From the Inside of The Depression Bubble.

I am depressed. I have depression. I'm not ashamed to admit it. But I need to talk about it, because I need a little bit of an outlet for a moment. It's not for attention, far from it, I just want people to understand what depression can be like. I like the "black dog" description that is used. That there is a huge dark monster stuck to your back, following you wherever you are going, holding you back from anything and everything you want to or are trying to do.


I've been trapped in a bubble for a few days where I am stuck at the bottom of this rubbish pit and can't pull myself out. The world is existing with everyone living their lives and I am stuck in that fish bowl, watching the world continue on with out a lot of control on what is happening. It is like watching a film, but the film is the life and what is happening and I am stuck in the cinema, unable to escape and waiting for something to pull be back into reality.

Life doesn't feel real, I go through days thinking I am someone else and it can be hard to stay focused on who I actually am and to stay true to myself. I struggle to control what I do or say and it drives me nuts because I am saying things to people that I don't actually want to say. I behave in a way that I am ashamed of and I embarrass myself with my own actions. It's like having a child mis-behave in public and you are doing everything you can to try and control them and you are struggling and people are noticing the child but not seeing how much work is going in to trying to control the situation.

I feel empty. I can't remember what emotions feel like and I can't remember ever feeling emotion. I feel broken because I want to remember how things felt, I want to remember happiness and love and pride but I physically cannot remember what it felt to have those emotions. It's scary because not being able to remember feeling them makes you worry that you will never feel those emotions. I want to feel love and happiness and pride but I am scared my illness will stop me from ever feeling anything ever again. I begin to feel isolated and I can never understand why I want to push people away. I feel alone, even in the mental health community because your brain convinces you that you don't deserve the time that people want to give you. You are alone and your brain wants you to remain that way.

 My brain hurts. It feels as though my brain is pushing against my skull and the pressure is painful. I find this picture a really good way of showing what it feels like because your whole head feels like it has been filled with depression and sadness. I describe it to my mum as like having a cold when your head feels bunged up, it's that pressure in your skull with depression that can sometimes make you want to throw the towel in and give up but you know that you can't.


I hate that I am going to have these illnesses for the rest of my life and that I don't have a choice about that. I hate that I will always have these bad points that I can't control when they strike and what devastation they cause. I dread to think of a time when my meds stop working and where I will have to go from then. Being so young and having this illness makes the future so terrifying because with this illness you can't see that future, and if you can, it is covered in all the aspects of this illness that you hate.

Rebecca
xxx