I didn't know if I wanted to write this but I decided that it might help someone out there realise they are not alone. So I've been started on new meds called quetiapine and it's been intensifying a lot of my mental health symptoms and bringing on some of the rare ones that I don't see that often. Somethings I say sound stupid and funny but when you are living with it they can be terrifying and before you read this I want you to know that as much as you want to maybe laugh at some of these symptoms, please consider having to experience it yourself and decide if it's still funny to you.
So as I said in my previous blog post I've been suffering with things like Paranoia, Panic Attacks and Anxiety and bad voices for the past month and all of these have been intensified with these meds so I'm feeling them so much more extremely than before. I've also been having bad suicidal thoughts and at the beginning of the week was terrified to leave my room because I couldn't trust myself to not do it and ended up not leaving the house by myself until Friday. It begun to get extremely bad on Friday evening when we went into town and I stood 8 floors up in a multi story car park, looking down at the pavement below. It was a weird battle that I had with myself as I stood there because that was the most ready to do it I have ever been.
Before the thoughts of my family and my own willpower and fear of death had stopped me from going through with it, but as I stood there looking down at the world continuing on without me I internally battled with myself about whether or not I was going to do it. I knew my mum and sister would be walking past a couple of minutes later and for the first time ever that didn't bother me and I wasn't worried about it (which I feel so guilty for saying). The thing that did stop me doing it was the fact my dad kept talking to me, he didn't know what I was going through in my mind but he didn't stop to the point where it was frustrating me and I was thinking 'I wish he'd be quite so I could do this'. I hate that even still now I regret that I didn't do it and my brain is still telling me that my family would be better off without me around.
Another side affect to these new meds is that I have NO control on what I am saying or doing. It's like looking after a small child that won't do what it's told and it is really hard work to deal with and so upsetting when you say and do things that you would otherwise not do but you can't stop it happening. I'm starting to gain control of my speech back a little but it's been really difficult having all my thoughts just pouring straight out of my mouth and even things that I don't want to say. It's been like that horrible voice in my head has been controlling my speech and it has said things that I really didn't mean or want to say. It's been so devastating.
I've also been hallucinating and hearing things a lot this week. It started probably on Tuesday when I was trying to go to sleep and I thought I could hear my mum desperately calling my name at me and it got so scary to the point where the paranoia had me thinking that I wasn't actually alive or awake and life was happening without me. I spent an hour or so hearing my mum sort of screaming my name at me and I was convinced I was in a coma and they were trying to wake me up and it was so so scary and even now I am dealing with the paranoia that is trying to tell me that this is all not real.
With the hallucinations I've been seeing things that haven't been there, from things like spiders to being convinced the dog was talking to me. It might sound funny but when you are seeing things that aren't actually there but you think are it is incredibly terrifying. There's been so many times where I've closed my eyes really tight hoping that I would wake up from a horrible dream. It's been so scary that my brain has had this control over me to the point where I thought things were happening and things where there that aren't actually. People who haven't ever experienced this I don't expect them to understand but it's so difficult trying to decide what is "real" and what isn't. I've been living double checking everything to see if it's actually there or it's just my brain playing tricks on me.
The paranoia has continued to grow and get worse this week. When I get super poorly I feel numb and it makes me think heavily about my emotions and I become paranoid that I don't actually know what emotions feel like and that all is numb constantly. I don't know if I truly know what love "feels" like because I can't think of a time where I have "felt" so full of love. Then I forget about how it feels to be happy and I become more and more paranoid that all I know is this numbness and I've never managed to feel "normal" emotions.
I've also had very little memory of the past week.I feel like all the bad mental health problems have stuck in there but anything else has just been thrown away and it is extremely terrifying to wake up and not remember what you did yesterday or what I was doing an hour ago. I can recall very very little of my week and that is so scary to me.
I'll maybe expand on this sooner or later but until then I hope you are all well.
Rebecca
xxx
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