From the Inside of The Depression Bubble.

I am depressed. I have depression. I'm not ashamed to admit it. But I need to talk about it, because I need a little bit of an outlet for a moment. It's not for attention, far from it, I just want people to understand what depression can be like. I like the "black dog" description that is used. That there is a huge dark monster stuck to your back, following you wherever you are going, holding you back from anything and everything you want to or are trying to do.


I've been trapped in a bubble for a few days where I am stuck at the bottom of this rubbish pit and can't pull myself out. The world is existing with everyone living their lives and I am stuck in that fish bowl, watching the world continue on with out a lot of control on what is happening. It is like watching a film, but the film is the life and what is happening and I am stuck in the cinema, unable to escape and waiting for something to pull be back into reality.

Life doesn't feel real, I go through days thinking I am someone else and it can be hard to stay focused on who I actually am and to stay true to myself. I struggle to control what I do or say and it drives me nuts because I am saying things to people that I don't actually want to say. I behave in a way that I am ashamed of and I embarrass myself with my own actions. It's like having a child mis-behave in public and you are doing everything you can to try and control them and you are struggling and people are noticing the child but not seeing how much work is going in to trying to control the situation.

I feel empty. I can't remember what emotions feel like and I can't remember ever feeling emotion. I feel broken because I want to remember how things felt, I want to remember happiness and love and pride but I physically cannot remember what it felt to have those emotions. It's scary because not being able to remember feeling them makes you worry that you will never feel those emotions. I want to feel love and happiness and pride but I am scared my illness will stop me from ever feeling anything ever again. I begin to feel isolated and I can never understand why I want to push people away. I feel alone, even in the mental health community because your brain convinces you that you don't deserve the time that people want to give you. You are alone and your brain wants you to remain that way.

 My brain hurts. It feels as though my brain is pushing against my skull and the pressure is painful. I find this picture a really good way of showing what it feels like because your whole head feels like it has been filled with depression and sadness. I describe it to my mum as like having a cold when your head feels bunged up, it's that pressure in your skull with depression that can sometimes make you want to throw the towel in and give up but you know that you can't.


I hate that I am going to have these illnesses for the rest of my life and that I don't have a choice about that. I hate that I will always have these bad points that I can't control when they strike and what devastation they cause. I dread to think of a time when my meds stop working and where I will have to go from then. Being so young and having this illness makes the future so terrifying because with this illness you can't see that future, and if you can, it is covered in all the aspects of this illness that you hate.

Rebecca
xxx

Disappearance...

I've been gone for a little while and I planned to blog about my first year at university. Something I have clearly done when looking at my saved posts, that are half written and I can't quite remember where I was going with them. I'll look at them one day and figure out what was happening and what was going on. A lot of it is homesickness related but I have been doing the majority of my blogging work for the university. Which has been the reason I somewhat abandoned my own blog (I am so sorry).

Uni has been a great learning curve and a great experience. It's something I never thought I would achieve and to be sitting at the dining room table in my uni flat is still somewhat bizarre to me. I have been thrown completely out of my comfort zone and to say that I am almost at the end of my first year feels like one hell of an achievement. It's not been easy, I give it that, but I think that is what your first year is about. You get told all the time that everyone will be in the same boat and you brush it off, thinking how can anyone be as stressed as you are about the change, but they are right, you are all together in this next step.

My flat has changed incredibly since I started, we lost a few and gained some more and now it is the most welcoming and caring environment that I love coming "home" to every evening. I love this slightly new family that has been created and as the time moves on the more and more I want to be in the kitchen then hiding nervously in my room. I am accepted and loved for who I am by the people around me and that is the most wonderful feeling when you are so far away from home.

I have experienced so much. I've been out and experienced a somewhat normal uni life and instead of being completely overwhelmed it has been so fun. I love my lessons and being able to learn again has been so exciting. It's changed who I am but I am so happy that I decided to make the jump and to experience university instead of completely giving up on the idea all together. With all the rubbish I have to deal with, with my mental health I am so proud that I have achieved what has been such a huge achievement!

Rebecca
xxx

I'm Not Stupid...

Mental health services in the uk for young people are appalling. I've needed help from them since I was 17 years old and it's not been the easiest of journeys. I've fallen through the net of psychologists multiple times, I get forgotten and then not checked up on and god know what would have happened if I didn't have such a caring supportive safety net to fall on to. It shouldn't take me trying multiple different numbers just to get a hold of my psychologists because they have forgotten to see me for nearly a year, it should be them making sure that the patients that they look after are okay. 

It is ridiculous how much stigma still falls in the mental health services that I have dealt with. Gp's treat me like I don't have a clue what medication I have been taking for the past two years, tell me "don't take them all at once" jokingly after I've told them I've been feeling suicidal. They think they know how to handle mental health issues when really, I just feel like I'm being judged for the illnesses I have and being told my psychologist, who I have seen for years more then our 10 minute GP meeting has been giving me the wrong medication.

I get treated like I know nothing about the illnesses I have. That I chose to remain uneducated about the conditions that plague my every day life, when in fact for the first three months of my diagnosis, I was up until ridiculous hours each night learning as much as I can in the hopes that I could fix myself and get rid of this horrible extra baggage that I have to live with. 

I call a mental health service for help and get talked to as though I am a toddler who is still learning words. Just because I'm asking for an appointment at your service does not mean that you instantly assume that because of my mental health issues I am stupid. I am not stupid. Yes I may have multiple conditions to my name, but I can still understand you and what you are saying. You. Don't. Have. To. Talk. Like. This. 

My illnesses do not make me stupid. Yes sometimes, they may make it harder for me to make rational decisions or to control my thoughts but I have always been able to understand what you are saying to me. I understand a lot more about all of this then you would think, because for years this has been my life and I was determined to try and make myself better, the one thing I falsely hoped would work. 

I know I might ramble on the phone or panic and over explain things, but patience is key and when you are working in a mental health service you should understand that. Phone calls are not easy with a panic and anxiety disorder. You should see the amount of notes I have laid out in front of me, just so I can try and talk normally to you. It's not easy for me to do it but I wanted to be treated as normally as possible, not as though I understand nothing.

Don't judge people by their mental health issues, you never know what they are going through at any given moment.