To The College Girls Who Called Me a Bitch

Firstly, thank you. If I hadn't found out you secretly talked about me behind my back moving on from our "friendship group" would have been a lot more difficult than it could have been. I wanted to write to the girls at college because the "genuine" (there may be A LOT of sarcasm in this post!) friendship we shared was something that appeared in my mind the other day when I was looking through my old twitter DM's and deleting them as I went, a process that can bring up a lot but also make you realise how much better your life has become.

I never fit into our group, or I should probably refer to it as your group, regardless I didn't fit in. I wasn't interested in what you were interested in. I didn't like talking about what you were talking about. I was quiet and preferred reading in my breaks and found myself slowly being pushed to the outside of the circle, both metaphorically and literally. It was the only time I was part of a girly clique and it was the most miserable existence to be living in. 

I didn't like the gossip, I didn't like talking about others behind their backs but it seemed almost impossible not to do if I wanted to stay in that group. I hid on the outside but I still chose to cling on to the edge for all it was worth. I wouldn't talk about others behind their backs but it seemed the rest of the group did. Amongst the cliques, smaller groups were formed and when I found myself with them I would hear all of the gossip about the others. I was trapped in a circle where everyone secretly hated each other and arguments would break out resulting to periods of girls ignoring each other. It's weird because looking back I thought I was somewhat immune from all of that because I didn't go around slagging off the others to the rest of the group.

I was made very self conscious about eating that year. During the hour lunch breaks the girls would sit and chat and whenever I even pulled my sandwich from my bag I felt like I was loosing valuable "friendship" with these people. I felt like they were looking at me and judging me for trying to get some food in to me. After a while I gave up eating lunch, taking to throwing my sandwich in a bin on the way home so that my parents didn't get suspicious. I was starving and miserable and I couldn't escape because I had no where else to go.

They would discuss sexual things quite a fair bit. I didn't feel comfortable discussing things like that and didn't have any knowledge or experience to participate in the conversation. I begun to feel even more secluded and begun to hide behind my phone or a book. It was difficult to sit and listen to it because in someways it was affecting my innocence. Homeschooling came with it's perks and that was one of them. 

I hated the group of questionable friendship and as desperately as I wanted to escape I was tied up because I had no other friends to run too. I begun to feel insecure. I was surrounded by these girls with sexual knowledge and covered in make-up and I looked in at myself and knew that I didn't fit in. I would watch them put on their make-up or get up to speak to a guy and I would just think to myself "why can't I be like that". It was stupid how I let this all destroy my life. I didn't want to be a part of that group any longer.

I wasn't spoken to outside of college, although they all followed me on twitter. My knowledge of my  mental health journey was just beginning and was rapidly approaching my first major suicide attempt. Only one of the girls knew about it because she was the only one I felt I could trust not to betray me. When I posted depressing things on twitter I would get "don't be silly" back and it hurt to think that my "friends" thought I was just being over dramatic. 

At one point I made a stupid mistake. I was getting close to my suicide attempt (with probably weeks or days to it) and of course I had a mental breakdown. Those aren't pretty and I say a lot of things that I probably wouldn't say otherwise. I tweeted that I didn't feel like I had friends and that I didn't feel like I had anyone to talk to. I was hurting so bad and that tweet was scarily accurate but also extremely offensive to the girls I hung out with.

For people who I thought hadn't really paid attention to the girl who hides to the side with her nose in a book, this apparently offended them. I can kind of see why but I was also really poorly and didn't know what I was saying or doing at all. This got me isolated more and a few days later one of  them pulled me aside to gossip and told me all about how they were calling me a bitch behind my back. I was devastated. I couldn't see what was that wrong for them to talk about me like that behind my back. I wanted to hide from the world because the people who I clung to desperately for friendship had finally spotted me on their radar and decided I wasn't worthy.

I still had a couple of friends in that group that I would sit with but the group was beginning to fracture. What would upset me the most was when I would sit at a table with them and girls would get up and walk away. I was starting to have nowhere left to go and no one to talk to. They started finding more reasons to hate me and isolate me and I was finding more ways to try and break away from them.  Although they were still my friends, which was something I hadn't had for years and I was desperate to try and not be completely abandoned.

After a while the group split and I was left all alone. It sucked but when the summer rolled in I knew that the majority of them weren't staying on. I was relieved that the pressure of being part of a clique-y girl group was coming to an end. But it was still devastating for me on results day when I saw that the group had gone to pick up their results together without even a mention to me. A lot of the group were girls who I had still considered my friends and to see them hanging around without me hurt, a lot. So much so that I actually sat in Starbucks on results day, sobbing because I was alone again. I never got the chance to have a normal friendship growing up and mine was ripped away so fast that seeing them in town without me was a severe blow to the system.

I still remember mum walking me out of Starbucks whilst I cried and couldn't stop looking at them. It was hard but I got through it. I may not have them in my life anymore and they may still be in each others but I am better off to know that I am happy with where I am and what I am doing and that one day I won't even remember who they are.

Rebecca
xxx