Dear Phoebe...

I've written a lot of letters in my time, very few addressed to you and I wanted to change that. We don't talk like we used to, as you get older (and hormonal, but you didn't read that!) it has become harder to interact without being shouted at, regardless of what I'm saying. Sometimes I miss that inner child that is starting to slowly seep away. I'm watching you grow and become a young lady and I feel some sort of nostalgia for the times of having a human who looked up to me and relied on me so much for so many things. Your independence scares me sometimes when I look at you. It feels like only yesterday that they were handing you to me for our first cuddle and I felt this overwhelming pride that you were my baby sister and I was going to get to be by your side for the rest of our lives.

There's a lot I wish I could say to you now without scaring you or hurting you. Life gets hard the older you get and although I plan of being there for you for as long as I can there's times where I think that might get cut short and the thought of leaving you on this planet stops me from making those stupid mistakes. I'm sorry that you haven't had the best of upbringings, that mum and dad spent so much time focusing on me that you and the boys were in some way shortchanged of their affections. I cannot begin to tell you how guilty I feel for the time that should have been yours that I ended up taking because I was hurting and poorly.

I don't talk very openly about my illness in front of you because I don't want you to realise how bad I get. I find myself talking almost in code so that you don't truly understand what I am saying about how I am feeling. I know you know I'm sick and I know you hear me crying more than I probably should. I hate myself for taking mum away from you when I need my safety net. I'm sorry that I rely so heavily on our parents to protect me in these times. I'm sorry for the way I behave in front of you, I know I have said and done things  that you most certainly shouldn't have seen or heard in your years but please know that I really cannot control it, and although I am making excuses I want you to know that it is extremely hard for me to behave "normally" on a day to day basis. It takes a lot of focus and strength for me to keep running.

I wish I sometimes could tell you what is happening in my brain in the hopes that you will understand but that is a privilege that not even the boys have quite reached yet. Just know that my brain doesn't work like a "normal person", that there are monsters inside of my head that are trapped and spend their time trying to fill my head with smoke and begin to slowly lose all focus of the reality and more time on the monsters inside my head. I hope that if you ever read this that I am still around to sit with you and drink tea and remind you that your life is okay.

I sometimes think about things I have learnt that might be able to help you. I never had the privilege of an older sibling and that advice and although our mum is the most incredible person in the world and will give you all the information you will ever need, I have some tips and advice that I want to give you.

1. You are Beautiful. - I don't feel like I really need to explain this much more but the way you view yourself will always be different to the way others view you. You view others in front of you whereas you only ever see a reflection of your appearance. To me you are the most beautiful person I know. Life isn't all about appearances but being happy in your skin is. 
2. Your Body is Your Body. - As you grow and things change you will begin to look at yourself with a whole new light. Every blemish, freckle, scar becomes visible to you and it's hard to pull yourself away from those. My biggest lesson ever is "Stretch Marks are okay and you don't have to be pregnant to get them". I knew I was going to get stretch marks when puberty happened but I wasn't really sure what to expect. I didn't realise I would get stretch marks on my boobs, I just thought they would appear on my thighs. For years I was embarrassed about them and wanted to hide them away, but even you know now how much I now love them. They are mine and they are a sign that my body is amazing and has adapted over time.
3. You are Unique.  - more days than not I have to be there to comfort you because girls haven't been the nicest to you. I wish I could make you see how your uniqueness makes you beautiful. You are funny and smart and can do far more than most children your age. When you get to my age you will realise that trying to fit in is boring and although people will try to tear you down, just remember that they are incredibly jealous of the fact that you are an incredible, talented person who has so much more going for her because you choose to stay true to yourself.
4. You are Loved. - there will be times when you don't feel like anyone loves you, that you are alone in this world and that this world is so much bigger than you are. But your family will always be here for you, I will always love you and you know that you will always be able to come to me when you need me.
5. Try Everything. - you are incredibly brave and strong and you aren't shy when it comes to giving things a go. I hope you never lose that trait because you will have the most exciting life if you want to have a go at everything in your life that you are faced with. Let's face it, you're probably going to be the one that travels the world and sees all the beautiful things because you aren't afraid to say Yes to everything. This makes me so proud of you and also very jealous of your bravery to give anything a try. This will take you far and let you experience incredible things...just be safe when you try bungee jumping or skydiving please!

Are will always love you and you will always be welcome to come to me with anything you need to talk to me about. I will always be here.

Love, 

Rebecca

xxx