Howdy Folks! Hope you're doing well? A while ago I wrote a blog post about finding "the one" in regards to university and I promised I would talk about my anxieties that I have had when considering college. Some of these were recently reiterated with me and it's caused me to start thinking about them again, which has made the past few days a real struggle with my mental health. Now I think it's time to construct them out in in a little blog post...
1. Is This A Good Idea? - Of course the first thing that I'm sure everyone worries about is whether or not uni is a good choice. My main concern with uni is that they don't do a radio course in a distance where I could travel home every day. I HAVE TO MOVE TO UNI, which is a little scary when you've had previous suicidal tendencies. My two uni options are both 3-5 hours away from home and I know that's not too far away but that will still be the furthest I have ever been from my family for more than day!
2. Will I Fit In? - this sounds like a completely ridiculous one I know. But before going to college for the last few years I was homeschooled. Even at college I wasn't the most social butterfly out there, I pretty much liked to keep myself to myself and never really felt like I "fit in". It's hard for me because I missed valuable socialisation skills that you learn between 12-16 and I feel like it can be harder for me to feel comfortable with the people around me, without having excessive paranoid thoughts.
3. My Room - it sounds like a pathetic thing to worry about and I'm not even stressing about my uni accommodation. What is stressing me out however is the thought of leaving my own room and the 4 (technically 5 but whatever) walls that have been my haven of safety for the past 10 years. I don't deal with change very well and is one of the symptoms of the various mental health issues that I suffer with and the thought of leaving my own room, my safety blanket and the surroundings I know makes me honestly want to throw up with fear. What scares me is the thought of it no longer being my room and having to make not only the change of moving away but the change when I return home and I don't have familiarity.
I live in a 4(-ish) bedroom house that is shared between six of us. My brothers currently share and when I move away it would only seem fair to let someone take over this space as theirs. But (and this sounds very selfish), the thought of not only my life changing but my safety changing too is breaking me slowly. I've been desperately trying to figure out ways that someone can take my room whilst I'm away but also let me have the feeling of safety that this room and these surroundings give me when I come home for holidays and return after uni. It's not that I don't want someone moving into my room but I just hate the thought of having to move my life out of these walls and out of the place where I have come so many times to escape the horrible realities of life.
4. The Imminent Breakdown - As mentioned before I was severe mental health issues which cause me to have random suicidal breakdowns. I know that I'll be able to get help at uni but I feel so terrified to be so far away from my parents (my only option if I want to study radio production) and their reassuring cuddles when I need them. Most 19 year olds are more than happy to ditch their parents but I still need mine so much when I get so poorly that even the thought of them being 5 hours away is making me cry just sitting here typing away. It's more than likely I will have several breakdowns in my first year of uni and trying to get through it without a cuddle from my mum when I need her is going to be the most difficult thing that I will have to face.
5. Don't Forget About Me - This sounds completely irrational and stupid but has been one of the anxieties that has been lingering on my brain. I am TERRIFIED of my family moving on with their lives without me. Being homeschooled and around my family most hours of the days means that we are so close and I know what is happening with everyone to a certain degree (teenage boys apparently don't really talk to their big sisters) and not being able to see life changing and growing for my younger siblings is something I am finding very difficult to think about right now. I don't want to be forgotten in a mess of life and just stood on the side watching everyone move forward. It seems so stupid but I worry that my radio team will just forget about me over time when I haven't returned for a while and I will lose my family bond with them as well. It sounds so stupid but I can't shake the anxiety.
It's such a scary process to be going through but I am determined to prove to myself that I CAN do university!
Lots of Love,
Rebecca
xxx
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