The Dood

It's Tilly's 4th birthday and I wanted to write a little blog post about our gorgeous goldendoodle. If you know me personally, you know that I'm a little obsessed with 'The Dood' and I would literally do anything for our dog.

4 years ago we were surprised with a trip. My brothers, sister and I had no clue where we were going and so we were incredibly surprised when we arrived at a house with a small herd of goldendoodle puppies. It's taken us a LONG time to convince my dad to get a dog and so we were shocked that we were there to look for our puppy.  This tiny little ball of fluff came straight over, climbed on my lap, snuggled in and fell asleep straight away and I knew from THAT second that she was mine. What I didn't realise is how much that tiny little doodle was going to change my life and make me experience a love I never thought was possible.


4 years ago I was still super poorly, I was struggling badly with my mental health, I was continuously feeling low and rubbish and mixed with the anxiety of university on the horizon the year after, I wasn't myself. I don't think without Tilly I would have made it to university at all. Having this little puppy that I was with all day long, that relied of me to take her out and train her gave me something to work hard at and feel proud of. I became more confident and started talking to people who would stop us to talk about Tilly. The days begun to feel less like I was continuously fighting my depression and anxiety and instead I was happy and beginning to feel calm. I did however really struggle with separation anxiety when I had to leave her because she really helped me feel better and not having her close by would really stress me out. Even leaving her for an hour to go to the supermarket made me want to cry at the thought of leaving her.

Moving away to university was tough. I didn't have my sidekick next to me. My little safety blanket that would calm me down when I was anxious or come snuggle me when I was crying and depressed. I didn't know how I was going to cope and admittedly the first year and a half or university was extremely difficult. But I learnt that although she helped me in my recovery, I could now look after myself too. I went away to university feeling happier and calmer than I had done in years. It was difficult not having her there but I learnt the tips and tricks I need to now function on my own.

This dog is the best thing that happened to me in my recovery and I am so insanely grateful for such a wonderful dog. She is an amazingly smart, patient and sweet goldendoodle. She loves snuggles and being around her family. Tilly is amazing and we are so lucky to have such a fantastic dog. She's always there when you need a snuggle and has spent countless times just snuggling me whilst I cried. I love having her snuggled up at the end of my bed, snoring away as I get things done on my computer and the unconditional love that we share is unbreakable. I would do anything for my dog because she's truly remarkable.

Happy birthday doodles!

Birthdays

So my birthday is just around the corner and I wanted to write a little something about turning 23 that isn't a just reflection of the year. I've struggled with birthdays for a few years, ever since getting sick it's just been a reminder of what life could be like at my age. I've always spent the day comparing myself to others and feeling stuck and left behind. I'd invite people to hang out for my birthday and always end up alone. I'd get this overwhelming pang of loneliness that I wouldn't be able to shake. I'd feel miserable that my life wasn't like the birthdays I'd see splattered all over social media, with friends celebrating. In all honesty I was never grateful for the family that would surround me and pick up those pieces. I'm so grateful for my mum for always being there to remind me that I was never truly alone and her work on making my birthday as special as she could make it.

But this year I couldn't care less about comparing my life to other people's. I couldn't care less about the people I called friends that would let me down each year with different excuses on why they couldn't celebrate my birthday with me. I'm happy. I have everyone that I need to be happy. I have a fantastic, supportive family who have stuck by me every step of the way. They've been there through the good times and the worst of times and are always there to remind me how loved I am. This year I may not get to see my wonderful friends who I love so dearly but they are always there when I need them and I love that they are always by my side, even when they are 200 miles away. I have my amazing boyfriend joining me this year and I'm so excited to be able to spend my birthday with him.
I am happy. I don't need all the material things to make me happy because I have my people (and my dog) beside me and that's all that matters.

It's finally time to start looking at birthdays as an achievement of making it through another year despite the hurdles thrown at me. For celebrating the achievements and things that have happened over the year and looking at how much I have grown. I DID IT! I made it another year and it might have it's rocky moments but my mental health issues have not won and I refuse to let them win. 22 was a great year and I'm excited to see what 23 holds for me.

Chapter 22

It's been rather a long time since I did a life update. I thought as my 22nd year comes to an end it was time to do a little look back on all the amazing things that have happened this year. It's time for a catch up and a reflection on a load of awesome adventures!

1. I GRADUATED!!!

As of a month ago I became a graduate at The University of Salford with a First Class degree in BA Television and Radio. I thought I'd include a photo with the gang as I've spoken about them so much here on the blog. I'm so insanely proud of these humans and all we have achieved and I genuinely cannot wait to see where life takes everyone in the future. The last three years have been incredibly difficult and a lot of work but it is over and I am so insanely grateful for everyone who has helped me along the way, from these lovely faces, my wonderful parents, some amazing lecturers, super great friends (shoutout to Jas who put up with me throughout first year!). It's been a difficult journey that I never expected to see the end of and I'm so happy to have been able to prove to so many people that I can do it!

2. I HAVE A BOYFRIEND!

I had to write this one in as it's rather exciting! I feel like it's probably time to introduce you to Andrew, who you've already seen in all the group photos and things that I've shared about uni and my uni friends. I was kind of surprised that I'd not even mentioned it on the blog or talked about the fact that we went from being really good friends to DATING (!!!) in the last year. Andy was in my first ever class at The University of Salford and is normally a TV mastermind. HOWEVER, I don't know what compelled him to take one radio lecturer in second year but he did. So when I started at the university two years ago, I instantly knew that I would get on really well with him (admittedly I thought he was quite cute but we won't tell him that bit...). It then turns out after a year and a half of being really good friends that we actually both quite liked each other and had been quite oblivious to the fact that the other person felt the same. Andrew plucked up the courage to ask me out just before Christmas (three days after I had gone home for the holidays) and things are going really well! It's been really fun to watch our relationship change and grow and I am so insanely happy to have him a little closer by my side than before. We're also learning the unpleasantness of being in a long distance relationship but we're figuring it out as we go. I have never been happier and more comfortable and I am such a gross, sappy, in love mess!

3. MY DREAM CAME TRUE... KINDA

So I finished my degree knowing that within a week I'd be starting a work experience placement with BBC Radio 2. IT WAS A DREAM COME TRUE! If you'd asked me where I wanted to end up after I graduated that station would have been my answer. It was an interesting experience, one that involved seeing The Jacksons whisked away in a car to walking right into Tan France from Queer Eye in Reception and very awkwardly apologising. It was surreal to see some of my favourite radio presenters that I've worshiped for years walking past me and saying hi but it was also a huge knock to my graduation come down. You see it's now been 3 months since I left university and I've not had any other radio work since. It's made me feel a little like that was my peak and nothing else is going to ever appear but I'm trying my hardest to hold out some hope that my life isn't completely over yet.

4. I PASSED MY TEST!

I finally passed my driving test after about three / four years of learning how to drive. It took me a while to get started on lessons because I was so anxious and terrified of driving. It's been a lot of work getting me to a point where I felt in control and able to control my driving anxiety but I had a wonderful instructor who took her time and helped me get to a point where I was ready to take my test. It wasn't an easy time and my anxiety went crazy but I did it and I am so happy to have achieved this!

It's been a great year and it finally feels like things are starting to fall into place. I'm happy and although I don't have everything I want yet, things are getting there and I'm working on making sure that I get where I want to be. 22 was a great year and I'm excited to see what 23 holds for me.

Rebecca
xxx

Dear Grandad

Today marks the 10 year anniversary since my grandad passed away (FYI, I was not that little when it happened, but this is the only picture I have of the both of us). It's really bizarre how time has passed so slowly and so quickly since we lost him and I wanted to write a little about him on the blog, as 10 years without him is a lot.

I've not really ever discussed what it was like losing my grandad and some of my feelings about everything that happened and I feel ready to finally talk about what that time was like. I was 12 years old and had just been taken out of school the October before we lost him. Around Christmas time I remember being sat down and told that my Grandad was dying of cancer. This was the first death in our family and a moment I will always remember. I don't remember much of that evening afterwards and I don't even remember feeling particularly worried. We were told he was going to die but I never really understood what that truly meant because I'd not dealt with it before.

We lost my Grandad Ken really fast from finding out he was dying. We found out in December and by June he was seriously ill in hospital. I remember going and visiting him during the day with my parents because I was at home and I remember the view from his window. I don't think I knew that this was it, that we were going to lose him and I don't really know if my parents knew it either, but then I've never talked to them about it. My grandad died very suddenly and it shocked me because he seemed so well when I used to visit him. He came home for a weekend and I thought that maybe this was the road to him getting a little better, but looking back I think it was a chance for him to say his goodbyes. I remember the last time I saw him in the hospital and I refused to kiss him goodbye, I did not want to say goodbye to him and I never did. It kills me that I was being a stubborn kid and I never truly said goodbye to him.

I was with my other grandparents when I found out the news. I was called into their living room and my grandad sat me down and told me. I didn't know how to process what was going on and I remember I wasn't pushed to talk if I didn't want to. I went and shut myself in the office and cried for a while. This started a lot of anxiety in me and I find myself still struggling with the anxiety from time to time. It was like a lightbulb had been turned on and my eyes had been opened to the realities of life. I was terrified and didn't sleep for months. I didn't know what was going on but I just knew I wanted him back.

It's scary how fast these ten years have gone and how much has happened in that time. I'm ten years older and no longer a child but a fully grown human. These last 10 years have not been easy and it's weird that I will never seen my grandad again. It still doesn't feel real that he's gone but then it feels like a completely separate life time that he was here with us. It still hurts that he's missed so much and sometimes I hope there's something after we die so that he can see how far we've come.

Grandad, I miss you. Thank you for being a wonderful grandad.

Rebecca
xxx

I DID IT!

So I have some news...

I cannot believe it and I am stunned to have achieved what I set of to uni to achieve. I started this blog when I was looking around universities and trying to find somewhere to study. It wasn't an easy road and I shared my experiences with this blog over the last three years. From day one of my degree I wanted to leave with a First, I didn't finish secondary school because of bullying, I got average grades in my A-Levels because of mental health issues and I wanted to prove to myself that I could do it.

I'm one of those people who kicks themselves for not achieving the best grades that they can and I have worked so hard over the last three years to make sure that I was on the right track to finishing with the highest mark I could achieve. Dropping out of high school and missing so much of my education made me feel stupid and I begun to doubt myself. I didn't feel like I was smart enough to go to university and with the lower grades than expected in my A-Levels it just didn't seem possible.

It has been a rollercoaster of emotions and at points I didn't think I was ever going to complete this degree. At points I was ready to throw the towel in and if I hadn't transferred to The University of Salford there is no way I would be graduating this year! I did this to prove to not only myself but so many people that I could do it. At every step of my life someone has tried to put me down, told me I would never amount to anything and in turn made me want to work harder. So to those people, I thank you for giving me the drive to finish this degree and to nail it!

But it's not those people that deserve that thank you as much as my family. They have been there every step of the way and I couldn't have done it without them. My parents have been by my side in some mega dark times and always encouraged me to follow my dreams and do what I love. They have never given up on me and I honestly owe everything to their love and support over the last few years.

I need to give a special shoutout to an amazing woman who has also been a huge rock throughout the last three years of my life. She's always been a phone call away when I was stressed and upset and was instrumental in making sure that I was happy and supported throughout this degree. She's been my fairy godmother and I love her insanely for everything she has done for me.

A final shoutout is needed for the wonderful four humans who have made the last two years a crazy, funny rollercoaster. They were in my first class at the new university and took me in straight away. They helped me re-settle myself and have been by my side the whole way through this degree. They are a talented bunch and I have loved every second with them.

MY DEGREE IS OVER AND I DID IT!
The blog isn't going anywhere, but I want to say thank you for reading and following me over this journey over the last three years!

Rebecca
xxx

#StandUpToBullying Day

It's #StandUpToBullying day and I wanted to write a blog post and I wanted to talk about my experiences and show that is possible to work past the experiences you are going through. I was badly bullied for 4-5 years between the transition from primary school to high school. I was pushed over in the playground, called names and mentally torn down. I quickly became isolated and started to hate myself. At the age of 11 I became suicidal and remember thinking about different ways to end my life, but was always put off at the thought of my family having to find me and what that would then do to my younger siblings.

Sunday nights and the mornings before school were hell as I battled the anxiety and how ill that was making me. I felt super poorly every morning and would try and work out ways to not go to school because I couldn't face what was going to happen to me at school every day. I would spend hours in my room just crying and struggled to sleep with the fear of school. I never felt like I was being listened to by the teachers at school and was constantly told that the main bully was only picking on me because he liked me. I felt like the teachers were trivialising the mental damage being done as a playground crush. I felt like I was just becoming a joke to everyone and didn't fit in anywhere. I remember at one point being sat down in an empty classroom and asked to write a list of all the names I was being called. The teacher pushed me to come out with a long list and I remember getting upset because that wasn't the worst part of the bullying, it was the bits around the name calling that was traumatic, the things he was saying to me about my personality and my appearance.

I was constantly made to feel like I was lying and making things up, which is something I still struggle with ten years later. These things were happening to me daily and yet I felt like a joke amongst the teaching staff and the adults at school that should have been responsible for helping me. Teachers would refuse to let me go to the nurse when I felt poorly and even the nurse begun to talk down to me when I was being asked to be sent home. The main bully was never punished for what he did and when he was excluded for a couple of days he would celebrate that he had extra days to play on his video games. In fact I was the one that was punished, I was put into isolation rooms to "help me" and made to sit through hours alone without any school work. A couple of months into Year 8 (age 12), the bully threatened to kill me with a weapon he brought into school, nobody searched him that day and several days later when they did search him, they of course found nothing. This was the last straw for my parents and took me out of school to keep me safe, both from him and because mentally I was getting worse and rapidly becoming more suicidal.

I then spent the following four years being homeschooled and became more and more isolated. I watched lots of people from school fade away and started to feel like I was missing out on "normal" life. I rarely left the house and I found it hard to talk to people my age. I spent years struggling with feeling like I was not normal, that I didn't know how to communicate with people my own age. When I started college, I really struggled to fit in and didn't know how to talk to people my own age. I then started to get bullied at college and yet again found that teachers didn't know how to deal with what was happening and found that I became a joke with my peers. As the years progressed, I moved to a different class and the bully was excluded. Although my mental health got worse, I decided to go to university. This was the best decision I ever made and I finally found myself and people who would support me, instead of tearing me down.

University saved me, it showed me that I can be myself and that people would still care. I found somewhere where I fit in and made friends who love me for who I am and in a month, I am graduating from a course that I've loved.  I'm happy and although sometimes I still have wobbles, I've come a long way from what happened to me 10 years ago. I'm still here and I'm so grateful for my parents for helping me through the darkest of times. I wouldn't be here if it wasn't from them and their love and support over the years. It is possible to get past bullying and it's important to remember that this is never your fault. Find a good support network, someone you can talk to and know that you are never alone. Time makes things easier and although sometimes these things can still haunt you, it is possible to get past what has happened. It's important to keep pushing forward and know that you can get through this.

If you would like any help and someone to talk to about your experiences then The National Bullying Helpline is really helpful: http://nationalbullyinghelpline.co.uk/

Thank you for reading,
Rebecca
xxx

To 'The Dream Team'

This is going to be a sappy post, I have to admit this now. I'm approaching the end of my degree and it's emotional. The last three years have been flooded with memories and wonderful experiences and will always be something I cherish. ANYWAY, as you may or may not know, last year after spending first year at Staffordshire University, I travelled back for second year. I spent 5 days on campus before I was invited to The University of Salford to "look around", what I didn't know is that I would get offered a place then and there. The lecturer told me I had a week to make the decision but within 5 minutes of leaving the building and being sat on the grass outside in a deck chair (a place I'd come back to frequent regularly), I knew that it would be STUPID of me to pass up such an incredible opportunity. So 5 days after moving back to Stoke, I packed up and moved back home for 2 weeks before starting at The University of Salford and I haven't looked back since, it's been a whirlwind.

So you're now caught up and this is where the actual blog post begins...(sorry). On my first day at this university, I met these wonderful faces ------------------------------>
I knew from the second they walked into the classroom that I wanted to be friends with them. They were funny and chatty and super friendly and suddenly the sheer terror of being the new kid melted away. I found my people. A group of likeminded, talented people who I now love so dearly that the thought of leaving them next month is just as painful as leaving the dog and the family every semester. These 4 gorgeous people have been there through everything, they looked after me when I didn't know anyone, had no clue where I was 98% of the time and only just about managed to get from my flat to the bus stop to the uni and then back to the flat again.

They invited me out and took me to places that I wouldn't have been brave enough to visit alone. They brought me out of my shell and showed me that my anxiety doesn't have to make me a hermit in the flat. They've been insanely patient with my brain and never gave up on me, something that I cannot even begin to express the gratitude for. Coming from being homeschooled, I've never really had a lot of friends and if you asked me to name friends before these 4, I would be able to name 3 really close people in my life. I've laughed more than I  have done in years with this gorgeous bunch of humans and I've finally started to feel like I'm finally living instead of being a prisoner of my mental health issues.

They don't care that I have these things "wrong" with me, they love me regardless and are insanely understanding and patient with me. When I'm poorly I know I can go to them and they will be there to sit and listen and help me rebuild and fix things. They've given me a new-found confidence and I now feel like I can do anything with these 4 beside me. I cannot wait to see where these 4 head in life and I know that we will always be there to support each other. I am so extremely grateful for these human beings and all of the support, kindness and friendship they have shown me over the last two years, they are my humans and I love them insanely.

For years I thought that I would be stuck living a life where people would come in and out of my life, fading away when they got bored of my brain being sucky. But I know with these 4 that this is so different. I went from being an anxious human being who would always say no to invites to go and do things to now being the one arranging places to go and time to spend together. I couldn't have done my degree without these 4 and I feel super lucky that they are mine.

Thank you gang, I love you!
Rebecca
xxx

The Final Hurdle

So I've found myself on the final 3 weeks of my degree. 3 WEEKS LEFT OF MY DEGREE! It's utterly terrifying and exciting all in one. I wanted to write a blog post because I started writing on here when I was first looking at universities and trying to decide where I wanted to be. It's been a tough, long journey to get to this point and I wanted to talk about it a little.

You see, I didn't want to go to university to begin with, I swore off it before I even made it to college. I was being homeschooled and the thought of being away from home sent a true anxiety fear coursing through my body. So a couple of years later when we started to look around universities I ended up getting fully sick. My brain gave up and couldn't handle the stress and the anxiety of it and that's when I first properly got mega poorly. It was terrifying and I thought that if even looking around universities made me this poorly, I could never go because how much worse could I get?

A couple of years later I stabilised a little and mum and I spent most weekends from September to November travelling across the country in search of a good university. I had panic attacks in lecture halls and I cried on the car journeys. I was terrified. Paralisingly terrified of what the future held. I talked a little on my blog about my experiences. How everyone talked about finding 'The One' and how I never really felt like I had done until I did. My first choice of university let me down when the course leader was horrible and I ended up settling for my second choice, which seems so stupid now because I loved my time there for a little while. I picked my uni because of a lecturer who made me feel happy and safe and I knew would help encourage me and support me through my degree.

I never thought I was going to make it to uni, I think I signed up not really knowing that I would have to in fact actually go once I'd accepted my place. I think I just sat and tried to pretend it wasn't happening. But I went, I was scared but I did it anyway. First year was just what I needed to settle me in. I made friends, I started to feel comfortable being away from home and I was happy. I loved my time at the university, but when the course started to deteriorate, I couldn't handle it anymore. I didn't love it anymore, I dreaded going back for second year and was horribly unhappy when I made it back after the summer.

So I got invited to come and look around the new university 5 days after I had gone back for my second year. Then when they offered me a place that day, I thought it would be completely stupid not to take it. The course looked engaging and I actually felt like I'd be pushed instead of coasting along on things that felt easy to me. So we drove the hour back to the old uni, moved me back out of my accomodation and back home for a couple of weeks.

I was nervous. I mean, who wouldn't be? Completely starting a-fresh in second year with people who already knew each other and had made friends over first year. I was super nervous. I had my first class with the above mentioned lovely lecturer who also came along to the new uni so I didn't feel as stressed as I could have been. I made friends who are still by my side and I am happy. I can't believe that I am on the final hurdle to finishing my degree. I never thought I was going to even make it to uni let alone be finishing my degree. We've done it and I can't get my head round that I've done it. I feel like a whole new person, I've been pushed out of my comfort zone and I've come out the other side feeling like I can take on the world.  Uni was the best thing I could have ever done for myself and I'm so excited to see what the future holds.

Rebecca
xxx

Dear Phoebe...

I've written a lot of letters in my time, very few addressed to you and I wanted to change that. We don't talk like we used to, as you get older (and hormonal, but you didn't read that!) it has become harder to interact without being shouted at, regardless of what I'm saying. Sometimes I miss that inner child that is starting to slowly seep away. I'm watching you grow and become a young lady and I feel some sort of nostalgia for the times of having a human who looked up to me and relied on me so much for so many things. Your independence scares me sometimes when I look at you. It feels like only yesterday that they were handing you to me for our first cuddle and I felt this overwhelming pride that you were my baby sister and I was going to get to be by your side for the rest of our lives.

There's a lot I wish I could say to you now without scaring you or hurting you. Life gets hard the older you get and although I plan of being there for you for as long as I can there's times where I think that might get cut short and the thought of leaving you on this planet stops me from making those stupid mistakes. I'm sorry that you haven't had the best of upbringings, that mum and dad spent so much time focusing on me that you and the boys were in some way shortchanged of their affections. I cannot begin to tell you how guilty I feel for the time that should have been yours that I ended up taking because I was hurting and poorly.

I don't talk very openly about my illness in front of you because I don't want you to realise how bad I get. I find myself talking almost in code so that you don't truly understand what I am saying about how I am feeling. I know you know I'm sick and I know you hear me crying more than I probably should. I hate myself for taking mum away from you when I need my safety net. I'm sorry that I rely so heavily on our parents to protect me in these times. I'm sorry for the way I behave in front of you, I know I have said and done things  that you most certainly shouldn't have seen or heard in your years but please know that I really cannot control it, and although I am making excuses I want you to know that it is extremely hard for me to behave "normally" on a day to day basis. It takes a lot of focus and strength for me to keep running.

I wish I sometimes could tell you what is happening in my brain in the hopes that you will understand but that is a privilege that not even the boys have quite reached yet. Just know that my brain doesn't work like a "normal person", that there are monsters inside of my head that are trapped and spend their time trying to fill my head with smoke and begin to slowly lose all focus of the reality and more time on the monsters inside my head. I hope that if you ever read this that I am still around to sit with you and drink tea and remind you that your life is okay.

I sometimes think about things I have learnt that might be able to help you. I never had the privilege of an older sibling and that advice and although our mum is the most incredible person in the world and will give you all the information you will ever need, I have some tips and advice that I want to give you.

1. You are Beautiful. - I don't feel like I really need to explain this much more but the way you view yourself will always be different to the way others view you. You view others in front of you whereas you only ever see a reflection of your appearance. To me you are the most beautiful person I know. Life isn't all about appearances but being happy in your skin is. 
2. Your Body is Your Body. - As you grow and things change you will begin to look at yourself with a whole new light. Every blemish, freckle, scar becomes visible to you and it's hard to pull yourself away from those. My biggest lesson ever is "Stretch Marks are okay and you don't have to be pregnant to get them". I knew I was going to get stretch marks when puberty happened but I wasn't really sure what to expect. I didn't realise I would get stretch marks on my boobs, I just thought they would appear on my thighs. For years I was embarrassed about them and wanted to hide them away, but even you know now how much I now love them. They are mine and they are a sign that my body is amazing and has adapted over time.
3. You are Unique.  - more days than not I have to be there to comfort you because girls haven't been the nicest to you. I wish I could make you see how your uniqueness makes you beautiful. You are funny and smart and can do far more than most children your age. When you get to my age you will realise that trying to fit in is boring and although people will try to tear you down, just remember that they are incredibly jealous of the fact that you are an incredible, talented person who has so much more going for her because you choose to stay true to yourself.
4. You are Loved. - there will be times when you don't feel like anyone loves you, that you are alone in this world and that this world is so much bigger than you are. But your family will always be here for you, I will always love you and you know that you will always be able to come to me when you need me.
5. Try Everything. - you are incredibly brave and strong and you aren't shy when it comes to giving things a go. I hope you never lose that trait because you will have the most exciting life if you want to have a go at everything in your life that you are faced with. Let's face it, you're probably going to be the one that travels the world and sees all the beautiful things because you aren't afraid to say Yes to everything. This makes me so proud of you and also very jealous of your bravery to give anything a try. This will take you far and let you experience incredible things...just be safe when you try bungee jumping or skydiving please!

Are will always love you and you will always be welcome to come to me with anything you need to talk to me about. I will always be here.

Love, 

Rebecca

xxx

#MedsWorkedForMe

I was just scrolling down Twitter when I saw that '#MedsWorkedForMe' is trending on twitter. A lot of public voices have recently been discussing the use of medication to treat mental health disorders and I have also been hearing these conversations seeping into my daily life. Over the last month, I've felt ashamed for having to take medication to make sure that my mental health stayed stable and that I didn't run into any issues. It's been tough and I've wanted to hide and at points I've hated these little tablets and how reliant I am on them for keeping me alive.

I started taking medications at 17, just after my first suicide attempt. I was super poorly and the doctors were rushing to find a solution that would have me safe as quickly as they could make it happen. I was diagnosed with depression, OCD and panic attacks and anxiety and it was a lot of things going on in my brain. Admittedly the first year of taking medications was hell. The doctors worked hard to finds medications that would work for me and at points I was getting poorlier. I was missing a lot of time out of college, I didn't want to get out of bed and I was scared about what my future would hold.

Then I found the golden trio of meds that helped me. I was put on Fluoxetine, Melatonin and Quetiapine and although it was a lot, I was feeling brighter and more positive about my future. I tried CBT for a while and I didn't find that that helped me. It was the medication that made the scary voices inside my head disappear. I had emergency Diazepam for the panic attacks and it finally meant that I could go outside and do things normally like everyone else.

I spoke openly about coming off of the Fluoxetine and how I feel more stable than ever but I do still take the melatonin and quetiapine at night to help me sleep. If I didn't, I wouldn't sleep for days, I become manic and spaced out and the voices inside my head get louder. I might still be reliant on medication but without them I wouldn't be alive. They saved me when I had hit rock bottom and I don't think I would have managed half of what I have done without the help that they have given me.

I hate that there is still so much stigma surrounding medications, that anti-depressants are called 'Happy Pills', that it's still so difficult to discuss mental health issues. I'm extremely lucky to have amazing family and friends who support me and my choices, who are there to talk to me when I feel alone. I'm grateful to my friends who stick by me when I am away from home at uni and make it so easy to talk openly about what is happening inside my head. I feel so proud to see this trending on twitter today, knowing that it will hopefully help to break some stigma. There is no shame in taking medications and I know that without them I wouldn't the person I am today.

#MedsWorkedForMe

Rebecca
xxx

What I'm Listening To | January 2018

Hi,

I haven't done a 'What I'm Listening To' for AGES and I found all the old ones recently and loved to see what I was listening to a few years ago. I've really got back into listening to a variety of music over the last few weeks (mainly down to obsessively listening to Absolute Radio). I'm coming out of listening to solely Fleetwood Mac and have found a couple of tracks that I am finding myself putting multiple times a day and thought I would share them with you!

1. The Killers - Run For Cover 

I don't think it can even be debated about how great The Killers are. I've grown up listening to them and they're one of those bands that you always sing along to on the radio. Run For Cover was released in August of last year and it has that catchy vibe that The Killers songs have. This song has come on a few times on my daily stints of listening to Absolute Radio and every time I find myself unable to resist having a little having a little boogie. If you want a song that is going to be stuck in your head all day long, then this is the perfect song for you!

 2. To Kill A King - Spiratural Dark Age

I had To Kill A King in the studio recently and they did an acoustic version of this song for me. Since then it has been stuck in my head. It's really catchy and the lyrics are always extremely clever and well thought out. Their third album has just been released and I'm looking forward to seeing what the band have to offer after a couple of years off to write this album. I love To Kill a King as every song has a story to it, the lyrics are smart and no song ever has felt like it shouldn't belong or was lazily put there. It looks like a very exciting year for To Kill A King and I cannot wait for world domination!

3. Miley Cyrus - See You Again 

I feel like I might have gone back in time by 10 years but I have been really loving this acoustic version of See You Again by Miley Cyrus. It is all country-esque and wonderful and it turns out I still know most of the words! Miley Cyrus is back with some great new tracks and I cannot wait to see what else she is going to be releasing (hopefully very shortly). Until then I will just play this over and over again!

4. Niall Horan - Since We're Alone

I love Niall's new album 'Flicker', it's the perfect mix of singer/songwriter with evidence of Niall's more rocky and 80's influences seeping in. This song is one of my favourites off of the album, it's so catchy and I've had it on repeat for the last few days! This has been a major ear wrom for me over the last week and I'm struggling to get this out of my head! This is one of the best songs to sing in the shower and if you ever need a back-up singer, I AM YOUR GIRL! 

                                 

5. Hannah Grace - Praise You

This song has been featured on the Lloyds advert recently but I've been listening to Hannah for a while as she performs with Gabrielle Aplin and Hudson Taylor. Hannah's voice is awesome and this cover is just insane! I've been listening to this on a daily basis and I'm hooked. 

I'm hoping to do these on a monthly basis and would love any recommendations for songs! To stay updated follow the spotify playlist here: https://open.spotify.com/user/1117597579/playlist/2x0iPRYd6JuLpHzN5mOQZB

Rebecca
xxx

'Mental Health Problem'

After the horrifying attack in Texas, Donald Trump spoke out and called this a 'mental health PROBLEM' in his country. Where in reality, it's more of a gun related problem and over the last few years we have seen a rise in gun related attacks over in the states. I think I've written something along the lines of this before when Josh Widdicombe came out with "Isn't any person who kills hundreds of people mentally unwell?" one night on the last leg.

This infuriates me more than I will admit, because looking back on my teenage self, straight after being diagnosed, seeing things like this scared me senseless. I didn't want to end up as one of these terrible people and I assumed that this was how it all went down for anyone with mental health issues. I was terrified that now that I had that diagnosis that this was my future, that this was going to happen, I was going to be locked up and it was inevitable, I couldn't stop it.

But what I've realised is that not everyone with mental health issues is a heartless murder or that they are unsafe to society and so emotionally detached from everything that they can't see that this is wrong. The stigma surrounding mental health issues is disgusting and this just perpetuates it further. I know that something has to be psychologically wrong with people who go out and do these terrible things, but I just feel sick the minute I hear the blame go straight to mental health issues.

1 in 4 people suffer with a mental health issue in the UK. That is a QUARTER of the population. Could you imagine the state of the UK if a quarter of the population actually behaved how these stereotypes portray us? It makes me so sad that "mental health problem" is still spat with such ferocity when things like this happen. People with mental health issues aren't bad people, quite the opposite, a large majority of us are functioning members of society. I just feel like when things like "this country has a mental health problem" puts a negative connotation on mental health issues and I hate that it just perpetuates and rasies the stigma to those who are uneducated to mental health stuff.

I'm tired of reading mental health being the blame of such terrible things in the world, like terrorist attacks when there is so much more to why those people are motivated to do those things. I hope one day we see a change so that young people that are feeling that isolation and fright won't go through the same stress and worries that I did.

Please remember you are never alone and there is always someone out there that cares. For more information you can find things here: https://www.mind.org.uk/?gclid=CjwKCAiAnabTBRA6EiwAemvBd67HIuoOxAA4r_X6PgN69bQEqJS4-JreYeGpEw4UzDoBU0evxYDhIxoClR8QAvD_BwE

Rebecca
xxx