Life 10 Years On | Anti-Bullying Week 2017

It's Anti-Bullying Week 2017 and I thought I'd attempt to write something. I used to do a lot on social media around Anti-Bullying Week and I don't really know why I stopped. But this year marks 10 years since I was pulled out of school because of the bullying and I can't believe that 10 years has passed since I went through everything that I did whilst I was in school. Weirdly it still feels crystal clear and I can remember nearly everything as though it was yesterday. For uber-cringey reference, if you want to know more, here is a 7 YEAR OLD VIDEO of some of my experiences
(I've watched 10 seconds of that video, recoiled in horror and closed the tab down so ENJOY!):

A lot has changed in the last 10 years and it's not been the easiest of times. 5 years ago I was diagnosed with OCD, Depression, Panic Attacks and Anxiety and a lot of this had actually started from when I was at school. I was so severely bullied that I'd find myself having panic attacks about going into school and found myself in waves of depression and self doubt. I was 12 years old, I hated myself and I was extremely suicidal. I didn't want to exist anymore and I didn't feel worthy of even being alive.

So around this time 10 years ago after the bully threatening to take my life and my parents hearing me tell them that I didn't want to live anymore, they decided to pull me out of school. Home-education was not all it is cracked up to be. Although I was happy, I was also alone and only ever interacted with my family. I became isolated quickly and still find myself struggling to communicate with others without a little bit of niggling self doubt in the back of my mind. I'd spent the years before that being isolated from my peers and then not seeing anyone whilst being homeschooled was tough. I find socialising still extremely difficult, I don't like to go out and feel safer and more comfortable at home. Although it's been tough, moving to university was the best thing I could have done, it's pushed me out of my comfort zone and made me realise that I don't stand out as much as I think I do.

I still struggle with my self confidence, which is understandable after years of relentless bullying. For me it didn't just stop at school, I then faced bullying in my first year of college when I joined at the age of 16. Having people tell you horrible things about what you already hate about yourself is difficult and I still struggle to find the confidence most days to feel okay with myself and my appearance. I don't like talking out in class because I don't feel as smart as everyone else after the time I missed at school, I hear the voice in the back of my head telling me I'm wrong and that I should be quiet.

I hate that there are still so many negatives to everything that happened at school and how it still affects me 10 years later. But there are also so many positives. I'm the happiest I have been in years, it's taken a lot of time and work but I'm at a place where I am happy a solid 80% of the time and for me that is everything. I am determined, I want to achieve the best that I can achieve because I have so many people to prove wrong and do show that I am more than capable of doing anything (myself included). I now have the greatest friends who stick by me for morale support when I need someone to tell me I am doing okay and I feel so lucky to have people in my life who are on my side and love me for who I am. I am brave, I make choices that push me out of my comfort zone and I work hard to make sure that I am on the path to doing what I want to do, even if that scares me sometimes.

I can't believe that 10 years ago I was ready to end my life. I didn't want to be here anymore. Things are so different now and although I still have times where life is hard the bullying has only made me stronger. I sometimes feel like I am behind in so many aspects of life but like everything that has happened in my lifetime, I'm just doing things a little differently to everyone else. I'm so lucky that my parents took me out of school when I did because I genuinely don't think I'd be here today without them. So to the kids who thought it was okay to make my life a living hell, I hope you're happy also, that you've matured and grown as people and that one day you'll think back to everything that happened and feel ashamed that you ever thought that was okay. I don't hate those people anymore, I don't really think about them either and I think that everything I've been through in those last 10 years has shown me how time fixes everything and that eventually it will be okay.

Yours Truly,
Rebecca
xxx

Dear 16 Year Old Becky | World Mental Health Day

It's World Mental Health Day and to get back into the swing of writing (I say this a lot I swear) I have decided to write a blog post. I want to start writing more and if there's anything you want to hear about, let me know! Anyway let's go!!!


Dear 16 Year Old Becky,  ------------------------->

There is so much I want to tell you about your future and so much that I wish you knew so that you had something to hold onto when things got crap.

This is the year I first attempted to take my own life. I stood staring at the busy rush hour traffic and considering stepping out into it. This happens in April-May time and you don't end up telling anyone that this happens for months. Know that there are people out there that are going to help you and you should never have felt ashamed to tell an adult that could help you, instead of the people we do go to first and inevitably hurt you and end up not even staying in our life.

Those first few weeks afterwards were tough because deep down I knew the severity of what had just happened and I still can remember the sheer sense of relief when I reached out and grabbed that lamp post to stop myself from stepping out into the traffic. The next few months are a rollercoaster and somewhat of a blur. It's hard to remember quite what happened in those few months, there was numerous doctors visits, multiple nights of tears and a couple more suicide attempts (it was scary).

16 year old Becky, I wish I could show you that you are never alone, that there are so many people around you that love you dearly and how your life is going to be so different in five years time. I wish you could see the incredible friends you have now and how eventually you won't feel that gut wrenching loneliness. We have our moments where you feel like you can't go anymore, when everything seems pointless but just know that now you have so much around you and things will get better.

Around July-August time of 2012 we get the diagnosis of all the things that are wrong and for a while this becomes our identity. It's almost as if instead of just being in our head we become the depression and the anxiety and everything else that's thrown in there. Even at 22 it's hard sometimes to let this have a control over you but it get's easier to manage and you slowly learn to adapt and grow with everything. Those illnesses do not make you any less of a person. They do not make you a "crazy person" who does not deserve love. They are just a disability that you will eventually learn to handle and control as best as you can.

It's weird to look back now on the difficulties that we faced over those first few years. I can never forget what it's like to feel so numb, so alone and so deeply depressed. I can't believe how far we have come and how much we have achieved over the last 6 years and how much we have grown and changed as a person. Yes, things aren't always good and there are the occasional bad brain days, we still live with a constant voice flickering in our heads with the anxiety and the OCD but it has become so much more manageable now that we know what we can do to look after it. Sometimes I wish I could go back and tell you everything will be okay, to show you what is still to come and to show you that it gets better. I hate thinking about the broken 16 year old and all that we went through but to come out the other side is so rewarding. Please don't be afraid to talk to someone, they're there to help you. Write out your feelings in a notebook and try not to put so much online. Twitter is still such a great outlet for your emotions but I can see how this is worrying and scares people but also don't let that put you off letting it out somewhere.

You've got this, I promise you.
Yours Truly,
Rebecca
xxx

Book Review | Radio Girls

It's finally time for another book review... It's taken me a while and I've realised I have loads of draft book reviews waiting to be posted but not fully finished. So I thought I'd get back into the swing of things!

My latest read was Radio Girls by Sarah Jane Stratford, a story based on the BBC in the mid 1920's to early 1930's. I LOVED THIS BOOK! As a complete radio nerd it was great to be submerged into a historical fiction novel of where radio really started to take shape. The story is based around the canadian Maisie Musgrave as she begins working at the BBC. It includes pivotal people from the actual history of the BBC including Lord Reith who played a vital role in the establishing of the BBC and was the first General Manager and Director-General for the corporation. The book also featured Hilda Matherson who was the first director of the Talks department. I loved the history of this book and enjoyed leaving the book to learn the history of the people featured throughout. My only criticism of this book is that it felt so long to read and I spent hours dragging myself through the pages. It's saving grace was that it was interesting to read but it ate up so much time. I'm not sure particularly why I felt like it took long to read, maybe the sheer depth of the book and the detail on every page just made it very difficult to read lots of pages in one go.

I did however enjoy the story line which was well thought out, very detailed and very interesting. The twists and turns had me hooked and I enjoyed going back this book every day. I found myself gasping in places, disgusted with characters and even the way women were treated at the time. I found things shocking but it continued to pull me in the whole way through the book. I enjoyed all the nerdy radio things scattered in the book and loved somewhat of a glimpse back to those times of early radio broadcasting. I was somewhat disappointed with the ending which just fell short of winning me over as there was so much build up in those last 100 pages that I felt somewhat deflated and let down by how everything was resolved. Regardless I would definitely go back to this book again and would highly recommend it to anyone who enjoys historical fiction or is a radio nerd like myself!

Rebecca
xxx

Brain Update

Hello Blog,

It's been a while since I've posted anything here on the blog (I same this every time, I know). I have written lots of blog posts and just not felt right about posting them or get frustrated with it as I'm writing it. I've had blogging block.

I wanted to write about my mental health and where I'm at. Things have changed so much since we last spoke about my brain (last September!!!) so we are well overdue on an update. Last time we spoke I had just come off of my Fluoxetine, that I had been on for just over two years. My dosage had been doubled at the psychologist appointment because I was experiencing more patches of depression and suicidal thoughts and so it was suggested that I up the dosage. That left me feeling more numb than before. I felt like I didn't have emotions anymore and I couldn't feel anything at all.

It was horrible and I knew I couldn't keep going like this. It wasn't the safest option but I just went cold turkey and stopped taking them, not telling anyone for a few weeks to see if they noticed a difference. In hindsight and for advice to anyone reading this thinking of doing the same thing, please tell at least one person, just in case. Something could of gone horrendously wrong, I could have had a bad reaction to just cutting the meds, that I had been taking every day for two years, out of my life completely. My body could have reacted badly, my brain could have reacted badly and I could have gotten seriously ill. You're supposed to wean off of these sorts of meds and over the 5 years that I've been taking various meds for my mental health issues I've had to spend a lot of time weaning off of different medication. It gets so tiring and frustrating because you never know if it's actually doing anything.

So I came off of my main meds and things have been great. I don't feel numb anymore and although I'll still get those waves of depression, I can handle them now. It's weird to look back and see how differently I handled those patches of depression and everything that has changed since the start up to now. I was a shell of a person, I was depressed all the time and anxious and I didn't know how to control or handle it. But over the years you learn different tips and tricks to help you keep a control of the situation. Yes, when you get depressed it's hard to remember that you've gotten through it before but the trick is to surround yourself with people that care about you, to talk to them continuously and make sure that someone is going to be there to help you through. It's difficult I know but getting over that hurdle of talking to people will really help you.

I still get patches of anxiety and panic attacks, but like the depression, I have tips and tricks to handle it now. I can now easily identify if I'm feeling anxious and although I don't always know what is triggering it, I can now handle it. There's some great apps that I use for the panic attacks which are good to help settle the anxiety. The 'Mindful' app is really handy, it has a 'Pause' feature which helps encourage you to breath and distracts you from the panic attacks. I find this one really useful in those situations that I know trigger the panic attacks, like getting on the bus. It also teaches you mindfulness which helps control the anxiety through breathing. It's my go to app for anything anxiety related.

I will do a blog post soon on all the apps that I use to help me handle my mental health issues and the tips and tricks that use for when I am having a tough time. Overall though I have a good handle on my brain right now and it feels so nice to finally feel like I am on top of it and in control of everything. The other day, I went past the place where I had my first suicide "attempt" and I couldn't help but look at all the things that have changed since that day. Everything came rushing back, that moment, the days afterwards, the doctors appointments that followed, the attempts that came and that fear of those moments and days. Things have changed and I'm back on a good path and that is something I am so happy about. I know I will never be fully recovered and I still live every day with the extra noise in my brain but it's now something I can handle. It takes practice and isn't easy but it's possible.

Rebecca
xxx

Chapter 2016

In 2014 I did a list of all the things I had achieved that year. Highlights and memories I didn't want to forget. I didn't do one last year and I am kicking myself for letting those memories slide. So here is a probably short and more rambly memories from 2016...

This year I completed my first year at university. That in itself was a huge achievement for me after putting it off for years. When I first got super poorly I decided I wasn't going to be able to do university, the thought kept me up at night with panic attacks and so I had ruled it out completely. Now I'm halfway through my degree and I've grown more than I thought possible in the past year and a half. I achieved my first overnight trip with the old university, ironically up to see the site of the new university and had an incredible time exploring manchester with one of my best friends.

I also decided to transfer universities about a week into my second year. I moved back to Stoke and decided it was no longer the university that was going to help me reach my career goals. So I managed to arrange to look at The University of Salford and was offered a place then and there. I was terrified and the anxiety was ridiculous but I couldn't miss out on the opportunity that was in front of me. I've made some incredible friends along the way as well as learning so much more than I ever was going to at the last university. I love it in Salford and I cannot wait to see where the next year and a half of my degree takes me.  

I have made some fantastic memories this year as part of Chelmsford Community Radio. The station is my second home with my extended family and I feel so lucky to be a part of something so incredibly special. I look forward to the summer with CCR because it's a time of outside broadcasts; which are exhausting and hard work but also such a wonderful experience. 

This year with CCR we had some incredible and fun adventures over the summer. I found myself at Essex Pride 2016, which is always by far one of my favourite events of the summer. It's such a colourful and accepting environment and I love working at the event. We had the pleasure of interviewing the lovely Stooshe this year and overall it was an incredible day. A small team of us also madly stayed up to 3am, 18 miles away from home in Romford for St Francis Hospice's Star Walk. It was an incredible evening setting up our broadcasting truck and watching hundreds of incredible women walking in the dark for an incredible cause. There is nothing more incredible than looking out over a sea of flashing bunny ears and thinking "this is my job and I love it." I was also lucky enough to attend V Festival 2016 as "Press" (SERIOUSLY?!?!) where I saw some incredible acts and met some people who are where I want to be in a few years time. 

V Festival was incredible and I was fortunate enough to meet a couple of members of the band Bastille and band I've talked about a few times on the blog. They have been my favourite band since I was 17 years old and their music has done so much to help me through my mental health issues. From suicide attempts to panic attacks, Bastille were there and to have them standing in front of me was a little crazy. V Festival lead me to an actual interview with the full band in November. It was possibly the scariest thing I have done in my career so far. I think I was so worried about making a terrible impression because of their importance in my life and I wanted to put our radio station in good light with them. I was really proud of what I achieved and hopefully it is only the start.

This year I turned 21, I'm officially properly out of my teens and now scarily closer to 30 than I am to being 10. It was a weird week or so around that time, it was tough and sad and despite everything I still had a lovely day. It's not a birthday I ever really want to look back on because I felt so alone but it's taught me some valuable lessons about who I have in my life.

2016 was the year I came off my main antidepressants. After 5 years of being heavily medicated I decided I was beginning to feel too numb. I wasn't feeling like myself. I didn't feel like I was feeling anything anymore, I was numb. So at the end of August I just stopped, cold turkey and although the first week was incredibly difficult, it was the best decision I have ever made. I've had one patch of being heavily depressed since and although I get low patches it is nowhere near as bad as it used to be. 

I've grown incredibly this year and although I am starting this year feeling quite lost and alone, I know that it's going to get better. If 2016 is anything to go by I know that 2017 is only going to hold bigger and better things for me hopefully.

Rebecca
xxx