A Letter For You.

There's a few situations in my life that constantly fill my head and remind me of times in my life that affected me greatly. I may over react when I talk about a certain situation which resulted in a comment from someone else saying "the other day he was the worst pedophile in the world". I know that doesn't lessen my emotions and the damage that instance caused me. So I thought I would right a letter to you personally.

Dear...
You had no right to touch me. No right to force yourself upon me. No right to think that my fights to get away were just teasing you and making you work for me. You had no right to make me feel as disgusting as I did for so long.

It makes me angry that for such a long time I gave you justification for what you did. "He's just a stupid teenage boy." "I have so much going on in my brain right now that I couldn't cope with that." or "I'm sorry I reacted weirdly. My illness stops me from being normal.". I was an idiot for thinking that what you did was okay. That when I told you no you kissed me again and when I tried to get away you took my hand and touched yourself with it. How dare you think that is ever the right way to treat a woman.

It took me a couple of days to work up the courage to tell my parents what you had done. I felt like I was to blame. Like I was disgusting for what you made me do. It might not have been the most horrific of things but I still could not wash and feel clean for days afterwards. I spent my nights sobbing at how worthless and disgusting you had made me feel and when I finally told my parents I felt like it was my fault and that I had let them down.

I've realised it was never my fault, that I am far better than that. I would never take that advantage of another human being like that. I might be a woman and the world may have shown you how it wants women to be treated, but I am not a piece of meat for sale, I am more than you will ever know. In this modern society we are taught to "victim blame" to the point where I would lay in bed and over think the situation. Was I wearing too exposing clothing? Should I have been more careful and made sure someone else was around? Did I ask for it?

For a long time I was terrified of you. Whenever I saw you I would feel like I was going to throw up. I was scared you were going to do things to me again and I didn't want you to touch me again. For a good year after everything happened even the thought of you would give me panic attacks, I would have times where I knew we would see each other and I would sit and cry with anxiety at just the thought of seeing you again. It took me a while to feel "safe" around you again and even now sometimes when I see you I get those old fears and panic attacks it's left to the people around me to pick up the pieces.

I don't feel like you ever felt the true consequences of your actions and I still spend times wondering about what it was that made you behave the way you did. I'm sorry that you got a damaged girl after everything you had done and I'm sorry that you got me desperately searching for answers but for such a long time you made me feel physically repulsed by myself and I was searching for you to give me an answer that I was looking for. It may not have been the way a girl would normally re-act but consent would have completely changed that situation and I may not still be affected about what happened that night. I never truly told everyone the full story because it still makes me feel horrible and I hate that you can still do that to me.

One day I hope things will change and that maybe we can have a better relationship, but until then I am going to work super hard not to want to hit you when I see you.
Yours Truly,
Rebecca