The odd down patch is to be expected when you're on medication for depression but this week has been one of the worst I have had in a long time. Weirdly I have not felt suicidal and that my family would be better off without me, but I have been feeling like I just want to curl away under my duvet and disappear, a thought that has been so regular that it's been the only thing that has really helped me to go to sleep recently. The thought of me being completely invisible to the outside world and staying tucked away safely in my bed away from any danger, including my own brain.
It's really quite strange when I feel depressed because for the rest of the time you probably wouldn't even realise that I have depression. I'm a bright and bubbly person on the outside but when I feel low it's hard to even crack a smile. To be fair to myself it's been a difficult few months, I've been stuck at home after finishing college with no real stable friendships, with people my own age that I see regularly enough to be classed as socialising and my life isn't going anywhere right now. I have a gap year between uni and college and it's been so hard to find a job, especially when the anxiety and panic attacks are trying to talk you out of it.
It's been a really difficult week because I haven't felt this low is such a long time that I've sort of forgotten how I "cope" with it. I've pretty much not gotten out of bed when I've felt like I couldn't and although I've gone out a couple of times, those trips have been filled with panic attacks and anxiety. I don't normally get anxiety when we go to places that I am used too but this week I had such terrible panic attacks on the bus and thought I was going to be sick multiple times on trips to town, which normally never happens.
My brain feels like it's slowly turning against me. When I start to feel depressed I get pressure in my brain as though it is expanding and pushing against the sides of my skull. It's rather painful and has been there for nearly a week now, sometimes I wish my ear was the end of a balloon and you could open it up and let the pressure out, but no I'm still stuck with a brain that feels like it's going to explode and is to heavy to even want to hold up at some points.
I've just wanted to cry and have spent most nights since tuesday just crying myself to sleep, which might sound over dramatic to some people but being depressed hurts so much that it's sometimes the only way to let it out. My brain also likes to play tricks on me, when I get very poorly I begin to start seeing and hearing things, which makes me feel like I'm completely losing all self control. It's terrifying to be standing in the shower watching the door wobble around, even though you know that it's not really happening.
The voices in my head haven't started yet though which is something I can be grateful for but seeing things is not really that pleasant either. I remember when I was really sick and I went out a couple of times at night with the family and thinking I could see shadowed people standing on the paths and it was such a scary time. I just hope I don't go back to that place right now because I don't know how much more I can take of feeling like this.
It's hard but I know I can make it out the other end with a few bruises.
Lot's of Love,
Rebecca
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