocolate chips but the finer it is chopped the more spread out in the dough you can find the pieces of chocolate. But if you're going to stick to the traditional chocolate chips then you can shove two bags in there and it's fine!

Once the mixture is fully mixed and ready I choose to stick it in the fridge for a while, this just stops the mixture from being too runny. Resulting in flat, rather thin cookies, which of course nobody wants really! I leave them in there for as long as I can but 30 minutes can be enough if you have the time to stick them in the fridge. I then use a cookie scoop thing (we're fancy in our house) but scooping them with spoons will work just as well. I then stick them in a pre-heated oven (should have probably mentioned this sooner!) at 160-180 degrees for about 10-15 minutes. I find that mine take about 10 minutes before they look ready to come out. Once taken out of the oven leave the cookies to cool on the tray for a couple of minutes (until you cave in and need one) and scoop them off the tray with a spatula. Then you can enjoy your cookies, which are quite splendid warm but also are not that bad the day after. If you make more than you want to cook, you can actually freeze the balls of dough and cook them at a later date. They last about 3 months in the freezer and will need to have about an hour on a tray in the freezer and then they can go in a freezer bag, ready to be used when you are craving them!

 Voila there you have the Braybrook Family's Favourite Cookies!

Ingredients

• 115g - of Butter. Room temperature or however you like the butter in your cookies!
• 45g - Caster Sugar
• 100g - Soft Light Brown Sugar
• 1 Egg
• 1/2 teaspoon - Vanilla Extract
• 175g - Plain Flour
• 1/2 teaspoon - Bicarbonate of Soda (or Baking Soda)
• 1/4 teaspoon - Salt
• 175g (or 200g) - Chocolate Chips

Of course you can customise the cookies as you please, the recipe suggests walnuts so you can really mix it up. I hope you enjoy the recipe and the cookies if you have a go at baking them!