I started feeling like a mental breakdown was starting on Tuesday. I've had enough of them in my time to know when they are starting. I start to lose control of my thoughts and then my actions and my words. It sounds stupid but it's like another person has moved in to my head, a bad person who makes me think, say and do things that hurt, upset and frustrate others. It's like watching yourself in a dream where you have no control on anything that you are doing, those times where you are trying to scream and you can't. Or in simpler terms almost like a Sims character where your traits and actions are being controlled by someone else. It's auto-pilot and the start of a mental breakdown for me.
According to my psychologist they won't test me for bipolar disorder until I am 21, apparently that is when the symptoms begin to show. You know that's rubbish and so do I. When one of my breakdowns happens I begin to show those symptoms of bipolar a lot more than normal, I can be manically depressed and crying and then 10 seconds later uncontrollably hyper. Both in their own rights are horrible, but the uncontrollably "high" patches are horrible because that's when I begin to say inappropriate things and behave horribly and it's so difficult because I can't control myself at all. I've recently started describing it like being drunk. You know that point where you're all giggly and can't control what you are saying or doing? That is how it feels when these high points hit.
I don't really tend to talk about how bad it gets to anyone. With University coming up I want to show my parents that I can be okay and "normal" and they have nothing to worry about. I also worry about ending up in the psychiatrist unit, and although I thought that I wasn't as afraid as I used to be about it, I have recently had this overwhelming fear that that is where I am going to end up soon. Yes it might be for the best but with everything going on right now, I don't think I could handle that too.
Some thoughts have been scary and nobody has really known about them. I've been extremely suicidal and that voice inside my head that tells me to end it has thought of any way humanly possible for me to do it. That's been happening since Wednesday night, I've had very light relief but it has been a constant stream in my mind. I've been putting on a brave face and acting "normal" because I don't want my parents to worry. But this is the worst I have been in a very long time. Probably since the last time I considered overdosing and got extremely close to doing so. Very early Thursday morning I considered just sneaking out and finding a way that I could kill myself that wouldn't end up with my family having to find me somewhere in the house. It's stupid but when I get suicidal I think about these things a lot, my mind obsessively plans and works out the easiest way to go about things. I even wrote a suicide note for the first time this week, I told people I wasn't going to do anything stupid but really I thought that I would soon be free.
It's hard because I don't feel like I have that understanding anymore. I don't want my family to pussy-foot around me whilst I am like this but with a head full of constant noise it's hard to cope with anything much more than a simple quiet chat. My brain hurts, my head hurts and I feel so numb. It's frustrating because I was stupid enough to think I was getting better and yet the cycle has begun again. Life is hard and one day I really hope I can figure this mess all out.
Rebecca
xxx
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