Hi Folks, I'm on week 3 of a mental breakdown and I've had some inspiration on writing this blog post. It's not a personal attack on anyone, more things I have learnt over the last few years as I have dealt with various people during my periods of depression.
1. Just Breath:
One thing that doesn't really help when having a panic attack is someone panickingly telling you to breath, when you feel like you can't breath. When having a panic attack the last thing you need is someone around you panicking too, it just doesn't help at all. Please try not to shout at them to breath as you freak out and can't quite cope yourself with what is happening, I know it's scary for you guys too but it doesn't help us when we're panicking. My mum has the perfect tactic for my panic attacks when she is with me, she'll take my hand and give it a squeeze, it might seem like a weird little gesture but just knowing I have the comfort of my mum there and that it will be okay helps the process of beginning to calm down. This is maybe when the option "take slow deep breaths" calmly will then work wonders because the alarm bells in our brains aren't still going at full power.
2. Never Give Up:
You'd be surprised how many people will tell you that they're always there for you and yet shy away when you begin to even feel slightly like a breakdown is coming on, let alone when you've hit rock bottom and all you need is someone to just rant at. I know it can be tough and scary to see someone you love feeling so low but ignoring the situation and not being there for them when they need you is a horrible thing to do. It leaves them feeling alone and abandoned as they struggle to deal with how they are feeling. It makes them begin to feel like a burden to you, like they can't open up to you because you'll leave and then they're just left all alone.
3. "Just Get Over It":
Telling someone with mental health issues to "just get over it" is possibly one of the most dangerous things you can tell someone when they are feeling poorly. Do you think that if we could "just get over it" we would have already chosen to take that path? We don't feel like this because it's fun and we're seeking attention and sympathy. We don't have a choice in how our brain dictates our emotions, we surprisingly don't want to constantly feel like this.
4. We Can't "Just Get Out Of Bed":
I've learnt over the years that not being able to get out of bed when you're feeling extremely depressed is completely normal. We're not being lazy, we physically cannot get out of bed. It's something that is incredibly hard to explain to people that do not suffer with depression but when you're feeling so low you lose all sense of motivation. Your body literally doesn't not want to move, you can see no point of getting out of you cave of safety and entering the world around you. It's much safer sometimes to just hide away in bed until the storm has past.
5. It's Not Your Fault:
Admittedly yes, when I've felt bad I have frustratingly blamed people for making me feel like this. But my biggest piece of advice to someone looking after someone with mental illness is that it's not your fault. It never was your fault at all. Although it doesn't get taken as seriously sometimes, it's a disability that we were born with. Sometimes it might get a little tough and scary but please know that we will always love you unconditionally, even when we're saying things that hurt, we don't mean them and we love you for sticking with us.
The odd down patch is to be expected when you're on medication for depression but this week has been one of the worst I have had in a long time. Weirdly I have not felt suicidal and that my family would be better off without me, but I have been feeling like I just want to curl away under my duvet and disappear, a thought that has been so regular that it's been the only thing that has really helped me to go to sleep recently. The thought of me being completely invisible to the outside world and staying tucked away safely in my bed away from any danger, including my own brain.
It's really quite strange when I feel depressed because for the rest of the time you probably wouldn't even realise that I have depression. I'm a bright and bubbly person on the outside but when I feel low it's hard to even crack a smile. To be fair to myself it's been a difficult few months, I've been stuck at home after finishing college with no real stable friendships, with people my own age that I see regularly enough to be classed as socialising and my life isn't going anywhere right now. I have a gap year between uni and college and it's been so hard to find a job, especially when the anxiety and panic attacks are trying to talk you out of it.
It's been a really difficult week because I haven't felt this low is such a long time that I've sort of forgotten how I "cope" with it. I've pretty much not gotten out of bed when I've felt like I couldn't and although I've gone out a couple of times, those trips have been filled with panic attacks and anxiety. I don't normally get anxiety when we go to places that I am used too but this week I had such terrible panic attacks on the bus and thought I was going to be sick multiple times on trips to town, which normally never happens.
My brain feels like it's slowly turning against me. When I start to feel depressed I get pressure in my brain as though it is expanding and pushing against the sides of my skull. It's rather painful and has been there for nearly a week now, sometimes I wish my ear was the end of a balloon and you could open it up and let the pressure out, but no I'm still stuck with a brain that feels like it's going to explode and is to heavy to even want to hold up at some points.
I've just wanted to cry and have spent most nights since tuesday just crying myself to sleep, which might sound over dramatic to some people but being depressed hurts so much that it's sometimes the only way to let it out. My brain also likes to play tricks on me, when I get very poorly I begin to start seeing and hearing things, which makes me feel like I'm completely losing all self control. It's terrifying to be standing in the shower watching the door wobble around, even though you know that it's not really happening.
The voices in my head haven't started yet though which is something I can be grateful for but seeing things is not really that pleasant either. I remember when I was really sick and I went out a couple of times at night with the family and thinking I could see shadowed people standing on the paths and it was such a scary time. I just hope I don't go back to that place right now because I don't know how much more I can take of feeling like this.
It's hard but I know I can make it out the other end with a few bruises.
Lot's of Love, Rebecca
Howdy folks!
As mentioned in my last blog post, we are now the proud owners of a gorgeous goldendoodle called Tilly. Tilly is not even 4 months old yet but is already HUGE!
It's completely crazy how much I already love her and cannot wait to watch her grow more. Watching her explore and discover new things is the most adorable part of my day by far. So here's a little list of things I've learnt since Tilly has been in our lives.
Wee wee's outside are something to be praised - yes I said wee wee's but when you are a new puppy owner every wee outside is a huge achievement that they haven't had an accident in the house, Sometimes you even find yourself discussing it with other dog owners.
Poo is not really that gross - in the past 6 weeks I have done my fair share of poop scooping and to be quite fair, yest it is very stinky but it's not something that bothers me much anymore because she's my baby and I'd do anything for her.
Every dog owner insists their dog has a voice - sometimes you will find yourself communicating through your dog instead of yourself. It gets mildly stranger when people respond to "the dog".
Your puppy will be more popular on the internet than yourself - Setting up your new puppy it's own instagram account is hard to resist but be warned that they will get far more likes on their photos than you can ever dream about!
It's hard to resist dressing your dog up - people can be extremely against dressing dogs up until they have a puppy and just the thought about their dog in a santa costume is enough to push them over the edge. Needless to say the Braybrook Family Christmas picture is going to look adorable this year!
Hi there folks, so they year is quickly coming to a close and it's another chapter to add to our stories and I thought I'd look over all the things that have happened to me over this year. I think I might try and do this month by month but I'm not quite sure if I'm going to be able to review my year like this...
January:
After months of feeling extremely depressed, my medication had been changed in December and I finally begun to feel the benefits of the new medication and started to feel a little bit more like myself. I also:
The Rebecca Braybrook Show hit its four month anniversary and started being broadcast online. My mum was my first online listener and it made her cry!
I had my first kiss: don't really want to cover this one too much but it happened.
I did my charity interview for the year with the lovely Anthony King from Southend and Essex Mind in the hopes to raise some awareness for mental health issues.
I had a Starbucks date with my college class and although it scared the hell out of me, I did it.
Got mistaken as a Radio 1 presenter! (Need I say more?!?!)
February:
Kicked off The Will and Becky Show on HRC
Cried with pride at Hudson Taylor being track of the day on Radio 1
Cried with pride at Bastille winning a Brit award
Became obsessed with the GB Men's curling team
Nearly went to a big party in London that Bastille were due to attend
March:
I interviewed NASA on air (FLIPPING NASA!!!)
Got super poorly again and spent quite a few mondays going on long walks with mum
The side of my head got into the local newspaper (I'm very good at hiding in photos)
Surprised the family by knowing all the words to Frozen before the DVD was released
April:
Attended my first ever quiz night for Chelmsford Community Radio and won the wooden spoons with The Strongest Linkers!
Had a lovely meal with the family for the parents anniversary:
May:
My coursework film went live and it was like a huge weight had been lifted off of my shoulders:
I did the Great Baddow Fun Run with Hospital Radio Chelmsford for the second time and did my first ever outside broadcast interviews
Had another lovely day with the family resulting in another YouTube video:
June:
My baby sister turned 10!
After having a tough few months I was rewarded with a trip to see One Direction
I finished the toughest 3 years of my life by completing college and was rewarded with the curriculum award for overcoming adversity:
I got to see my favourite book adapted into a movie and it did not disappoint! Love you TFIOS!
Spent my first weekend home alone (and didn't die)
July:
We watched the Tour De France come through our local area with my family and gorgeous bonus family
Greg James (my radio love) finally noticed me twice and horrifically pronounced my surname
Made Cheesecake for the first time ever (I WILL LIVE ON CHEESECAKE ONE DAY!)
Had a spontaneous beach trip with my daddy and it was lovely to spend one on one time with him just watching the boats go by
My pride and joy (my gorgeous cat jumper) arrived!
August:
Murdered several people for their ice bucket challenge nominations
Achieved 3 C's for my A-Levels
Spent a day with my gorgeous HRC family fundraising by blowing up over 800 balloons and racing them
Got discharged from Cognitive Behavioral Therapy
Got to got to the V Festival and saw the amazing Bastille and faced my fear of large crowds head first!
Turned 19 and was surprised with the best day ever with a trip to my dream workplace the BBC!
Did my second ever camping trip, got food poisoning and refuse to go camping again.
September:
My baby sister (in-law) and I celebrated our 1 year sister-versary!
Went on my first night out for the HRC Gala Dinner and felt like a total princess:
October:
MORE TWIN PEAKS WAS ANNOUNCED
My interview with MIND went live:
Met our new puppy for the first time!
The Rebecca Braybrook Show reached it's first birthday!
1989 by Taylor Swift - need I say more on this one?!?!
Spent Halloween at Disney and did some filming of our trip:
November:
Tilly the GoldenDoodle joined the Braybrook Family:
Found THE UNI!
Spent a lovely evening with my radio family
December:
Loved spending my days with my 3 month old puppy
Went back to college and got to see my lovely teacher
Spent a christmasy day with the family seeing Father Christmas and his Reindeer!
Spent a day with more of my radio family fundraising and spreading christmas cheer!
Made some brave jumps into things
Sent of my application for university
Applied for an internship at Capital FM
Although this year has had it's ups and downs I have achieved so so much this year and I cannot believe all that has happened. Thank you all for reading and your constant support! Lot's of Love,
Hi Folks,
As you may or may not know I do an hour on Hospital Radio Chelmsford that I call 'Indie Hour' which features some up and coming indie musicians and singer/songwriters that need just a little bit of play time on the station each week. I thought I would share my favourite 5 this month with you and maybe try and do this every month (I won't promise because I am USELESS at regular blogging). These musicians are not rated with no.1 being my most favourite as I'm extremely indecisive and could NEVER pick between musicians. So let me introduce you to some gorgeous music:
1. George Ezra
Firstly I do need to say that I have developed a bit of a thing for George over the last few weeks but that is completely unimportant...maybe. I found George after the release of his album Wanted On Voyage in June 2014 when his song Budapest exploded onto our radio devices. It's crazy to see how far George has come in such a short period of time. In June 2013, George played the BBC Introducing stage at Glastonbury festival, since then he has gone on to play bigger stages at festivals across the country.
After hearing Budapest 8 million times I was determined that I had to see him live and was lucky enough to see him at V Festival this year, and he was just as wonderful live as he is recorded. It's still a little hard to believe that he's only 21 years old! George has a gorgeous deep comforting voice that at first I was a bit shocked by and not really sure if I liked but after listening to Budapest a few more times (believe it or not), I was won over by that beautiful voice of his. I dragged my poor mum and younger brother to see George with me at V and needless to say they pretty much now love him too!
So I thought long and hard about which song I should put a link too here and I've decided on this one:
I have really only just discovered this music video and I think it is possibly the most adorable thing I have seen. Firstly: SIR IAN MCKELLEN (need I say more?) Secondly: The end part of the video is just so CUTE (no spoilers, you have go watch it). George has an incredibly unique voice and I cannot wait to see where he goes over the next year! LOVE YOU GEORGE (Shut up fangirl Becky!!!)
You can find the rest of George Ezra's music HERE!
2. Hudson Taylor
Should I say that I love these boys too or does that look a little strange??? To be fair these boys have been my loves since I was fifteen years old and are still going strong in my heart. These two are a little irish duo called Hudson Taylor, formerly Harry and Alfie (Harry on the left and Alfie on the right). Before I address they're incredible singing, I need to ask how they have a wikipedia page that I didn't know about?!?! Listening to these boys (and knowing them for a while) has given me a very motherly pride over them (regardless of the fact that they are both older than me).
I cried when the boys were on BBC Three at Reading and Leads because I was slightly proud of these two, it wasn't made any easier when Greg James stated that Bastille had done the same a few years previous and now look where they are! These two have a folky-pop sound that I just can't get enough of and I can't help but squeal a little when they are played on Radio 1 every now and again. Now to attempt the task of picking my favourite song to display for you, this one is rather tricky:
I did it, it took me half an hour but I chose the boys latest single Chasing Rubies, this song has been a favourite of mine for a while but the official recorded version is incredible! These two are just amazing and their recorded songs do not do them justice to just how gorgeous they sound live (yes I've seen these two perform as well and it was magical). There's not much more praise I can give these boys so I'll leave this bit with how amazing Harry is at hugs (are you jealous???).
I hadn't actually seen a picture of Hozier until I just looked him up to find one and woah, that is all I will say. So i've just done my research on him and he is 24 years old and from Bray, County Wicklow in Ireland. I recently discovered this man whilst I was doing my planning for 'Indie Hour' and I fell in love with the voice that I heard. He's recently become rather well known with his song Take Me To Church which reached no.5 in the official uk charts and I believe got to no.1 on the singer/songwriter charts on iTunes (important too!)
Andrew Hozier-Byrne (his full name) is currently nominated for a Grammy, which is just crazy! Also before you ask, no I have not seen Hozier live (YET!). I've gradually been listening to more and more of Hozier's music over the past few weeks when I decided there's only so many times I can play Take Me To Church on my radio show before I have to play something else. I have recently fallen in love with the song Someone New and thought I would share that one with you all:
It has that gorgeously upbeat singer/songwriter style that I love and was completely unique to what I had previously heard from Hozier. Things are just starting to take off for him as well as he has recently performed for Saturday Night Live and Ellen and even performed at The Victoria Secret Fashion Show this year alongside the likes of Taylor Swift, Ed Sheeran and Ariana Grande.
I discovered James when he was played on the Michalak Family Videos and instantly was shocked by his wonderful voice. His voice is beautifully soft and calming and I really could spend hours and hours listening to him. He was added to the BBC Introducing playlist in August 2014 and since has had so much recognition. I have also just seen that he has a new album coming in March 2015. I'm actually listening to him whilst typing this and his has been the only one where I have gotten distracted and had to have a bit of a sing along with him.
James is also only 24 and only at the start of his career with his first EP only being released last year. James Bay has also just been awarded this years Critics Choice 2015 by the Brit Awards panel, and I can see why. He has just the most gorgeous voice that is one of those that you can plug in your headphones too and just submerse yourself in his music. I decided to go with his song Hold Back The River:
I have to refrain from playing this song on a constant when I am on the radio because I just love it so much. Weirdly this song just makes me want to give him a big cuddle, I don't know why, maybe it makes good cuddling music??? James is another musician that I am excited to watch grow over the next year!
Another unique voice for you from the lovely Ben Howard. He's the oldest of our bunch, being the ripe old age of just 27 (WOAH!). I've been listening to Ben for about 3-4 years now and love his voice so much. I first heard Only Love, which at the time was played so much on radio and was a little unsure whether or not I actually liked him but then I discovered Keep Your Head Up which was one of those confidence boosting songs that had me walking to college every morning like I was some sort of super-hero/ rockstar hybrid.
Ben took home last years Brit Awards for Best Breakthrough Artist and Best Solo Male artist and also played on the Pyramid stage at Glastonbury! Ben is my go to indie artist when I want to snuggle up and feel all cosy with a nice mug of tea, his voice just fits that so beautifully. I'm going to go with his latest song:
This is I Forget Where We Were from his album of the same name and I am obsessed with playing this song on my show on a monday. We finally have it on our computer system too which makes me incredibly happy that I don't have to worry about the internet going down before I can play this to my listeners.
Howdy Folks! Hope you're doing well? A while ago I wrote a blog post about finding "the one" in regards to university and I promised I would talk about my anxieties that I have had when considering college. Some of these were recently reiterated with me and it's caused me to start thinking about them again, which has made the past few days a real struggle with my mental health. Now I think it's time to construct them out in in a little blog post...
1. Is This A Good Idea? - Of course the first thing that I'm sure everyone worries about is whether or not uni is a good choice. My main concern with uni is that they don't do a radio course in a distance where I could travel home every day. I HAVE TO MOVE TO UNI, which is a little scary when you've had previous suicidal tendencies. My two uni options are both 3-5 hours away from home and I know that's not too far away but that will still be the furthest I have ever been from my family for more than day!
2. Will I Fit In? - this sounds like a completely ridiculous one I know. But before going to college for the last few years I was homeschooled. Even at college I wasn't the most social butterfly out there, I pretty much liked to keep myself to myself and never really felt like I "fit in". It's hard for me because I missed valuable socialisation skills that you learn between 12-16 and I feel like it can be harder for me to feel comfortable with the people around me, without having excessive paranoid thoughts.
3. My Room - it sounds like a pathetic thing to worry about and I'm not even stressing about my uni accommodation. What is stressing me out however is the thought of leaving my own room and the 4 (technically 5 but whatever) walls that have been my haven of safety for the past 10 years. I don't deal with change very well and is one of the symptoms of the various mental health issues that I suffer with and the thought of leaving my own room, my safety blanket and the surroundings I know makes me honestly want to throw up with fear. What scares me is the thought of it no longer being my room and having to make not only the change of moving away but the change when I return home and I don't have familiarity.
I live in a 4(-ish) bedroom house that is shared between six of us. My brothers currently share and when I move away it would only seem fair to let someone take over this space as theirs. But (and this sounds very selfish), the thought of not only my life changing but my safety changing too is breaking me slowly. I've been desperately trying to figure out ways that someone can take my room whilst I'm away but also let me have the feeling of safety that this room and these surroundings give me when I come home for holidays and return after uni. It's not that I don't want someone moving into my room but I just hate the thought of having to move my life out of these walls and out of the place where I have come so many times to escape the horrible realities of life.
4. The Imminent Breakdown - As mentioned before I was severe mental health issues which cause me to have random suicidal breakdowns. I know that I'll be able to get help at uni but I feel so terrified to be so far away from my parents (my only option if I want to study radio production) and their reassuring cuddles when I need them. Most 19 year olds are more than happy to ditch their parents but I still need mine so much when I get so poorly that even the thought of them being 5 hours away is making me cry just sitting here typing away. It's more than likely I will have several breakdowns in my first year of uni and trying to get through it without a cuddle from my mum when I need her is going to be the most difficult thing that I will have to face.
5. Don't Forget About Me - This sounds completely irrational and stupid but has been one of the anxieties that has been lingering on my brain. I am TERRIFIED of my family moving on with their lives without me. Being homeschooled and around my family most hours of the days means that we are so close and I know what is happening with everyone to a certain degree (teenage boys apparently don't really talk to their big sisters) and not being able to see life changing and growing for my younger siblings is something I am finding very difficult to think about right now. I don't want to be forgotten in a mess of life and just stood on the side watching everyone move forward. It seems so stupid but I worry that my radio team will just forget about me over time when I haven't returned for a while and I will lose my family bond with them as well. It sounds so stupid but I can't shake the anxiety.
It's such a scary process to be going through but I am determined to prove to myself that I CAN do university!
