"Isn't any person who kills hundreds of people mentally unwell?"

I've been watching The Last Leg and they have been talking a lot about the ISIS attacks. I try to refrain from talking a lot about ISIS because they do terrify me and I get paranoid that even talking about them puts me in a vulnerable position. The Last Leg presenters were talking about all the shootings and talking about how some of it is actually down to a man who was mentally unwell. This is wear I begin to become very protective because I panic that yet again the media are blaming mental illness for mass murder and reiterating the stereotype that all people with mental health issues are "crazy" and "uncontrollable.

Josh Widdicome then asked "Isn't any person who kills hundreds of people mentally unwell". And in some cases yes, mental health issues have been blamed for the murders of innocent people. With everything that causes significant damage the people are rigorously tested for mental health issues. Because mental health issues are always the first thing to be blamed for any wrong that has happened. I hate that. I hate that we live in a society where if someone went and killed another human the first thing they do is check for mental health issues, like it is always the fault of a mental health issue.

Not all people with a mental health issue are "crazy" or would go out and kill random innocent people and that's a message that I try so hard to convey in my blog posts. I don't want people to instantly judge me because of my illness because of the media's representation of all of the illnesses that I have. It's difficult sometimes to continue that fight because it begins to feel like I am fighting a loosing battle, that one day the media will win. I'm scared that our world is going to go back to how it used to be and I will be treated like others with mental health issues but being tested and and tortured because of my illness.

I am not going to be standing up for ISIS and their choices because I think they are extremely wrong, but I don't think they're behavior is because they are "mentally unwell". ISIS are a religious group, everything they are doing is what they believe to be right because their religion says so. That doesn't make what they are doing right in the slightest, but I also think that mental health issues should be the one to get the blame for what they are doing. Although people would say they have something wrong with them to do what they are doing, I really think they are acting with religious intent, yes it might be terrible and disgusting but this is what they believe to be the "right thing".

It's sad that we live in a society where the finger is constantly pointed to mental health issues because it continues to add to the stigma of the illnesses that I live with. It might be easy to make a throw away comment about my issues when you don't understand what living with a mental illness is actually like but I wish that the media would stop continuing to portray people with mental health issues in a bad light and maybe start working towards helping fight the stigma too. A girl can only dream.

Rebecca
xxx

Growing Up Hating Your Body

So the summer is back and with that comes the decrease in clothing. I've always been to a degree insecure about my body but over the past couple of years I really thought I was beginning to learn how to love myself and not feel ashamed or embarrassed of the way I look. I was doing good with it, I was starting to wear bikini's again after going through a phase of wearing a shirt and a swimming skirt in the pool.I try very hard not to talk about my insecurities in front of my little sister, I don't want her to think that hating your body is something that has to happen.

It started on Tuesday when we attended her last sports day and because of the heat wave I wore shorts. I physically repulsed myself. I felt disgusting. Sitting on the camping chair I couldn't bare to look down because my big floppy thighs looked horrible and I didn't want to remember they were there. As we were walking home my thighs begun to clap together and I looked down again, to see the two blobs wobbling with every step I took. I hated it and I didn't feel "normal", I kept watching my sister-in-law to see if it was normal but felt like it was just me after a while.

I also get super insecure about my boobs, it's not something I really talk about because it seems a bit taboo. Sitting here thinking about what I want I to say has given me a bit of a "screw it" attitude. I have a very small chest size, I would describe them as still at that awkward teenage phase that they never grew out of. When I was first measured I came up as a C cup which when I tried it on I barely even filled. Even with a B cup I still don't quite fill the whole of the bra. Which is frustrating, especially when I explain this to ladies who fit bra's and then they turn around and tell me I'm a C cup even though I just spent 10 minutes showing them that my B cup bra doesn't even fit.

I get very insecure about my small boobs. Nowadays on social media and magazines we see a lot of women with big and sometimes false boobs being scrutinized about their bodies and it can be hard not to put that judgement into view when looking at your own body. My main worry about my boobs is that men will be repulsed by me in the future. It might sound irrational and stupid but I think about when I get round to being intimate with someone and how they will react when they see my boobs. They're small and weirdly shaped and as many times people say "different sized boobs are normal" it doesn't make me feel better that they make me so incredibly insecure.

In some aspects I have been very lucky to just feeling incredibly insecure about my body because there are so many people out there in the worlds who do harm to themselves because they don't think they are attractive and that is so very upsetting. But growing up with this is a horrible thing to live with. To hate the skin you are in and never feeling confident about who you are. Not believing people when they tell you you are pretty and wondering how you can ever be loved when you look like you do. I'm determined to figure this out.

Rebecca
xxx

To The College Girls Who Called Me a Bitch

Firstly, thank you. If I hadn't found out you secretly talked about me behind my back moving on from our "friendship group" would have been a lot more difficult than it could have been. I wanted to write to the girls at college because the "genuine" (there may be A LOT of sarcasm in this post!) friendship we shared was something that appeared in my mind the other day when I was looking through my old twitter DM's and deleting them as I went, a process that can bring up a lot but also make you realise how much better your life has become.

I never fit into our group, or I should probably refer to it as your group, regardless I didn't fit in. I wasn't interested in what you were interested in. I didn't like talking about what you were talking about. I was quiet and preferred reading in my breaks and found myself slowly being pushed to the outside of the circle, both metaphorically and literally. It was the only time I was part of a girly clique and it was the most miserable existence to be living in. 

I didn't like the gossip, I didn't like talking about others behind their backs but it seemed almost impossible not to do if I wanted to stay in that group. I hid on the outside but I still chose to cling on to the edge for all it was worth. I wouldn't talk about others behind their backs but it seemed the rest of the group did. Amongst the cliques, smaller groups were formed and when I found myself with them I would hear all of the gossip about the others. I was trapped in a circle where everyone secretly hated each other and arguments would break out resulting to periods of girls ignoring each other. It's weird because looking back I thought I was somewhat immune from all of that because I didn't go around slagging off the others to the rest of the group.

I was made very self conscious about eating that year. During the hour lunch breaks the girls would sit and chat and whenever I even pulled my sandwich from my bag I felt like I was loosing valuable "friendship" with these people. I felt like they were looking at me and judging me for trying to get some food in to me. After a while I gave up eating lunch, taking to throwing my sandwich in a bin on the way home so that my parents didn't get suspicious. I was starving and miserable and I couldn't escape because I had no where else to go.

They would discuss sexual things quite a fair bit. I didn't feel comfortable discussing things like that and didn't have any knowledge or experience to participate in the conversation. I begun to feel even more secluded and begun to hide behind my phone or a book. It was difficult to sit and listen to it because in someways it was affecting my innocence. Homeschooling came with it's perks and that was one of them. 

I hated the group of questionable friendship and as desperately as I wanted to escape I was tied up because I had no other friends to run too. I begun to feel insecure. I was surrounded by these girls with sexual knowledge and covered in make-up and I looked in at myself and knew that I didn't fit in. I would watch them put on their make-up or get up to speak to a guy and I would just think to myself "why can't I be like that". It was stupid how I let this all destroy my life. I didn't want to be a part of that group any longer.

I wasn't spoken to outside of college, although they all followed me on twitter. My knowledge of my  mental health journey was just beginning and was rapidly approaching my first major suicide attempt. Only one of the girls knew about it because she was the only one I felt I could trust not to betray me. When I posted depressing things on twitter I would get "don't be silly" back and it hurt to think that my "friends" thought I was just being over dramatic. 

At one point I made a stupid mistake. I was getting close to my suicide attempt (with probably weeks or days to it) and of course I had a mental breakdown. Those aren't pretty and I say a lot of things that I probably wouldn't say otherwise. I tweeted that I didn't feel like I had friends and that I didn't feel like I had anyone to talk to. I was hurting so bad and that tweet was scarily accurate but also extremely offensive to the girls I hung out with.

For people who I thought hadn't really paid attention to the girl who hides to the side with her nose in a book, this apparently offended them. I can kind of see why but I was also really poorly and didn't know what I was saying or doing at all. This got me isolated more and a few days later one of  them pulled me aside to gossip and told me all about how they were calling me a bitch behind my back. I was devastated. I couldn't see what was that wrong for them to talk about me like that behind my back. I wanted to hide from the world because the people who I clung to desperately for friendship had finally spotted me on their radar and decided I wasn't worthy.

I still had a couple of friends in that group that I would sit with but the group was beginning to fracture. What would upset me the most was when I would sit at a table with them and girls would get up and walk away. I was starting to have nowhere left to go and no one to talk to. They started finding more reasons to hate me and isolate me and I was finding more ways to try and break away from them.  Although they were still my friends, which was something I hadn't had for years and I was desperate to try and not be completely abandoned.

After a while the group split and I was left all alone. It sucked but when the summer rolled in I knew that the majority of them weren't staying on. I was relieved that the pressure of being part of a clique-y girl group was coming to an end. But it was still devastating for me on results day when I saw that the group had gone to pick up their results together without even a mention to me. A lot of the group were girls who I had still considered my friends and to see them hanging around without me hurt, a lot. So much so that I actually sat in Starbucks on results day, sobbing because I was alone again. I never got the chance to have a normal friendship growing up and mine was ripped away so fast that seeing them in town without me was a severe blow to the system.

I still remember mum walking me out of Starbucks whilst I cried and couldn't stop looking at them. It was hard but I got through it. I may not have them in my life anymore and they may still be in each others but I am better off to know that I am happy with where I am and what I am doing and that one day I won't even remember who they are.

Rebecca
xxx

A Letter For You.

There's a few situations in my life that constantly fill my head and remind me of times in my life that affected me greatly. I may over react when I talk about a certain situation which resulted in a comment from someone else saying "the other day he was the worst pedophile in the world". I know that doesn't lessen my emotions and the damage that instance caused me. So I thought I would right a letter to you personally.

Dear...
You had no right to touch me. No right to force yourself upon me. No right to think that my fights to get away were just teasing you and making you work for me. You had no right to make me feel as disgusting as I did for so long.

It makes me angry that for such a long time I gave you justification for what you did. "He's just a stupid teenage boy." "I have so much going on in my brain right now that I couldn't cope with that." or "I'm sorry I reacted weirdly. My illness stops me from being normal.". I was an idiot for thinking that what you did was okay. That when I told you no you kissed me again and when I tried to get away you took my hand and touched yourself with it. How dare you think that is ever the right way to treat a woman.

It took me a couple of days to work up the courage to tell my parents what you had done. I felt like I was to blame. Like I was disgusting for what you made me do. It might not have been the most horrific of things but I still could not wash and feel clean for days afterwards. I spent my nights sobbing at how worthless and disgusting you had made me feel and when I finally told my parents I felt like it was my fault and that I had let them down.

I've realised it was never my fault, that I am far better than that. I would never take that advantage of another human being like that. I might be a woman and the world may have shown you how it wants women to be treated, but I am not a piece of meat for sale, I am more than you will ever know. In this modern society we are taught to "victim blame" to the point where I would lay in bed and over think the situation. Was I wearing too exposing clothing? Should I have been more careful and made sure someone else was around? Did I ask for it?

For a long time I was terrified of you. Whenever I saw you I would feel like I was going to throw up. I was scared you were going to do things to me again and I didn't want you to touch me again. For a good year after everything happened even the thought of you would give me panic attacks, I would have times where I knew we would see each other and I would sit and cry with anxiety at just the thought of seeing you again. It took me a while to feel "safe" around you again and even now sometimes when I see you I get those old fears and panic attacks it's left to the people around me to pick up the pieces.

I don't feel like you ever felt the true consequences of your actions and I still spend times wondering about what it was that made you behave the way you did. I'm sorry that you got a damaged girl after everything you had done and I'm sorry that you got me desperately searching for answers but for such a long time you made me feel physically repulsed by myself and I was searching for you to give me an answer that I was looking for. It may not have been the way a girl would normally re-act but consent would have completely changed that situation and I may not still be affected about what happened that night. I never truly told everyone the full story because it still makes me feel horrible and I hate that you can still do that to me.

One day I hope things will change and that maybe we can have a better relationship, but until then I am going to work super hard not to want to hit you when I see you.
Yours Truly,
Rebecca

How Bad This Week Has Been...

I started feeling like a mental breakdown was starting on Tuesday. I've had enough of them in my time to know when they are starting. I start to lose control of my thoughts and then my actions and my words. It sounds stupid but it's like another person has moved in to my head, a bad person who makes me think, say and do things that hurt, upset and frustrate others. It's like watching yourself in a dream where you have no control on anything that you are doing, those times where you are trying to scream and you can't. Or in simpler terms almost like a Sims character where your traits and actions are being controlled by someone else. It's auto-pilot and the start of a mental breakdown for me.

According to my psychologist they won't test me for bipolar disorder until I am 21, apparently that is when the symptoms begin to show. You know that's rubbish and so do I. When one of my breakdowns happens I begin to show those symptoms of bipolar a lot more than normal, I can be manically depressed and crying and then 10 seconds later uncontrollably hyper. Both in their own rights are horrible, but the uncontrollably "high" patches are horrible because that's when I begin to say inappropriate things and behave horribly and it's so difficult because I can't control myself at all. I've recently started describing it like being drunk. You know that point where you're all giggly and can't control what you are saying or doing? That is how it feels when these high points hit.

I don't really tend to talk about how bad it gets to anyone. With University coming up I want to show my parents that I can be okay and "normal" and they have nothing to worry about. I also worry about ending up in the psychiatrist unit, and although I thought that I wasn't as afraid as I used to be about it, I have recently had this overwhelming fear that that is where I am going to end up soon. Yes it might be for the best but with everything going on right now, I don't think I could handle that too.

Some thoughts have been scary and nobody has really known about them. I've been extremely suicidal and that voice inside my head that tells me to end it has thought of any way humanly possible for me to do it. That's been happening since Wednesday night, I've had very light relief but it has been a constant stream in my mind. I've been putting on a brave face and acting "normal" because I don't want my parents to worry. But this is the worst I have been in a very long time. Probably since the last time I considered overdosing and got extremely close to doing so. Very early Thursday morning I considered just sneaking out and finding a way that I could kill myself that wouldn't end up with my family having to find me somewhere in the house. It's stupid but when I get suicidal I think about these things a lot, my mind obsessively plans and works out the easiest way to go about things. I even wrote a suicide note for the first time this week, I told people I wasn't going to do anything stupid but really I thought that I would soon be free.

It's hard because I don't feel like I have that understanding anymore. I don't want my family to pussy-foot around me whilst I am like this but with a head full of constant noise it's hard to cope with anything much more than a simple quiet chat. My brain hurts, my head hurts and I feel so numb. It's frustrating because I was stupid enough to think I was getting better and yet the cycle has begun again. Life is hard and one day I really hope I can figure this mess all out.

Rebecca
xxx

Baking With Becky | Braybrook's Favourite Cookies

I thought I would try something new on this blog and begin to show you some recipes. I can't say that this will be regular but I want to show you some things that I enjoy cooking. So where better to start than the family favourite cookie recipe. These produce more sponge-y cookies rather than chewy. My mum doesn't like cookies but these she loves, along with the rest of the household.

Starting with the butter I choose to use unsalted butter as the recipe calls for salt later on and I don't want the cookies to be too salty. Everyone says differently about the butter in cookies as it affects the end result but I prefer to use soft/runny butter so I stick it in a bowl in the microwave for 30 seconds to 1 minute, stopping and taking it out to check that it hasn't turned to liquid completely. This can then be added to your large mixing bowl ready to be mixed with the sugar.

This recipe calls for two different types of sugar, on the recipe it says soft dark brown sugar but I use soft light brown sugar as the cookies don't come out as dark and can look a bit burnt with the dark brown sugar. So the recipe asks for brown sugar and caster sugar for these cookies. You can then add this too the bowl with the butter and begin to mix until they are creamed together and the mixture has become light and fluffy. Although this is easy with soft butter, it's a lot faster and nicer to your arms to use and electric mixer if you have one!

In another bowl crack one egg and add your vanilla extract and beat until the egg mixture becomes a little lighter and has a couple of bubbles appearing. You don't want to over mix your egg (you will know if the mixture becomes too bubbly) as this will change the overall cookie at the end. I tend to get lazy at this part and although you are supposed to add the egg gradually and beat it in, I get too afraid that I will curdle the mixture so I choose to add the egg mixture and the flour at the same time to stop the butter and egg curdling together.

Your drys are as follows: Flour (plain, all purpose flour is good enough for the job), Bicarbonate of Soda and Salt. I tend to sift all this ingredients together as I can be sure that there are no lumps in it and also it's easier to just bung the sieve on the bowl and chuck all the drys in (I'm such a star baker if you can tell). I then add this to the cookie mixture at the same time as the egg and vanilla goo and mix as this saves the cookie mixture from curdling and makes the process a little faster (I can make these in about 10 minutes if I don't stick it in the fridge!).

FINALLY THE BEST INGREDIENT! Yet another recipe change for you with this. The recipe I use calls for 175g of chocolate chips but they come in bags of 100g's so I just end up shoving 200g's of chocolate chips in my dough! I have also tried cooking chocolate and chopping up 175g's, it works just as good as chocolate chips but the finer it is chopped the more spread out in the dough you can find the pieces of chocolate. But if you're going to stick to the traditional chocolate chips then you can shove two bags in there and it's fine!

Once the mixture is fully mixed and ready I choose to stick it in the fridge for a while, this just stops the mixture from being too runny. Resulting in flat, rather thin cookies, which of course nobody wants really! I leave them in there for as long as I can but 30 minutes can be enough if you have the time to stick them in the fridge. I then use a cookie scoop thing (we're fancy in our house) but scooping them with spoons will work just as well. I then stick them in a pre-heated oven (should have probably mentioned this sooner!) at 160-180 degrees for about 10-15 minutes. I find that mine take about 10 minutes before they look ready to come out. Once taken out of the oven leave the cookies to cool on the tray for a couple of minutes (until you cave in and need one) and scoop them off the tray with a spatula. Then you can enjoy your cookies, which are quite splendid warm but also are not that bad the day after. If you make more than you want to cook, you can actually freeze the balls of dough and cook them at a later date. They last about 3 months in the freezer and will need to have about an hour on a tray in the freezer and then they can go in a freezer bag, ready to be used when you are craving them!

 Voila there you have the Braybrook Family's Favourite Cookies!

Ingredients

• 115g - of Butter. Room temperature or however you like the butter in your cookies!
• 45g - Caster Sugar
• 100g - Soft Light Brown Sugar
• 1 Egg
• 1/2 teaspoon - Vanilla Extract
• 175g - Plain Flour
• 1/2 teaspoon - Bicarbonate of Soda (or Baking Soda)
• 1/4 teaspoon - Salt
• 175g (or 200g) - Chocolate Chips

Of course you can customise the cookies as you please, the recipe suggests walnuts so you can really mix it up. I hope you enjoy the recipe and the cookies if you have a go at baking them!

My Freshers Thoughts...

I have about 10 weeks until university and the anxieties have begun to bubble away. There's lots of things that are expected of anyone starting university and my parents have tried to "encourage me" (a gentle shove) into experiencing the full "uni experience". It is a conflict that my brain has continued to have since I confirmed my place at university. I think my parents are worried that people will think I'm weird or isolate me if I don't make the effort to join in because I've never really had a group of friends and I have missed so much of the vital socialization process.

I would love to feel like I want to do those things and experience those experiences and as much as I "might change my mind when I get there", but I do not want to go clubbing and excessively drinking. That as much as it may be good to push my anxiety also makes me feel extremely poorly with anxiety wise and I have learnt that if I have extreme anxiety over something that doing it just makes the anxiety worse in the long run.

I know I'm making excuses and I know that it will disappoint my parents but those typical ideas of "freshers" doesn't appeal to me. I want to work on feeling safe and comfortable where I am and not instantly throwing myself in the deep end with it all in one go. When watching Freshers stuff on TV I genuinely begin to feel sick at the thought of going into a club and being in that environment. That's not my personality and that's not something that with my illness would be something I could even do.

I want to do it slowly and at my pace and I don't know if I will get that chance to do so. I need the time to work through everything and as sad as it sounds get myself into a familiar routine. I want to make my own choices and I want to feel comfortable as it's going to be such a big change for me to deal with. It's hard to talk about it sometimes because I don't want to be the loser that doesn't go out and prefers the more quiet past times. I don't want to be throwing up all night and leaving myself vulnerable, I want to be safe and know that I won't be judged for that.

It's going to be a rough and scary time and I'm starting to worry that I've made the wrong choice or that my illness is going to get bad again.

Rebecca
x

I Think About You Way Too Much...

I wouldn't consider myself completely obsessive of people (despite the OCD diagnosis). Although I sometimes find it hard to say goodbye to people who became important in my life. I know I shouldn't think about you daily but I do. Everything reminds me of you and the relationship we once shared. Times change and I know that, I can repeat it to myself multiple times but it still does not stop me from feeling like you abandoned me without a proper goodbye. I think a lot about the things that made us laugh and how we acted like naughty school children, pushing boundaries until somebody else began to crack with frustration and the fact they were in the presence of two complete idiots.

We did stupid things sometimes and I still cherish the memories of the laughter and the smiles that we shared. I miss the stupid little things sometimes, like how you would twist the same piece of hair when you were concentrating, even though you would deny it, knowing full well that I had watched you do just that minutes before-hand. I miss the first feelings I had of a best friend, someone who looked beyond my illness and loved me nonetheless. Certain songs still remind me of you, how we'd sing along stupidly at the tops of our voices or how you would do this stupid dance that had me in hysterical fits every single time.

You were a complete angel and at times I was overwhelmed by how comfortable around you I felt. You did so much for me, from being a mentor to a friend and even someone to sit beside me when I would panic and need to cry. I saw you get so protective of me that I wondered if I meant something more to you. When strangers would sail through our lives you were always right beside me, pressed to my side and a protective hand to watch out for me. I saw you consider hurting someone for the way they hurt me and it took so long to reassure you that it was okay. That I was okay.

I will always appreciate all that you did in your time in my life. From making tough situations just that little bit easier by making silly jokes or messing around with me, you were always there right beside me helping me through the tougher parts of our time together. I will always cherish those stupid times we had together, where we would act like idiots and sit laughing whilst everybody else around us tried to continue what they were doing. I loved being able to watch you work hard at something you loved so passionately that it radiated out of you. The little smile that would appear when you knew you'd made me laugh.

We did stupid things together from creating monsters to making people jump and I want to thank you for those memories. I know you never knew how much I cared and I was always to afraid to ask if you felt the same. But then you left and my world fell apart. I think about you so much that I begin to worry that it's not normal. I know it's not normal but I still can't cope with the idea of finally letting you go. For a while I became a bit of a stalker, as though helping myself grieve would be lessened by just appearing at random points in your life. But then I saw her and I realised you had moved on. You found somebody else to create those stupid memories with and someone else that gets to enjoy watching all the little things that made me so stupidly smitten.

I worry that I may never get over you, and the longer the time goes on the harder I worry that there's something wrong with me that I can't say goodbye. I miss you a lot and it doesn't get easier when your best friend just leaves. But I have one thing i'm sure about, I will know someone that I will love so innocently that won't just turn and leave me. I sometimes wonder if I ever cross you mind. If you hear songs that I do and remember stupid times we had together. It's difficult letting go of the past but one day I will be able to let you go too.

A Letter To My Non-Existent Grandma

So why not share a letter with the world and not actually be brave enough to send this to my real grandma? I don't know but this idea seemed less scary and less likely to have a response from her and with that in mind this feels more comfortable than an actual letter to her.

Dear Grandma (if you really still deserve that title from me),
It's time I wrote you a letter because I think about you a lot. You didn't bring that much happiness into my life but you are still my grandma and we still are family. I write random letters to you every now and again but they end up in the fire rather than in the post box. I don't even really know what I want to say to you, I just want to let it all out for a bit.

I get upset when I think about how much of our lives you have missed, how much we have grown, how much we have changed and how much you don't know about because you have chosen to distance yourself from us. In some ways I'm happy that we don't talk anymore, you were abusive to my little brother and my mother with the things you would say and I never felt truly that you loved us. I could hug you and your arms would lay flat by your side and it hurt me that you clearly didn't care about me and my siblings. I get angry and upset at you when I think about the time last year when I tapped you on the shoulder and said "hello grandma" to you and you chose to hide from me and walk away. I hate that instead of the warm greeting I was expecting you left and continued to turn and watch me as you walked away, leaving me standing dumbstruck on a pavement.

I don't know why you and dad don't talk anymore and it makes me incredibly angry that you are both far too stubborn to call each other. Mum says to me that maybe you think that I could too make the first move but as your grandchild I feel like there should be some part of you that wants to fight for us and you haven't shown that. You haven't shown me that you care. I get upset sometimes when I think about you because you are our grandma and you are choosing to stay out of the lives of your eldest child and four of your five grandchildren. In some ways it doesn't surprise me because even growing up and when grandad passed away you always seemed to favor our cousin over us. Maybe grandad was the reason we stayed in your lives for a lot longer that we might have done.

Growing up I don't really remember loving you as much as our other grandparents because you never seemed to care like they did and continue to do. They would tell me off for talking badly about you because they were hurt that we could feel like that about you and that our love for you was fading. They don't tell me off as much about it anymore, although grandad still remains neutral and tries to help you side where he can. You're just a loss cause now and I must realise that you don't want to be in our lives. I feel angry a lot when you cross my mind because you still have a hold on my thoughts and you still linger and I wonder if you ever think about us. You're not really friendly talking topic in our house anymore but sometimes I get reminded of you through my laugh or my mannerisms and admittedly I miss you when it happens even though it makes me repulsed that I can be so much like you and I try incredibly hard to make sure that I don't become the woman you are.

I wanted to catch you up on the lives of your grandchildren. How we have grown in the time since we last saw you. You may never see our faces again but we have changed so much in the time you have not been in our lives. It get's scary when I look at my brothers and my sister and I think about all the changes you have missed and not only the growth physically but also the growth we have achieved as individuals and as a family. I think the last time we saw you Sam (in blue) was just starting to overtake you height wise and now he is well over 6 feet tall. Which shows you how much time has passed since you saw all four of us in person.

Phoebe will probably be the most drastic change, she has grown so much over the last couple of years. She is currently on the final countdown to finishing primary school and I can't wait to watch her grow through secondary school. She's extremely creative and funny and when she's in a lovely mood she's the loveliest person out there. She continues to make me proud with her optimism of life and her determination to keep going despite the hurdles thrown at her. She's an incredible kid and I'm so very sorry that you've missed out of spending time with her as she's grown and gotten older. Her style is still unique and she's very much a tom boy, she goes out to play with the boys and can do everything they do and more. She's part of scouts and it's so fun to watch that shape her passions in life and her personality. She's going to be incredible at whatever she does and I am quite certain it will be something creative, my guess right now is that she will do something down the writing route, whether that be an author or a journalist as she loves to construct stories.

Jacob is now 13 and in the top of all of his classes in his year group. He is and always has been incredibly smart. He will be picking his GSCE's next year which seems a little crazy to think about because I still remember him being little and running naked around the house (luckily this stopped with age!). Jacob loves computer games but has a real passion for building robots and has been a part of robotics (or lego club as we call it) for quite some time now. He's extremely good at programming and knows how to debate his way out of most situations. He's an interesting personality, he enjoys debating and still gets some sort of satisfaction out of making us angry at him. I wouldn't be surprised if he goes into some form of computer programming or game design when he gets older but on the other hand we all think he would back an incredible barrister. Jake is now taller than me which can be rather frustrating when I need his help to get things off of shelves and I can no longer hold things in the air out of his reach.

 You would not believe the difference of Samuel since you last saw him! He is just about to finish school and only has a few GCSE's left to finish. He plans on being an aeronautical engineer when he is older which involves designing and developing planes and space craft. He's currently looking for apprenticeships but may end up starting his A-Levels in september. He's now well over 6 feet tall and when I get in his way he likes to pick me up and move me which admittedly gets old after a while. We bickered a lot as children but now he is one of my best friends and with age we have become a lot closer. His girlfriend has been a part of our lives now for a couple of years and it is so lovely to have her as part of our family. I cannot wait to watch him grow up and follow his career choice, it's going to be truly incredible to be there a long side him, supporting him through it all. He is incredible practically and knows more about things we would consider "rubbish" than a lot of people. I know he will achieve his dreams but I really think that will involve a move to america in the future and I am pretty sure he could work for NASA if he tried hard enough!

As for me life has been a struggle. I got diagnosed with mental health issues a few years back and have been extremely poorly and am very lucky to still be alive, a true credit to the work of my incredible mother. I turn 20 in August which seems a little scary but I cannot wait for the start of a new year. I am a complete radio lover and worked for Hospital Radio for almost three years, where I then moved on to Drivetime at Chelmsford Community Radio. I love it and couldn't be happier with what I am doing and enjoy learning something every time I am behind a microphone. At the start of the year I got nominated for best newcomer across the country and although didn't win still feel highly accomplished and know I am on the right path. In September I move to Stoke-On-Trent to begin studying Radio Production and Staffordshire University and although nervous at times, I am incredibly excited for the new challenge and chapter in my life. My dream is to work for Radio 1 but as I get older and more experienced I can't wait for any experience I can get from commercial radio stations. I refuse to give up and am very determined to get to where I want to be with my life regardless of what can hold me back at times.

As for Mum and Dad they are the most incredible parents anyone could ask for. They don't have an easy life and a lot seems to go wrong for us but they remain strong in their marriage and also as a family. Things get tough sometimes but they have always been incredibly supportive of all of us and continue to work hard to make sure that we are looked after and a strong family unit. They are incredible and I am so proud of how much they do in order to keep the family running smoothly and I am so lucky they are our parents and that I get to call them mum and dad. Times are changing fast in our house but they continue to remind us that we have a place to call home and come back to whenever we need it and for that I am so lucky because I could not even begin to imagine a relationship like yours and dads with my mum and I refuse to let that relationship that we have ever leave because she is my best friend, my mummy and the most wonderful and beautiful woman that I will ever meet.

The latest addition to the family is our 8 month old Goldendoodle puppy Tilly. She can be a horror when she wants to be but is incredibly loving and friendly and brings so much joy to all of our lives including dads. I'm pretty sure he prefers her over us and she is know to cuddle up with him on the sofa. I feel so lucky to have her in our lives and she continues to help me with my daily battles. It's so amazing to be so loved when you have been out and how affectionate she can be. Just the other day she came and snuggled with me whilst we watched a film. She is full of energy and can be a bit mad at times but she is still a puppy and I can't wait to watch her grow. She loves fetch the most and loves a little swim but makes rather funny noises when she goes in the sea or rives. She however HATES baths and being brushed, but with all that fur it's something she has to learn to deal with. I love her so much that it makes my heart swell when she is so loving and she really is the best dog ever.

You're now caught up on our lives and although you may never read this which is rather sad to me, it's been nice to stop and look at everyone for a bit and realise how much they have changed and how I have changed. I think about you a lot and yes I miss you sometimes because at the end of the day you will always be my grandma. I hope you are well and although I don't know how much I really mean it, I love you.

Yours Truly,
Rebecca
xxx

May Music Favourites 2015

So I haven't done one of these for a while and I thought I would tell you what tracks I loved this month. I'm trying to distance from writing about artists in huge chunks and cutting the long story short and recommending you some tracks that I am enjoying this month. SO here we go, here were my five favourite tracks for the month May. To find more of what I have been listening too this month you can find a link to my Spotify playlist at the bottom of this blog post!

1. T-Shirt Weather - Circa Waves

This track by Circa Waves is going to be my song of the summer by far. It really encapsulates that feeling of hanging out in the sunshine with this track on loudly. As you may or may not know I now do Drive at Five on Chelmsford Community Radio and have to make sure that this is shoved into my first hour as I feel like it's a real mood booster. This goes into the playlist because it will be the ultimate track of the summer this year! I'm yet to hear anything else from this band but this song is a rather pleasant listen.

2. Zombie - Jamie T

Admittedly when I first heard this track on the radio I hated it but after hearing it multiple times it has really grown on me. It's an interesting little track and really makes you want to dance like an idiot along to it, that might just be me actually...

I don't hear this one being played on the radio much anymore but it was definitely one that I have listened to multiple times this months, purposely searching for it, instead of it just appearing in a spotify playlist, although it's always welcome if it does appear in a playlist!

3. I Found - Amber Run

This track was this months freebie from Starbucks and I picked it up as it was described as "haunting songwriting" and you know how much I adore singer/songwriters. This band sounds like a mix between Ben Howard, James Bay and to a degree Mumford and Sons. I'm not saying they sound LIKE those artists but they have elements that are very similar and it creates that "haunting songwriting" that it was described as. I have really enjoyed listening to this band and expect big things for them in the future! They are a must play this month!

4. Love Is Not Control - To Kill A King

I have been loving To Kill A King this month. I'm a huge fan of their stuff as it is but I have been obsessed with Love Is Not Control and their other song Choices this month. Love is Not Control is I believe the boys latest track and I have had it on repeat quite a lot this month. To Kill a King have a really nice dark edge to their music and I really enjoy listening to them. They might not be for everyone but give them a listen!

5. Hold My Hand - Jess Glynne 

Jess Glynne is the voice behind numerous Clean Bandit tracks but when this song was released I was a little unsure if she could hold her own ground with her own music. But this track is incredible! Jess has an incredible voice and is definitely going into my summer playlist of things to listen to in the sunshine. I was a huge fan of her music with Clean Bandit and I'm so glad that she has released some music of her own and still done exceptionally well. I cannot wait to hear more from in the future!

To keep up to date on my favourite tracks you can follow my spotify playlist for this month here: May Favourites Playlist

Dear Robin Williams

This is a long time over due and in some ways writing a letter to a dead person feels like a little bit of a weird thing to do. But I wanted to do it anyway, regardless of the fact you will never read this. I think about you and your death a lot, probably more than what's considered normal but every now and again you will stumble your way back into my mind and it makes me sad that our world is no longer graced with your presence.

I grew up watching your films as a child and still hold the memories very close to my heart. Admittedly I don't really think we have much in common but the one thing we do is the one thing that killed you. It's hard to think that depression was the reason you are no longer with us because you were such a funny man who clearly hid his pain so well. I know how hard it is to mask that depression and some times that makes me realise how strong we both were and are during these times. It's not easy to pretend to be happy, to hide our pain and suffering from people so that they never had to know.

The stigma surrounding our illness is a terrible one. In a way it's quite like quicksand, once you start reading it you begin to get sucked in until you feel trapped with all the thoughts from other people who tell you that you are "crazy" or a "psychopath" and that we are all just one big inconvenience to the rest of the world. And once those seeds have been planted into our brains it's hard to differentiate between the weeds and the flowers.

I hate thinking about how you died because it makes me extremely sad to think about a man loved by so many for his happiness and humor to have suffered in the way that you did. I know the level of depression it takes to feel suicidal. I know how scary that is and how difficult it is to imagine ever being able to escape from the dark hole that you are trapped in. I could not even begin to imagine how that last push of depression feels to actually take your own life.

I'm so very sorry that you didn't feel as though you had anyone around that you could talk to and anybody to confide in and seek help. I am so sorry that the world we live in made you feel that way, because the stigma of a grown man asking for help with mental health problems gets you laughed at and belittled because of the illness. We horribly live in a world where only 17% of men feel brave enough to speak about what they are going through because of that stigma. In England men are more than three times more likely than women to commit suicide which is a scary statistic.

I sometimes don't understand why the world has such negative views on mental health and that there is so much stigma surrounding our illness. I hate that at 19 years old I already know that I am going to live a life where people treat me differently because of my mental illnesses and that I will continue to see the stigma for the rest of my life. I don't understand the stigma because, you know as much as I do that we are "normal" people too, that we can function like everyone else, it's just that sometimes we just need a little extra care and support. I don't understand why people have such horrible views on our illness and I think it's all down to the past when people were considered psychotic and were treated horribly for their illness. For generations that stigma was passed down and I want to see a world where that stigma is broken, which will take so much work but I am determined to see it done.

I think a lot about your final moments, the extreme feelings that you were having and the fact that you thought the world would be better without you. I have had times where I have sat and cried just thinking about that because I know how terrible you must have been feeling and how terrifying those feelings actually are. I've come close to suicide more times than I would like to admit and as weird as it sounds I think you were incredibly brave to make that final move. It's not an easy move to make and it takes extreme bravery to actually do it.

It's been a while since you passed away and although we still live in a world with so much stigma surrounding mental health issues, your death did incredibly in raising awareness for depression. Many people begun to take the illness seriously and realised that we aren't completely crazy. People were moved by our death because you had touched so many hearts in this world. I want to thank you for all the times that you have made me smile and laugh and I also want to thank you for the awareness you brought to depression. It was a shame that it took the loss of such a great man to have it taken seriously but it is changing the world, slowly but surely.

Lots of Love,
Rebecca
xxx

An Honest Chat...

I didn't know if I wanted to write this but I decided that it might help someone out there realise they are not alone. So I've been started on new meds called quetiapine and it's been intensifying a lot of my mental health symptoms and bringing on some of the rare ones that I don't see that often. Somethings I say sound stupid and funny but when you are living with it they can be terrifying and before you read this I want you to know that as much as you want to maybe laugh at some of these symptoms, please consider having to experience it yourself and decide if it's still funny to you.

So as I said in my previous blog post I've been suffering with things like Paranoia, Panic Attacks and Anxiety and bad voices for the past month and all of these have been intensified with these meds so I'm feeling them so much more extremely than before. I've also been having bad suicidal thoughts and at the beginning of the week was terrified to leave my room because I couldn't trust myself to not do it and ended up not leaving the house by myself until Friday. It begun to get extremely bad on Friday evening when we went into town and I stood 8 floors up in a multi story car park, looking down at the pavement below. It was a weird battle that I had with myself as I stood there because that was the most ready to do it I have ever been.

Before the thoughts of my family and my own willpower and fear of death had stopped me from going through with it, but as I stood there looking down at the world continuing on without me I internally battled with myself about whether or not I was going to do it. I knew my mum and sister would be walking past a couple of minutes later and for the first time ever that didn't bother me and I wasn't worried about it (which I feel so guilty for saying). The thing that did stop me doing it was the fact my dad kept talking to me, he didn't know what I was going through in my mind but he didn't stop to the point where it was frustrating me and I was thinking 'I wish he'd be quite so I could do this'. I hate that even still now I regret that I didn't do it and my brain is still telling me that my family would be better off without me around.

Another side affect to these new meds is that I have NO control on what I am saying or doing. It's like looking after a small child that won't do what it's told and it is really hard work to deal with and so upsetting when you say and do things that you would otherwise not do but you can't stop it happening. I'm starting to gain control of my speech back a little but it's been really difficult having all my thoughts just pouring straight out of my mouth and even things that I don't want to say. It's been like that horrible voice in my head has been controlling my speech and it has said things that I really didn't mean or want to say. It's been so devastating.

I've also been hallucinating and hearing things a lot this week. It started probably on Tuesday when I was trying to go to sleep and I thought I could hear my mum desperately calling my name at me and it got so scary to the point where the paranoia had me thinking that I wasn't actually alive or awake and life was happening without me. I spent an hour or so hearing my mum sort of screaming my name at me and I was convinced I was in a coma and they were trying to wake me up and it was so so scary and even now I am dealing with the paranoia that is trying to tell me that this is all not real.

With the hallucinations I've been seeing things that haven't been there, from things like spiders to being convinced the dog was talking to me. It might sound funny but when you are seeing things that aren't actually there but you think are it is incredibly terrifying. There's been so many times where I've closed my eyes really tight hoping that I would wake up from a horrible dream. It's been so scary that my brain has had this control over me to the point where I thought things were happening and things where there that aren't actually. People who haven't ever experienced this I don't expect them to understand but it's so difficult trying to decide what is "real" and what isn't. I've been living double checking everything to see if it's actually there or it's just my  brain playing tricks on me.

The paranoia has continued to grow and get worse this week. When I get super poorly I feel numb and it makes me think heavily about my emotions and I become paranoid that I don't actually know what emotions feel like and that all is numb constantly. I don't know if I truly know what love "feels" like because I can't think of a time where I have "felt" so full of love. Then I forget about how it feels to be happy and I become more and more paranoid that all I know is this numbness and I've never managed to feel "normal" emotions.

I've also had very little memory of the past week.I feel like all the bad mental health problems have stuck in there but anything else has just been thrown away and it is extremely terrifying to wake up and not remember what you did yesterday or what I was doing an hour ago. I can recall very very little of my week and that is so scary to me.

I'll maybe expand on this sooner or later but until then I hope you are all well.
Rebecca
xxx

A Life With My Brain

I try not to think about the long term aspect of my illness very much. It's especially hard to think about when I'm feeling low. At 19 years old people say "I have my whole life ahead of me" and in someways that is thrilling and exciting and I can't wait for the big adventure of it all. But in others I look at it in a cold and terrifying light.

I've been suffering with mental health issues for my whole life and yes I know to a degree how to "cope" and handle it all. But I try not to think about how my whole life is going to be dependent on medication just to keep me on a steady-ish path. My lowest of times can be extremely difficult and even looking back on them and thinking about my future terrifies me that I'm always going to have those times.

I was talking to mum earlier about how when my medication finally is the correct bunch that I can live my life fairly normally. But the thought of always never fully getting better is the scariest thing I face. I have a future ahead of me where ups and downs are going to be there. I'm always going to have these illnesses that mess with my life and that's never going to go away and I'm never going to get that chance to be a "normal" human being.

With my mental illnesses there is no glimmer of hope of a recovery. There's no chance that I'm miracle-y going to wake up one day and not have to go through all I do. At and 19 years old that is a really scary prospect to me. I'm so frightened that I'm not going to be able to live my life because I am caged in by the things that are holding me back and my continued dependency on medication just to get me out of bed in the morning and to go to sleep at night.

These thoughts can be pretty tough as it is but when you're extremely low and suicidal as it is, it's hard not to consider just giving up now instead of trying to fight it for the rest of my life. I look at it all and think that it might be easier just to surrender now and not have to live with this for the rest of my life. I'm not happy and I live a life in constant fear of everything going on in my brain. For the rest of my life I will have to live with a brain that is always against me and that is some very difficult information to swallow.

Rebecca
xxx

"I'm Not Crazy"

A big misconception with mental illness is that we are completely crazy and have no control over ourselves. That's so upsetting to me because as a young adult with my illness it's hard to try and convince people that those stereotypes are far from true. It's even worse when you are extremely poorly to convince even yourselves that these things are false!

I've been suffering badly with that last part for just over a week now and it's down to two things that are contributing to this. Part one is the paranoia. When I am extremely poorly with my mental health issues then the paranoia begins. It scares the hell out of me when this begins because I have no form of moral reasoning. I might be able to realise that my thoughts are irrational (or so I would like to believe) but at the time I can work myself into a panicking mess.

It can be really difficult to discuss with people because they just find it stupid and funny but to me it is eating me from the inside out. I've had a couple of things that have made me extremely paranoid and destroyed my well being and day to day life for the past week. The main one is that I was completely convinced that my parents were watching me with webcams whilst they were at work. I know how stupid that sounds now but on Monday I was sat curled up in my bed, "hiding" and sobbing out of pure fear. It's horrible and debilitating and I hate feeling like I can't even trust my own family.

Another thing that likes to appear again when I am extremely low is irrational thoughts/voices. For YEARS my doctors have refused to accept that as voices until fairly recently and it was extremely difficult to make sense of it all. Because the doctors refused to acknowledge that it was voices I spent months after months of feeling like I was completely loosing the plot and it was scary. I thought I was completely crazy and making it all up. But I've realised fairly recently that I'm not making it all up, it is in fact a symptom of my illness.

The voices are terrifying and I find it difficult to talk to about but also lost and abandoned when it is happening. These voices in the past have told me to kill myself, nearly helped me take my own life and are a frequent source of emotional abuse in my head. I hate that even writing that and reading it back makes me scared to talk about it because of the backlash I could get and the stigma that surrounds it. These voices tell me that I'm making it all up, that I'm lying to the ones I love and that no one will ever love me and this can be so hard to cope with. It begins to make me doubt everything and even though I know I'm not making it up it can be hard to logically think it through in times like that.

I still debate whether I should share this as I'm scared about what people might think about me and I find it difficult to talk about it out loud as it is. But I am determined to help break the stigma of mental health issues and so I feel like I should talk about things that might seem too "taboo" to talk to. Hopefully I will get to see a world where mental health stigma no longer exists.

Rebecca
xxx

So it's been a while...

I feel I should apologise for not bringing you a little dosage of my life for a few weeks (hey, you may have preferred the quiet!). I've been lacking inspiration and creativity as my mental health has taken quite a bit of a dip, which has had me hiding away in bed as much as I can get away with. The one thing doctors always ask you when you're feeling like this is what has triggered such a dip and more times than not, I don't know what has done it or it has just decided to remind me that it still exists in my little world. It's always the frustrating question that makes me wonder if psychologists know all that they think they do.

My dip begun with anxiety and panic attacks, which started almost two weeks ago now and have been happening daily since then. I don't know if I have ever explained how my body deals with a panic attack so I will explain how I suffer with them. If I have a panic attack over something it will begin with a thought about it and the panic will begin to rise and I will notice that feeling of tension beginning to bubble away inside me, if nothing has me anxious to begin with than a panic attack will start with step 2, I will completely panic, when there is nothing that has "triggered" a panic attack than this bit can be extremely frustrating as the panic has come from nowhere. I then begin to start breathing rapidly (like hyperventilating) or in some cases, gasping for air. It can feel like I can't breath and with the rapid breathing I can begin to make myself lightheaded and started to feel extremely dizzy.At the moment where this is a daily thing, I am constantly feeling dizzy and every slight movement is horrible.

During the bad panic attacks I can begin to feel nauseous (not helping the panicking at all) and I have in some instances had to leave rooms because I've worried I was going to through up in front of people. My panic attacks tend to fade away after 5-10 minutes but after a few panic attacks in a row my lungs and chest can begin to feel achy and tender after the hyperventilating. I at the moment am also constantly having the feeling of a tense set of lungs. Panic attacks can be crippling and after 2 weeks of pretty much constant panic attacks I feel exhausted.

Annoyingly though, my other mental health systems have begun to rear their heads too, my brain is starting to have a bad depression patch, I'm feeling extremely low and very "out of it". It's like going back in that fish bowl that is watching the world go by and having very little control of anything I say or do. It's not nice to not feel like you've got control and to feel disorientated and out of it is stressful because there's no easy way to just make it disappear. I've been trying to give meditation a go and have listened to many the guided meditation, but I'm finding it hard to focus when listening to them and just end up getting angry at myself for not being able to pay attention.

I'm hoping this all subsides shortly so I can get back to writing more for you all.
Lots of Love,
Rebecca
xxx

The "Right Time"

Howdy folks,
Haven't really blogged about mental health for a bit so I thought I would talk a little bit about an anxiety that I have in regards to the relationships with people around me. Mental Health Issues can be something that can be very daunting to people that haven't any experience with it in their lives. Sometimes it can be hard for people to understand that there's nothing different about you as a person but sometimes you're not always 100%. I've struggled with finding the right time to tell people about my illness, with a mixture of results. I told my college class through my coursework and even then we didn't really have a proper conversation about how it effects me (no mental health issues are the same in two people) and I was just not there lots and constantly had doctors appointments (early stages of diagnosis is a LITTLE crazy!).

I was told about my illnesses through a piece of paper and even then it's not truly correct (I've been pushed around to multiple psychiatrists over the last year). I was told how I was feeling and what was going on with me through an informal printed document that still sits in a drawer in my room. I think the thing with telling people about your mental health issues can be extremely difficult because with a physical disability people have some sort of preparation and knowledge but with a mental health issue you can't see it. You could go through years of a friendship without even knowing what the other person was suffering. In some way it's like "coming out", you get mixed feedback and not everyone sticks around in life. I have a prediction that after two bad breakdowns people tend to get bored and fade away, which can be devastating.

I don't want to lose these people. It's hard to grow relationships with people until they learn that you're "sick" and slowly drift away. It's difficult to find that "right time" to tell people about your illness. I guess it's complicated because there's so much stigma around mental illness so trying to find that "right time" is never a "right time" for certain people! It's been a big worry for me because I'm 19, heading off to uni and will have to try and somehow make friends. My illness' can be somewhat restraining and it can be hard to do things that normal teenagers are supposed to do. It's also going to be difficult having that conversation and hoping that I don't lose more people in my life. I also worry that it's a complete turnoff. As I mentioned in my Romanticising Mental Illness post, it's not all men falling your feet to "rescue you from your tower", in reality, it's hard to think of why any guy would fall for me with everything that I have "wrong with me".

I mean, I've been diagnosed with Obsessional Thoughts, I get paranoid about little things, it's a part of OCD that can be crippling. I get scared that people would get that glimpse of the little things that make up my illness and run for the hills. How as a society can we now be somewhat more accepting of race, sexuality and to a degree gender but still recoil in horror at the terrifying words "mental health" or "therapy". I'm not crazy, I never have been. But the stereotype of my disability means that not everyone takes a chance to truly see me for who I am. It's horrible that some people with see my diagnosis as a definition of myself. I'm not my illness. I'm not defined by my illness.

One day I hope that the world will view mental health issues as something other than the stereotypes. They'll look beyond what they previously thought they knew and will learn that we're actually just like you. The fact that I have to define the mental health community as a "we" still makes me angry that even at 19 I don't feel somewhat accepted as a human being and not as a stereotyped crazy lady who can't control herself. One day. I'm just waiting for the change to happen.

Lots of Love,
Rebecca
xxx

Pet Shop Bowl Review

So it's taken me a little while to write this one (very sorry!) but it is time for my Pet Shop Bowl review. A couple of months ago they sent my puppy Tilly a box of goodies for us to talk about. Since then every product has been munched and I thought we would sum up how it all went down. Before I start Tilly and I did make a video that you can watch of the unboxing but this is the next step in reviewing. The video can be found here:

So just some basics before we properly get into things. Tilly is a 6 month old Goldendoodle (Golden Retriever/ Poodle). She of course is going to be quite a big puppy when she's fully grown. Most of the food was catered to her size but products can be bought off of PetShopBowl for pretty much any size and breed. So time for some PetShopBowl info: PetShopBowl is a nationwide home delivery subscription service to pet food. The idea for PetShopBowl came from the founder; Adam's personal experience. His mother suffers from arthritis and struggled with carrying heavy bags of dog food and last minute rushes to the supermarket to stock up on cat food. Adam also noticed that supermarket prices were really expensive and so he decided to set up a business with his partner Lexi that would make a positive impact on the pet industry. More about the company can be found here: About PetShopBowl!!!

The first product Tilly tried was Country Hunter's Seriously Meaty Meals in Salmon with Raspberry. Tilly ate the whole can pretty quickly so I'm certain she enjoyed it very much (even if I was repulsed by the fishy breath afterwards!). On the PetShopBowl website this costs £2.20 which is a 9p cheaper compared to a popular pet shop. Although my puppy loved this and enjoyed eating it, the smell was vile and was quite hard to deal with the aftermath of stinky fish breath. I don't know if it was entirely linked or not but Tilly did throw up later in the afternoon, which we're hoping was down to her eating something in the garden and not this dog food as she really enjoyed it.

The next item in the package came in the form of Symply for Large Breed Puppy in Turkey and Rice. This is actually not much different to Tilly's regular dry food that is Chicken and Rice so she ate it quite happily. On PetShopBowl this product costs £9.99 (for 2kg) and lasts about a week. The product is also Wheat Gluten Free so is great for puppy's prone to digestive problems. As I said previously this is quite similar to Tilly's regular food so I'm not too sure if she really noticed a difference, but the bag did disappear quite quickly. When doing my research for price comparisons I found that I could not actually find this on the popular pet shop website and so couldn't compare it price wise. But this product did appear to be about £1 more expensive than the dog food that Tilly has anyways. There's no real differences between the food other than the type of meat used but it made a nice change to mix it up for a few days.

Lastly in the box we had Lily's Kitchen Bedtime Biscuits, which admittedly looked and smelt so good that I had to restrain myself from having a nibble because they looks like human biscuits! Tilly loves bedtime biscuits and we find them a great tool to help tempt her into her crate at night times as she can be a bit of a madam about it. These went down a treat with Tilly, she really enjoyed them. They're made with Honey, Yogurt, Chamomile and Passion Flowers and were completely organic. These cost £2.49 for 0.10kgs which seemed a little pricey but because they were loved so much by my puppy I can see that really there's more pro's than con's with this one.



What I have loved about the PetShopBowl website is that it has been incredibly easy to look for items and pretty much has anything your pet would need from food to toys. I was really impressed with the website and definitely think it's a great idea and a great brand that will look at in the future. You can go find Online Pet Supplies here: PetShopBowl and I would like to thank them for sending Tilly this lovely parcel!

Lots of Love,
Rebecca
xxx
 

What I'm Listening Too - February 2015

It's time for what I'm listening to this month. It's been a little tough as I've not necessarily been listening to much different from the previous month ( Read it here! ). I think I may have said that I'm trying to cut down how much I write for each artist so please excuse the new (hopefully) shorter blog So here we go:

1. Rae Morris

  I've been loving Under The Shadows by Rae Morris this month! The Blackpool born singer released her debut album last month but has released multiple ep's and singles over the last couple of years. Rae has also supported the likes of George Ezra, Bombay Bicycle Club and Tom Odell and has reached number 9 on the Official UK Album charts last month. She was also selected to perform on the BBC Introducing Stage at Reading and Leads in August 2011.


There's a very Kate Bush type vibe from her music video for Shadows but I think is beautifully edited and really does justice to the song. I have to admit when I'm in the radio studios this is the song I will be singing along to at the top of my voice! Hopefully good things are going to be happening for Rae this year and I will be looking forward to hearing more from her in the future.

2. Lorde

Admittedly I know this is starting to look like I have a bad case of hair envy but I'm loving both Rae and Lorde this month (it's got nothing to do with their gorgeous locks, I promise!). At only 18 this gorgeous lady has already achieved so much. Her single Royals became a global hit and since then the young star has been thrown into the limelight. The grammy winner is doing incredible things and has even written songs for the Hunger Games series.


My track that I have been loving this month from Lorde is Team. I recently heard it on the radio whilst cooking dinner and since then have just been obsessed with that song, along with Yellow Flicker Beat from the Mockingjay soundtrack. So here is my Lorde favourite this month, Team:

3. Bastille

Bastille are band that I have loved for a couple of years now. I was lucky enough to see them live in August last year which just threw my love to a whole new level. Admittedly over the last few months I have been so focused on finding singer/songwriters that I kind of pushed these lovely boys aside. But during the month of February the boys have been back on the playlists and have been a go to listen when I'm writing blogs. Bastille has been around for a couple of years now and has only just wrapped up promotion for their first album (it's been non-stop for those years too!). The boys have done massive things in this time and no doubt you have heard their song Pompeii at least once on the radio at some point.

Bastille are currently working on their second album (which is super exciting for fans of their music!). Their music (written by lead singer Dan Smith (second on the left)) is so beautifully written and produced that you just can totally submerse yourself in their songs. I'm a big strings fan (I grew up playing violin) and there are some GORGEOUS strings pieces in their songs that compliment their music so beautifully. So if you haven't listened to Bastille yet, give them a listen now:

4. To Kill A King

I am also loving To Kill a King this month. I heard about these guys through Bastille (as they previously were Bastille's opening act) and fell in love. They are a darker and deeper make of Bastille and their songs are just perfection. I've had the pleasure of seeing them live with Bastille but would really love to see them on their own at some point as I think their music is completely stunning.  They have fairly recently released their latest EP "Exit, Pursued By A Bear" which I have listened repeatedly this month.

Ralph (in the middle of the picture) used to make "Ralph's Balcony" sessions that would go up on YouTube, collaborating with other bands and acoustically playing songs. This was how I first heard of these boys because I found a version of their song 'Choices' that featured a variety of artists, including Dan and Will from Bastille. I fell in love with their song and begun looking up more and now I can't get enough! Although I love pretty much everything these guys do I'm going to share with you said 'Choices' video as it is stunning:

5. Ella Eyre 

I totally didn't stick Bastille and To Kill a King in the middle to make it look like I wasn't having hair appreciation on this blog post... We are huge fans of Ella in our house after she sung on Rudimental's 'Waiting All Night'. Ella's voice is just amazingly rich and not something that is really heard very much anymore, her voice really remind of of Macy Gray (weirdly). Anyway at only 20 Ella Eyre has already achieved so much, from having a UK no.1 to winning a Brit.

This gorgeous lady is already doing so well for herself and will be this years Germany entry at the Eurovision Song Contest. She released an album towards the end of last year and I have to admit, I love a bit of a dance around the house to a few of them. I cannot wait to see what this year has in store for this lovely woman!

Thank you for reading and happy listening!
Lots of Love,
Rebecca
xxx