This is a long time over due and in some ways writing a letter to a dead person feels like a little bit of a weird thing to do. But I wanted to do it anyway, regardless of the fact you will never read this. I think about you and your death a lot, probably more than what's considered normal but every now and again you will stumble your way back into my mind and it makes me sad that our world is no longer graced with your presence.
I grew up watching your films as a child and still hold the memories very close to my heart. Admittedly I don't really think we have much in common but the one thing we do is the one thing that killed you. It's hard to think that depression was the reason you are no longer with us because you were such a funny man who clearly hid his pain so well. I know how hard it is to mask that depression and some times that makes me realise how strong we both were and are during these times. It's not easy to pretend to be happy, to hide our pain and suffering from people so that they never had to know.
The stigma surrounding our illness is a terrible one. In a way it's quite like quicksand, once you start reading it you begin to get sucked in until you feel trapped with all the thoughts from other people who tell you that you are "crazy" or a "psychopath" and that we are all just one big inconvenience to the rest of the world. And once those seeds have been planted into our brains it's hard to differentiate between the weeds and the flowers.
I hate thinking about how you died because it makes me extremely sad to think about a man loved by so many for his happiness and humor to have suffered in the way that you did. I know the level of depression it takes to feel suicidal. I know how scary that is and how difficult it is to imagine ever being able to escape from the dark hole that you are trapped in. I could not even begin to imagine how that last push of depression feels to actually take your own life.
I'm so very sorry that you didn't feel as though you had anyone around that you could talk to and anybody to confide in and seek help. I am so sorry that the world we live in made you feel that way, because the stigma of a grown man asking for help with mental health problems gets you laughed at and belittled because of the illness. We horribly live in a world where only 17% of men feel brave enough to speak about what they are going through because of that stigma. In England men are more than three times more likely than women to commit suicide which is a scary statistic.
I sometimes don't understand why the world has such negative views on mental health and that there is so much stigma surrounding our illness. I hate that at 19 years old I already know that I am going to live a life where people treat me differently because of my mental illnesses and that I will continue to see the stigma for the rest of my life. I don't understand the stigma because, you know as much as I do that we are "normal" people too, that we can function like everyone else, it's just that sometimes we just need a little extra care and support. I don't understand why people have such horrible views on our illness and I think it's all down to the past when people were considered psychotic and were treated horribly for their illness. For generations that stigma was passed down and I want to see a world where that stigma is broken, which will take so much work but I am determined to see it done.
I think a lot about your final moments, the extreme feelings that you were having and the fact that you thought the world would be better without you. I have had times where I have sat and cried just thinking about that because I know how terrible you must have been feeling and how terrifying those feelings actually are. I've come close to suicide more times than I would like to admit and as weird as it sounds I think you were incredibly brave to make that final move. It's not an easy move to make and it takes extreme bravery to actually do it.
It's been a while since you passed away and although we still live in a world with so much stigma surrounding mental health issues, your death did incredibly in raising awareness for depression. Many people begun to take the illness seriously and realised that we aren't completely crazy. People were moved by our death because you had touched so many hearts in this world. I want to thank you for all the times that you have made me smile and laugh and I also want to thank you for the awareness you brought to depression. It was a shame that it took the loss of such a great man to have it taken seriously but it is changing the world, slowly but surely.
Lots of Love,
Rebecca
xxx
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