Growing Up Hating Your Body

So the summer is back and with that comes the decrease in clothing. I've always been to a degree insecure about my body but over the past couple of years I really thought I was beginning to learn how to love myself and not feel ashamed or embarrassed of the way I look. I was doing good with it, I was starting to wear bikini's again after going through a phase of wearing a shirt and a swimming skirt in the pool.I try very hard not to talk about my insecurities in front of my little sister, I don't want her to think that hating your body is something that has to happen.

It started on Tuesday when we attended her last sports day and because of the heat wave I wore shorts. I physically repulsed myself. I felt disgusting. Sitting on the camping chair I couldn't bare to look down because my big floppy thighs looked horrible and I didn't want to remember they were there. As we were walking home my thighs begun to clap together and I looked down again, to see the two blobs wobbling with every step I took. I hated it and I didn't feel "normal", I kept watching my sister-in-law to see if it was normal but felt like it was just me after a while.

I also get super insecure about my boobs, it's not something I really talk about because it seems a bit taboo. Sitting here thinking about what I want I to say has given me a bit of a "screw it" attitude. I have a very small chest size, I would describe them as still at that awkward teenage phase that they never grew out of. When I was first measured I came up as a C cup which when I tried it on I barely even filled. Even with a B cup I still don't quite fill the whole of the bra. Which is frustrating, especially when I explain this to ladies who fit bra's and then they turn around and tell me I'm a C cup even though I just spent 10 minutes showing them that my B cup bra doesn't even fit.

I get very insecure about my small boobs. Nowadays on social media and magazines we see a lot of women with big and sometimes false boobs being scrutinized about their bodies and it can be hard not to put that judgement into view when looking at your own body. My main worry about my boobs is that men will be repulsed by me in the future. It might sound irrational and stupid but I think about when I get round to being intimate with someone and how they will react when they see my boobs. They're small and weirdly shaped and as many times people say "different sized boobs are normal" it doesn't make me feel better that they make me so incredibly insecure.

In some aspects I have been very lucky to just feeling incredibly insecure about my body because there are so many people out there in the worlds who do harm to themselves because they don't think they are attractive and that is so very upsetting. But growing up with this is a horrible thing to live with. To hate the skin you are in and never feeling confident about who you are. Not believing people when they tell you you are pretty and wondering how you can ever be loved when you look like you do. I'm determined to figure this out.

Rebecca
xxx