A Life With My Brain

I try not to think about the long term aspect of my illness very much. It's especially hard to think about when I'm feeling low. At 19 years old people say "I have my whole life ahead of me" and in someways that is thrilling and exciting and I can't wait for the big adventure of it all. But in others I look at it in a cold and terrifying light.

I've been suffering with mental health issues for my whole life and yes I know to a degree how to "cope" and handle it all. But I try not to think about how my whole life is going to be dependent on medication just to keep me on a steady-ish path. My lowest of times can be extremely difficult and even looking back on them and thinking about my future terrifies me that I'm always going to have those times.

I was talking to mum earlier about how when my medication finally is the correct bunch that I can live my life fairly normally. But the thought of always never fully getting better is the scariest thing I face. I have a future ahead of me where ups and downs are going to be there. I'm always going to have these illnesses that mess with my life and that's never going to go away and I'm never going to get that chance to be a "normal" human being.

With my mental illnesses there is no glimmer of hope of a recovery. There's no chance that I'm miracle-y going to wake up one day and not have to go through all I do. At and 19 years old that is a really scary prospect to me. I'm so frightened that I'm not going to be able to live my life because I am caged in by the things that are holding me back and my continued dependency on medication just to get me out of bed in the morning and to go to sleep at night.

These thoughts can be pretty tough as it is but when you're extremely low and suicidal as it is, it's hard not to consider just giving up now instead of trying to fight it for the rest of my life. I look at it all and think that it might be easier just to surrender now and not have to live with this for the rest of my life. I'm not happy and I live a life in constant fear of everything going on in my brain. For the rest of my life I will have to live with a brain that is always against me and that is some very difficult information to swallow.

Rebecca
xxx